She didn’t even stir. I glanced at Doc, gesturing toward Mia, and he nodded his head, silently giving me the approval for what I wanted to do. Thinking it might help. Maybe feeling the warmth of the life she created would make her regain consciousness. I placed Maddie on Mia’s chest, holding her securely in place with my hand on her back, just in case she moved around.
I knew Mia would have a hard time, forgiving herself for not being awake when she was born. She spent her entire pregnancy telling me how she couldn’t wait to meet her, hold her, snuggle her. Be the first person to tell her she loved her.
There wasn’t a damn thing I could do to make this easier on my girl, make it right, other than to make a memory of it for her to look back on later. Hoping it would give her peace of mind that she was still one of the first people to hold her, even though she wasn’t awake. I pulled my phone out from the back of my jeans, set it on camera mode, and took a picture. Both their faces were turned toward the camera, looking like they were sleeping peacefully. Both perfectly content and happy in each other’s arms where they were meant to be.
Words couldn’t explain how I felt in that moment, seeing them like this. It took my fucking breath away. I wiped my tears, leaned forward, and kissed my girls. Letting my lips linger on Maddie’s soft skin, that I couldn’t seem to get enough of. It was then I noticed she felt cool and damp when minutes ago she didn’t.
I leaned back to take a look at her, making sure she was all right. My heart dropped and my smile faded, replaced with yet another image that would forever fucking haunt me. Silently praying, my mind was playing tricks on me.
Something...
Anything...
Other than what was actually happening.
“Doc!” I called out, instinctively reaching for Maddie. Placing her in my arms. “Doc! She’s turnin’ fuckin’ blue!”
He didn’t answer.
“Doc! Did you hear me?! Maddie is turnin’ fuckin’ blue!” I turned my head, prying my eyes off her, even though it was the last thing I wanted to do.
Doc’s face was as white as a ghost, staring down at Mia, wide-eyed. “FUCK!” he shouted out of nowhere.
It was the first time all night I had seen the look of pure panic on his face. My eyes immediately followed the path of his petrified expression, rendering me fucking speechless. There was blood pouring out from in between Mia’s legs again. Except this time, it wouldn’t fucking stop.
“She’s hemorrhaging, I need to get the placenta out! Now!”
“Doc, Maddie... what do I do? You take care of Mia! Just tell me what to do? What do I do with Maddie?!” I panicked, staring at him with pleading eyes.
My heart beat louder and louder with every second that passed. Trying to keep calm when all I really wanted to do was fucking lose my shit.
How could this be fucking happening? She was a good girl. They both were. They didn’t fucking deserve any of this, but here they were getting punished for who I was. For what I represented.
For what I am.
I looked back and forth between Mia and Maddie, torn between who needed me the most. Desperately trying to tune out the turmoil in my mind, feeling so fucking helpless with wanting to fall apart.
“Grab another blanket, and place Maddie on the table!”
I didn’t waver, gently laying her tiny frame down near the edge.
“I need you to grab the bulb syringe over here by me,” he instructed, while he worked on Mia. “It’s the blue thing you saw me use on her after I took her out. Squeeze the bulb, and insert it into her mouth to suction out any left over secretions. Do the same in her nose just like I did before. You need to clear her airways, fast!”
I grabbed the bulb, working on baby girl. Tears suddenly ran down my face, one right after the other, falling onto her lifeless body. “Come on, Maddie! Don’t do this, don’t do this to us!” I begged, my eyes blurring with nothing but fucking pain.
“Gentle, her bones are very fragile, you don’t wanna break anything!”
I nodded, continuing to do exactly what I was told.
“Is she breathin’?”
“No! Fuck, Doc! She’s turnin’ bluer!”
“Feel the cord, is it pulsing? Does it feel like a heartbeat?”
I frantically shook my head as he peered back at me. The expression on his face told me everything I didn’t want to fucking hear. I swear I could see him silently praying in the back of his mind like he knew the end was here.
“You need to start compressions! Hold her around her torso with your thumbs right in the middle of her chest. Support her head with your hands and start pressin’ down with your thumbs on her rib cage. Not too hard, but enough to apply pressure. We need to see if we can get her blood movin’.”
I nodded, my lips trembling.
“Creed! Do you understand me?”
“Yeah,” I breathed out, getting right to work. “One, two, three, four...” I huffed, pressing down on her. Counting to myself.
Nothing.
“Is she breathin’?”
“Fuck!” I tried again, a little harder this time. “Goddamn it! Don’t you do this to me! Don’t you fuckin’ do this to me!” I yelled, cursing fucking God.
“Place your mouth over her lips and her nose, and give her a few quick breaths. If her skin’s gotten colder, then use two fingers to give compressions this time!”
Seconds turned into minutes and minutes turned into hours, but I couldn’t just stop trying. I couldn’t just let her die. When everything in my body was telling me that it didn’t matter because this still wasn’t going to end well. We didn’t have the proper equipment. All we had was God. Hoping he’d be on my side for once in my sorry excuse of a fucking life.
Without thinking twice about it, I breathed into her tiny body, watching her chest heave from my air, but I felt nothing from her little nose. I don't know how much time went by, but I never stopped alternating breaths and compressions. Determined to get her little heart beating again. Not matter what.
Beep... Beep... Beep...
I instantly looked up when I heard the device that was taking Mia’s blood pressure go off. The numbers drastically started to drop to dangerous lows. The dinging echoed through my ears and right into my fucking heart.
“Doc...”
“FUCK! We’re losin’ her!”
“NO!”
I couldn’t breathe...
I couldn’t fucking breathe.
“I almost got her placenta out! It’s fuckin’ stuck! Her body is goin’ into shock!” I watched him move as fast as he could, from one thing to another. Using instrument after instrument to pinpoint the obstruction. Frantically trying to see through all the blood. “Need to get the bleeding under control or she’ll fuckin’ die!” He grabbed another two syringes and filled them with something I didn’t recognize, rapidly jabbing one into her open abdomen and the other into her arm. Ripping open the IV kit with his teeth, he prepped her vein next and started a line.