He chuckled deep and dark. “Finally clicked, has it?”
I staggered back. “You’re being mean.”
“I’m always mean.” He smirked, showing sharp teeth. “Grow up, Pimlico. I’ve fucked you. You no longer interest me. Get over it and let me take you home.”
God, I hurt. I ached. “I-I don’t believe you.”
He’s lying…
“It’s not up to you. That’s the way it is.”
“You just told me you want me so much it hurts. That’s the truth but I think you’re trying to push me away because you believe I’m not strong enough to be in a meaningful physical relationship. That my past will somehow come back to haunt me and I’ll hate you.” I moved forward while he shot back. “Doesn’t last night show you how wrong that is? You scared me, Elder, but I’m still here. I’m still willing to talk to you. I’m begging you to talk to me. Please don’t cut me off.”
He slashed his hand in the air like a guillotine. “I’m done wasting time on this.”
“Well, I’m not.” I stood as haughty as a princess. “I need to know why you can stand there and lie to me! How can you shut me out when I’m the one with the fucked-up past and have the balls to face this together?”
Elder flew forward as if his dragon once again lent him lacy, scaly wings. His hand latched around my throat. He knew my aversion to my neck being touched yet he squeezed anyway.
The panic attack that always triggered tried to swallow me. The gaping chasms, the blustering winds—all telling me to go, go, go—to give into the breathlessness.
But if this was a trial, then I couldn’t fail. I had to show Elder what I said was real. That he could rely on me not to bail if only he would tell me the truth.
Gritting my teeth, I stood still, never looking away from his burning eyes. His jaw clenched as he allowed a landscape of aggression to paint his features.
And then, he was gone.
Tossing me away, he charged to the other side of the room. “This has nothing to do with you, and everything to do with me. You want the cold fucking truth?” He spun with his hands fisted and body braced. Black hair danced over his forehead, wild and tameless.
My heart shrivelled into a cranberry, tart and tiny. I nodded even though it took everything in me to face his wrath. “Yes.”
He shrugged, his face twisting into a sneer. “You’re not worth it.”
I wasn’t prepared for yet another sentence weapon. This one was a nuclear missile aimed straight for my soul. I shattered into hundreds of messy pieces.
I couldn’t—
I had no reply.
I was soundless. Wordless. Mute.
Elder laughed like the devil, his face torn apart by admission and anger. “Being with you fucked me up. Normally, I can handle temptation. Normally, I can remain sane. But you—” He pointed a trembling finger at me as if I was a witch and should burn at the stake. “You got inside my heart before you got inside my head, and it’s tearing me fucking apart!” Stalking toward the sideboard, he picked up a red and white vase and threw it across the room.
I flinched as it exploded on impact, sending porcelain everywhere.
“I’d give anything to fuck you again. I spent all night crippled with the need. I almost lost. So many fucking times. I almost came back to you and buried myself as far as I could inside you. But as I fantasised about fucking you and crawled on my hands and knees to the door, I remembered my promise. A promise to the dead who know when I break them. That was the only thing that kept me behind that door.” His eyes glittered. “The only thing, Pim.”
His chest heaved with breath as he dragged a hand over his suddenly sweaty face. “I meant what I said.” His nostrils flared and hands balled. “You’re not worth it. I lost myself once before. I wear countless deaths and carry an eternity of shame. I lost everyone I ever loved all because I didn’t have the willpower to say no.”
He backed away from me, shoving aside a chair and stumbling toward the other bedroom. “I’m saying no now. I won’t do that again. Not for you. Not for anyone.”
He slammed the double doors leading toward the untouched bedroom, leaving me shell-shocked, shivering, and for the first time, no longer afraid for me but entirely terrified for someone else.
Everyone had trials.
Everyone endured pain.
My past had been shitty.
But Elder, he lived a reoccurring nightmare.
And no one had the cure.
Not me.
Not him.
Not even fate.
*
I didn’t know how long I stood there.
I didn’t know how my body remained upright and not crumbled on the floor.
My mind raced. My pulse thrummed. My decision morphed from soot and heartbreak.
Elder had taken me from my certain death and given me life. He’d killed my master, cultivated my courage, and sowed the seeds of hope for a better world.
He’d sacrificed himself for me.
He’d given me his everything and what had I done? Just asked for more and more until he had nothing left to give.
I’d done this.
I’d driven him to this point.
I was the root of evil, and no matter what my own heart wanted…I couldn’t hurt him anymore.
He’s hurting enough.
Wrapping my arms around myself, I pretended No One gave me a hug. That the thoughts in my head transcribed onto paper and my pen friend could read and understand them. That they would nod wisely and say I was right. That they would pen me a reply and tell me the future; reveal how the hell I would move on from here.
Elder was in pain.
I’d overstayed my welcome.
He mentioned my mother, so she was alive.
I had my voice, so I could ask for directions.
I made him unhappy, so it was time for me to leave.
Last night had taught me two things: one, beneath the scramble of torture I was a woman who could enjoy sex with the right partner, and two, I cared for Elder much more than I wanted to admit.
I cared enough to put him before me, no matter the agony.
I wasn’t ready to go.
But leaving for him made a world of difference.
In a daze, I wandered back toward the bed where we’d last been together and slipped into a simple pink sundress from the bag Elder’s staff had packed for me. Plaiting my hair and rubbing my face, I swallowed the tears welling deep like an endless pond.
With glassy vision, I opened the bedside table and found hotel stationery beside a pocket-sized bible.
Barely breathing, I sat on the bed and composed a letter for someone other than No One.
Dear Elder,
It’s so strange writing this to someone who is real. Someone who will touch what I’ve written, read what I’ve spoken, and be affected by the sentences I choose.
First, I want to say how grateful I am for everything you have given me. I never thought I would talk again, let alone willingly kiss and go to bed with a man.
But you made that possible.
You saved me from Alrik and from myself.
You are my guardian angel.