I stood there, fucking frozen in place. Strangled by nothing but fear, crippling me in ways I never believed possible. Unshed tears pooled in my eyes, looking back from Mia’s lax body, over to Maddie’s lifeless one. “Doc... please... Maddie... she’s still... not fuckin’ breathin’.”
He abruptly turned around, only looking at me. Like he had already given up on the baby girl who was still locked in my tight grasp. Peering deep into my eyes, he spoke with conviction, “It’s either Mia or Maddie! I can’t save both! Choose!”
I shut my eyes just for a second, fighting an internal battle I couldn’t fucking win.
All I could see was blood, so much fucking blood.
All I could hear were the alarms on Mia’s machines on the verge of flat-lining.
All I could feel was Maddie’s cold skin under my fingertips as if she was never warm to begin with.
“Creed... Creed... Creed... please help me... if you ever loved me... you would find me... please help me... I’m scared, Creed... I’m so scared...” With Luke’s voice from my nightmares tangled in between.
I hadn’t heard his voice in years.
It brought me to my knees, pulling me fucking under. The pain and guilt consumed me, eating me alive. My legs couldn’t hold up my misery and devastation any longer. I fell to the floor with Maddie in my arms. Shards of glass sliced into my legs, beneath me. I welcomed the fucking sting with open arms, wanting to feel anything other than my heart being torn in two.
“Goddamn it, Creed! Who’s it gonna be?” Doc demanded, his voice muffled in the distance.
“Don’t make me fuckin’ do this! Don’t make me fuckin’ choose!” I shouted for I don’t know whom.
“We’re runnin’ out of time!”
I blinked once then twice, seeing Autumn’s face flash in front of my eyes “Please... please... help me...” her voice droned in and out. “I... love... you... always.” Reminding me that everyone I ever loved begged for me to save them.
To help them.
Pleaded for their fucking lives.
When all I did was fail them. Exactly like I failed Mia and her baby girl.
I held Maddie so fucking tight against my heart, rocking her back and forth, feeling my future slip away. Knowing in the forefront of my mind, Mia would never forgive me for this.
But it wouldn’t fucking matter, she’d be alive.
All I could think about was how could this be happening again. Praying it was all a nightmare I would soon wake up from, in bed with my girl, alive and breathing with baby girl still safely inside of her.
Conscious of the fact I was never that fucking lucky.
I wanted nothing more than to save both of them, even if it meant with my own life. If I didn’t make a decision, they were both going to die. I don’t know which punishment would be worse.
Taking both their lives.
Or just taking one of them.
“I’m so fuckin’ sorry, Maddie. Please... know that I’m so fuckin’ sorry... I tried...” I bawled, tears streaming down my face. Locking eyes with Doc, I nodded, muttering, “Mia, Doc. Save Mia.”
Aware this would be the end of us...
When it should have been the beginning.
Mia’s blood pressure beeped over and over again, signaling a weak pulse. Doc was right—we were out of time. I knew he wanted to fall apart like I was, I knew he was just trying to keep it together for her. Pushing on, doing everything possible to keep her here.
With us.
His silence was as painful as the pleas coming out of my mouth for him to save her.
It became a fucking waiting game.
Time seemed to stand still as my life slowly played out in front of me. Trying to balance somewhere in between the light and the darkness, when all I could see was gray.
I picked myself up off the ground, making my way over to Mia. My feet moved on their own accord, each stride more painful than the last. Until there were no steps to take, no more emotions to pull, no more sorrow to drown. Until there was nothing but my reality and truths staring back at me.
My stomach churned and my mind reeled. I couldn’t move. I couldn’t feel. I couldn’t talk.
I was numb.
The darkness settled in all around me. Memories of Mia and I came flooding into my mind. From the first time we ever met, to this point in time and every day in between. I stood there, hovering above her with baby girl still in my arms, unable to let either of them go.
Watching Doc with dead eyes as he dislodged her placenta and removed it. Finding the source of the bleed and clamping it off. He grabbed the blood bags from the fridge, and fluids from the cabinet, hooking them up to her IV. Her new source of life was transferred into her veins, into her bloodstream, where I would forever be a part of her.
Whether she wanted me to be or not.
Her pulse grew stronger every minute after, her blood pressure steadying. A huge sigh of relief escaped Doc’s lips as he wiped the sweat from his forehead with the back of his arm, peering over at me with hope in his eyes.
“She’s stable. Not in the clear... but she’s fuckin’ stable.”
I nodded, unable to form words of what I felt in my mind, in my heart, in my fucking soul.
Waiting...
For what was still to come.
My feet were glued to the goddamn floor that was cracking beneath me, ready to cave in. I felt Noah’s presence in the archway before he even said a word.
“Creed,” he whispered in an eerie tone. Cautiously walking around me. Dreading the inevitable. His eyes took in the scene in front of him, from all the blood to Mia to Doc, finally settling on me.
I mouthed, “I’m sorry,” needing for him to hear it.
His eyes widened, his mouth dropped, and all the life drained from his body. “No,” he breathed out, violently shaking his head. His lips quivered and his core shuddered as he peered down at his daughter in my arms. “NOOOOO!” he shouted, an ear-piercing scream that resonated deep in my bones. Where it would be eternally etched in my mind. Tears swelled up in his eyes as his chest heaved and his body trembled. “Give her to me!”
He stepped toward me, but I stepped back. Profusely shaking my head no with fresh tears rolling down the sides of my face. “Noah... please...”
“GIVE HER TO ME!” he yelled loud enough to break fucking glass. It echoed around the room, lingering in my ears. He attempted to reach for her again, causing me to take another step back. Trying to salvage what was left of his heart, protecting my baby brother. Knowing holding her would completely destroy him.
It wouldn’t change the outcome. Letting him see her. Feel her.
Fucking love her.
“Noah, we did everythin’ we could. I swear to you. Mia is still hangin’ on by a thread,” I uttered in a voice I didn’t recognize, nodding to her. Already aware of what Noah was thinking.
What he was feeling.