See? So good.
My thrusts were so forceful she inched up the bed beneath me. I moved with her until my knuckles nudged the knots she’d tied me with.
She likes it, too. And who cares if she doesn’t?
Her struggle beneath me echoed in my ears. Her heart flurried in her chest sandwiched so tight to mine. She was so breakable. She was just bone and breath and belief that I was different. That I would protect her and not hurt her like I was doing now.
Silly Pim.
I’d tried to warn her, and she didn’t listen.
Now, I needed this over with.
So I could start it all over again in a matter of minutes.
Giving myself over to the mosaic of monstrous urges, I reared back and looked down at her. Her skin was splotchy and eyes wide with unshed tears. I knew I should have thoughts and consideration to her plight, but nothing was left. Just instinct. Just raw, basic instinct.
I’d already reserved a throne in hell for what I’d done to my family. This just solidified my membership.
She did her best to wriggle away. I waited for her to scream or beg, but her past and my past were not good companions. I lost myself in my thoughts. She lost her voice in her fear.
She wouldn’t utter a single syllable even if terror decorated her face.
She feared me.
I feared me.
She wanted me to stop.
I wanted to stop.
She would hate me, curse me, and would vanish into her mind and leave me any second now.
I knew that.
I knew everything as if I were a voyeur to my own predicament.
But it still didn’t stop me.
It didn’t stop the aroused anger and helplessness tearing me apart.
“You’re mine now.” I drove deep. “I won’t be able to stop.” I fucked hard. “Are you happy now? Happy that you made me do this?” I thrust over and over. “You’ve ruined me. Fucking ruined me.”
I took her mercilessly, piercing her goodness, her generosity, her love. This was why I was alone. Why no one wanted me. Why I was dead to them.
Because I destroyed everything good in my life.
Humans most of all.
My cock filled her cruelly as I thrust and penetrated and gave in to the final savagery consuming me.
This wasn’t love.
This was destroying.
And I threw myself head-first into it.
My hips pistoned faster and deeper.
Pim returned to her silence. Her eyes wedged tightly shut. Her fingers latched on to my shoulders.
The pulsing on my spine crept between my legs. Heavy and hot, needing to crest and deliver. The orgasm found me deep in the darkness as I drove into Pim again and again. But it wasn’t tingly and warm and promising good things like normal climaxes did. This was black and oppressive and wrong.
I didn’t want it because the moment I had it, I’d need another and another and another.
But I fucked Pim faster, giving in to the pressure and press of delight.
And when it found me, I howled as it burned like vinegar in my veins.
I spilled inside her, breathing hard, wishing I’d never agreed to break my law and have her more than once.
Because of that, I’d just committed a fatal mistake.
There was no going back now.
Chapter Thirty-Two
______________________________
Pim
WHERE HAD ELDER Prest gone?
Where had the caring, secretive man who’d saved me disappeared to?
What had just happened between us?
Elder collapsed on top of me, his climax wringing him dry. His breathing wasn’t of a man who’d had sex and orgasmed but that of a wounded animal, tortured and lost.
I stayed frozen beneath him.
My skin drenched in sweat while ricochets of terrified pleasure coursed through my body. My voice had vanished just like my mind had attempted. I no longer knew what was up and what was down. Things I’d trusted had turned out to be false. People I’d known had turned out to be imposters.
Who was this man inside me?
Was I wrong believing I could love him? Care for him?
He was just like all the other males I’d survived.
My body wracked with silent sobs as I did my best to hold back the crashing, swelling confusion. Elder had ruined me. Not because he’d been rough—he was still a saint compared to others—no, he’d ruined me by the sacrilegious act of twisting my disgust for sex into a tentative enjoyment of it.
He’d disorientated me. He’d perplexed me. He’d shoved me into a storm with no coat or umbrella and expected me to survive the icy needles of reality.
I stemmed my tears by burrowing into his heavy body even while I knew I should be appalled by him. I shouldn’t seek comfort from the man who’d just stripped me of everything. I’d never sought the approval or company of my captors.
I wouldn’t start now.
So why didn’t my body detest his inside me?
Why was I still wet? Still swollen for more?
Elder had been bitterly brutal, yet my body remained sensitive and singing for him.
I shouldn’t like what he just did.
And I didn’t.
But he’d been the first to show me pleasure. I’d trusted in that pleasure. I wanted to believe in that pleasure.
How dare he twist it back to hate?
I was sick of hating something that was natural to want. I was sick of resenting something that I should embrace.
My mind split from wanting to hide from him and wanting to stay. I wanted him to talk to me to perhaps help with the maladies he suffered.
Wasn’t that worth something?
The fact I hadn’t let my panic attack whisk me away to an imaginary castle?
I’d stayed.
For him.
I was willing to change. To grow. To deal with my issues.
So what the hell is going on?
Above me, Elder groaned, reminding me all over again of his vicious rutting and blind rage to finish. When I’d kissed him, something had connected us. When I’d placed him inside me and sank down until the tip of him pressed against deep, dark places, I’d felt as if I’d found someone I could rely on.
Yet once we were joined in a way I would forever battle just a little, that slow burn turned to wild-fire as mutual affection became heavily one-sided.
Physically, he’d overthrown me, smothering me with his lust. Emotionally, he’d vanished. His eyes turned empty. His face vacant. There was no more heart joining and mind fusing.
Just unemotional fucking.
He’d used me.
And I couldn’t quite believe it had happened.
I didn’t care that I should’ve seen this coming. That I was stupid to think it could be any different. I’d felt Elder. I’d believed in what my instincts told me. That he wanted me deeper than just lust. That there was something rich and raw and worthy of taking a risk.
So what had happened?
And how could it be fixed?
Wearily, as if he’d just returned from battle and still saw blood and carnage instead of a luxury suite and me, Elder disengaged and removed himself without apology.
With a heavy sigh, he collapsed onto his back, his wrists crossed and tangled with rope above his head. His hands were white from lack of blood, but he didn’t seem to notice or care.
His handsome face turned waxy with things that terrified me.