My lips twitch and seconds later my shoulders are shaking with laughter. I think saying the words ‘Fuck you’ would make her spontaneously combust.
“Don’t fight me on this, Nor,” I sign when I’m calm enough to face her without laughing. “Get in the car.”
Shoving my hands inside my pants pockets, I whirl around without waiting for her response and stride to the spot my parents are waiting inside the car. Fighting the urge to look over my shoulder as the weight of Nor’s angry gaze bores into me.
I used to love the fierce look on her face when she got angry. So full of fire.
Mom rolls down the window on her side and watches me as I walk toward them. My aunt, Madge, her husband Ray and my cousin Abe are seated in the back of the car. They arrived last night from Portland to attend my brother’s funeral. Aunt Madge flashes me a wobbly smile, wiping her eyes with a handkerchief.
After letting Mom know that Nor and the girls will be riding with me, I straighten and huff when they exchange smug looks. Shaking my head, I spin around and stalk back to my truck and notice Simon getting inside Megs’ car ten feet away.
Once everyone is seated inside my truck, I hop in and then follow behind my parents’ car as we leave the cemetery.
I needed a moment alone, away from the guests downstairs, which is why I’m standing inside Josh’s old room. I shove my hands inside my pants pockets and slowly swivel around on my heel, taking in the shelves stacked with books, two footballs in one corner. A stack of magazines filled with random shit are piled neatly on top of a box on the floor. On top of the dresser is a framed photo of my brother, Cora and Joce are snuggled into him, their faces screwed up in cute funny expressions. Looks like my mom never got around to clearing his room just as they never cleared mine.
Someone touches my arm softly. I turn around and see Elon, dressed in a knee-length black dress. She has grown up a lot from the girl who spent most of her time practicing cello in her room. We’ve spent a few nights this week catching up so I know she’s pursuing a Bachelor’s of Music program in classical and modern music with special concentration on cello.
“Are you okay?” she asks, stepping forward and wrapping her arms around me. Then she steps back to look up at me.
I nod. “I’m trying. How are you?”
She glances around the room and brushes her fingers down her cheek. “It’s hard to accept that he is gone. Your brother was amazing. I didn’t get a chance to say good bye. To thank him for what he did for my Nor. If something would have happened to you, it would have killed my sister.”
I open my mouth then shut it again as a wave of pain cuts through my chest.
“Cole, I’m sorry for how my father treated you.”
“You don’t have to apologize for him. Your father was ruled by a kind of sick obsession and prejudice. He was looking for someone to blame for how his life turned out. I was the scapegoat.”
She inhales deeply and folds her hands in front of her. She reminds me of Joce. “I’m happy Cora and Joce never met him.”
“They didn’t?” I ask, taken aback by this news.
She shakes her head. “After the. . .um. . .wedding, Nor and Josh moved in with Grandma. She never brought the girls to visit my dad. He left town a few years later.”
Thank fuck. I don’t even want to imagine my children in his presence.
“Well, I’ll go downstairs and help out.”
“Thank you for telling me, Elon.”
She nods and leaves the room, leaving me reeling with the news she just delivered. Walking to the dresser, I lift the framed photo and stare down at the people in it and a smile tugs on my lips. A soft nudge on my arm jerks me from my thoughts. I open my eyes to find Nor standing in front of me.
“Hey,” she signs. “Elon told me you were up here.”
I nod. “Hey.” I set the frame back on the dresser and run my fingers through my hair.
“Can I get you anything?”
I blow air through my mouth. “Can you take this fucking pain from my heart?”
She blinks twice before dropping her gaze on the beige carpet. She pushes a lock of hair behind her ear.
Shit. Why am I being such a dick?
“I’m sorry.”
She lifts her head, glares at me, and signs, “You’re not the only person who lost Josh, Cole. I did, too. Your parents, Nick, Cora and Joce. We all lost him.”
She turns on her heel and walks out of the room. I run my fingers through my hair.
Fuck.
I swing my clenched fist back and punch the wall across from me. I shake my fingers as pain sears through my brain.
Nor is right. We all lost Josh. And here I am behaving like a selfish motherfucker.