I slide my gaze down to Nor, who’s staring at me with something like fear in her eyes.
“I’m sorry. I can’t do this. This is not right. . .” I shove my feet inside my shoes, spin around and stalk to the door. I step out without looking back and close the door. I lean back on it and my squeeze my eyes shut.
That memory of the first time I made her come is a reminder of how much I enjoyed watching her fall apart. Something holds me back though. She mentioned that she and Josh had never slept together. I know their marriage wasn’t real. But with Josh being gone less than twenty-four hours, I need to keep a lid on my feelings for now.
Digging out my phone from my pants, I scroll through my contacts and tap on Megs’ number. I promised her I’d text her when I left Nor’s house to let her know how Nor and the girls are doing. When I’m done, I head for my car, fighting the urge to turn around and go back inside the house to finish what we started on the couch.
As soon as the door clicks shut, I drop my head back on the couch and stare at the burgundy curtains across from me.
Shit.
What the hell is wrong with me? I shouldn’t have tried to kiss Cole. And then I opened my mouth and told him that Josh and I were never intimate. I just wanted him to know that it has always been him.
He pushed me away and left.
I cover my eyes with my hands and groan.
Nip those feelings at the bud, Eleanor. It’s been a long time. Cole is one in a million and has an amazing heart. Any girl would be lucky to have him. Oh gosh. Maybe he has a girlfriend and I threw myself at him. My heart twists in my chest. I double over and squeeze my eyes tight as pain steals the air from my lungs.
Would he kiss me the way he did if he had a girlfriend?
Plus, Josh died. Who kisses another man when her husband has just died? Even though Josh and I married for reasons other than love, he still deserves respect.
He’d been my best friend for these past years. It has been eight years and fifty days since I last cut. The journey to healing hadn’t been easy. He was there when I relapsed. Held me when I cried myself to sleep after the wedding, pep-talked me on days that the thirst to cut became too much. He and Megs took turns to hold my hand before and after each therapy session. Dr Thorsten had referred me to a therapist here in Willow Hill. I was too weak, too messed up. I despised myself for falling off the wagon after Cole left.
Josh was the best father any child could ever ask for. And when my dad left—good riddance—I took that chance to get mom the best therapy care, after years of living with depression. Josh was everywhere, and yet he never pursued any sort of intimacy between us because he knew. He knew that my heart was in New York and would always be. On days when I felt discouraged that Cole never replied to the letters I sent him, Josh would sit me in front of my desk and hand me a pen and paper. Our marriage was a union to save the person we both loved, which doesn’t mean that he didn’t have women lining up to fulfil the part of our deal I couldn’t perform. He always said that he wasn’t the kind of person to settle down. But now that he did, he could ‘get some ass without strings attached’ or have some woman stalking him home.
Then he started becoming sicker and sicker. My life revolved around Josh, my daughters, my mom and sisters. My Bachelor’s degree in Music Therapy took a back seat. My regrets are many and one of them is that Josh got tangled up in this entire situation.
Now, Cole is back and I’ve reverted to that eighteen-year-old girl. Butterflies in my stomach, weak knees and stars in my eyes.
I groan again and flip to my side on the couch and try not to die. I’m equal parts embarrassed and rejected. My phone trills on the glass table. I crane my neck long enough to see who the caller is and then reach for it.
“Hey you,” Megs greets. “How are you and the girls?”
I close my eyes and sigh. “Cora and Joce finally fell asleep.”
“Is everything okay? I can drop by as soon as my shift is over.”
“Oh no. Get some sleep first. Elon and Elise are here in case of anything.”
She sighs, silence filling the conversation. “You and Cole?”
I open my eyes and focus on the fan whirring round and round on the ceiling. I smile, despite the current circumstances. “Cora and Joce cried so much they slept in the car. He carried both of them up to my room. The girls adore him. God, Megs. You should have seen them, cuddled on my bed together. Cora and Joce’s little legs tangled up with his.”
“Of course, they do. Blood is thicker than water, right?”
I nod. “Yes, it is,” I whisper. “I miss Josh so much. It hurts, Megs. It hurts so much, even though I knew the time would come when he’d leave us. But I’m also happy he’s no longer in pain.”
“So, do we need to hire a mediator or something?”
I laugh. “No, but thank you for the thought. It’s awkward. And Megs—” I inhale deeply, “—I kissed him.”