I glanced around as if all the nonexistent people in the room knew how obvious it was to them like it was to me.
“Uh, cause you’re a guy. And guys don’t always want babies. Especially guys who have news like this dropped on them like the Hiroshima Bomb by a girl they weren’t even dating.”
Dodger was looking at me like I’d sprouted a second head. “Just because we aren’t together doesn’t mean shit to me. You’ve known from day one that kids were always in the cards for me. Was this an ideal way of us going about it? No. Do I wish we were still together and the circumstances were different? Yes. I have never been that guy, Macie. Don’t pin that shit on me like I am. I’m not some piece of trash you’ve been with in the past that knocks up a girl then hands over the cash to make the problem disappear.”
Wow . . . uh, okay.
“That’s not what I was saying at all, Dodger. But if I’m being completely honest here,”—I looked down and reached up to tuck some stray hair behind my ear. It was a nervous habit I’d had since I was a kid.—“I wasn’t sure what to expect when I came in here. We barely speak or see each other.”
“Not because of me.”
I took a long pause to look at him. His face reflected hurt back at me.
“No, that was my decision. You’re right.” I felt tears spring to the corners of my eyes. I didn’t want to cry. I blinked rapidly, attempting to hold them back. A lump was forming in the back of my throat and I knew if I swallowed it down, the tears would fall. I felt he needed to know where I was mentally, so he could understand how I felt about all of this. Then maybe he would express more than just saying he would be with me at the appointments. “When I started to suspect I could be pregnant, I took my first test about four weeks ago. That positive line,” I shook my head. “It was a shock. Granted, I knew it could happen. I’m not totally na?ve to how all of that works. But I spent weeks throwing up, laying in my bed, and trying to decide if this was something I could actually do or not.”
I was intently watching him. His eyes narrowed.
“You’ve known this long, and you think that now was the best time to tell me?”
“Dodger, I wasn’t sure if I was even going to keep it.”
If words could physically wound someone, mine just had.
“You weren’t sure if you were going to keep it? And at any point in time during all your puking, and solitude, you didn’t think that maybe this was a decision I should have taken part in?”
I wasn’t going to answer him. He already knew.
He scrubbed his hand down his face and stood up. His back was to me when he said, “Unbelievable. You were seriously going to make it without knowing how I felt about it.”
“It’s my body,” I barely whispered, but he heard me.
He shot around. Fire was in his blue eyes and he was ready to rip me apart.
“It may be your fucking body, Macie, but that’s my fucking child. Jesus Christ! Since when do you go all women’s lib on me and pull shit like that? This,”—he gestured toward my stomach—“We did this together. It wasn’t a solo act. So after all of your thinking, what conclusion did you come to? ‘Cause I know one thing that’s blaringly obvious. You came in here not offering me a choice. So don’t do me any favors by making me think I ever had one.”
I felt slightly relieved to see some emotion coming from him. This was more like what I pictured. Yelling. I could react to yelling. I could care less how correct he was with what he just threw at me.
“I weighed my options, yes. I got some information about everything and I decided that I’m going to keep it.”
His shoulders visibly slumped. I briefly wondered if people outside could hear him raising his voice.
“It’s not the most ideal situation, or how I saw my life going. Time for a change, I guess.”
He took a step toward me and laughed sarcastically. “A baby isn’t like having a new haircut or seeing if a pair of boots are the cool thing to wear this season. You can’t decide you don’t like it, or it won’t fit your lifestyle, and get rid of it.”
I got up and went straight to him. I held my head high and I was seriously ticked off. “At what point in time did you determine I had ‘Dumbass’ written across my forehead? Unlike you, I’ve had time to think about everything. I’ve weighed the pro’s and con’s. I know that I’m still a kid living at my parents’ house. I will have diapers to change and sleepless nights. How my fucking amazing boobs will sag when I’m done breastfeeding. How I’ll be shuttling a little person around to either ballet lessons, or baseball. I know that I’ll no longer have just myself to think about and I’m no longer number one.” I was definitely crying now. “I also know that I’m walking into this completely alone and I will have to learn as I go. My entire life is changing, and I’m making that choice unselfishly. If you think for one second that I don’t see the bigger picture here and that I view a child as disposable simply because it doesn’t fit the mold I saw for my life, you can go fuck yourself.”
As quickly as I quit speaking, Dodger reached out and pulled me into him. He wrapped his long arms around me and held me tight. My wet cheeks brushed across his polo shirt, leaving it damp. The smell of him was comforting and I buried my nose deep in the crook of his neck. I wanted to stay here. Right here where my world didn’t feel like it was crumbling, and he could hold together all of the pieces that were desperately trying to break free from me. When I smelled him, I was reminded of home. Not because it reminded me of things growing up, but because it was my comfort. Forget Netflix and Chill. I wanted this, and a warm chocolate cookie with milk on a front porch swing.
“Shhh, Mace. It’s okay,” he whispered into my ear. “You’re not alone. I’ve got you, and we will do this together.”
I lifted my head reluctantly. “But I am alone, Dodger.”
His hands moved up from my waist to my cheeks. He held my face and his thumbs wiped away my tears. “No. I let you have your way when you said you wanted us to end. I’ve always been here, Macie. There hasn’t been a damn thing you’ve said that has chased me off. Not then and certainly not now. I’ve just been waiting for you to see what I’ve always known.”
What he’s always known?
“I’m not happy that you chose to keep this a secret from me as long as you have. I get it, you were scared. But from here on out, I’m going to need you to understand that the decisions aren’t just yours any longer. This directly involves me. We are doing this together, and you aren’t alone.”
“This doesn’t mean we’re together, Dodger.”
He cracked a smile. “No, of course not.”
“I mean it.”
Kissing the top of my head he said, “I wouldn’t expect anything less.”
“More you mean.”
“Semantics.”
Bastard. “Mhmm, we’ll see. I know how pushy you can be.” I stepped out of his embrace and gave myself some much needed space. “So where do we go from here?”
“I’d assume you need to see a doctor. We also need to go talk to my parents.”
I stared at him. “We?”