Just one right after the other.
Dylan and Jacob promised Alex we would come visit her in California for spring break. Between the news of Lucas’s mom and his bundle of joy being born soon, she needed her boys. At least that’s what she told them. It was her freshman year of college. She was living with Aubrey in an apartment, both of them attending UCLA. The same college Cole was attending.
Which was more than just a coincidence, even though she said he had nothing to do with it, and the sad part was…
I believed her.
We left Half-Pint’s apartment before sunrise our last day in California to go surfing. We rented some boards for the day, since we didn’t have ours. I hadn’t been on a surfboard since before the accident. It was the best feeling in the world. I loved being back on a board, watching the sun come up. There was nothing else in the world that compared to being out in the water when no one else was around. Watching life just come awake right before your eyes. It was the most peaceful feeling. Once the sun came up, a light breeze kicked up, causing the wind to blow against my face. Tasting the salt water and sand. Being one with Mother Nature and all her glory.
By noon my back was killing me, the throbbing sensation radiated everywhere and all at once, almost crippling me. I barely made it back to the shore, the white water had to drag me back in. I actually had to lay there against the current. The pain was unbearable. My back spasms were so fucking bad. I didn’t think I would be able to move again.
“What the fuck you doin’?” Dylan asked, hovering above me with his board under his arm.
“Relaxing,” I simply stated, glaring up at him through silted eyes.
He reached out his hand to help me up and I grunted in pain, leaning over once I stood.
“You alright?”
“Just fuckin’ peachy,” I rasped out.
I stood, breathing through the pain. In and out, steadying my body in an upright position.
“Austin, you’re not going to your physical therapy anymore, and you’re popping those painkillers like fuckin’ candy. It’s masking your pain, it’s not fixin’ it.”
“Jesus Christ, man. It’s not even noon yet and you’re on my balls. You guys don’t fucking get it, you don’t know what it feels like after that physical therapy bullshit. I can barely walk and I’m in bed for days after one session. I can barely take a goddamn piss without holding myself up against the wall.”
“No shit. But the more you do it, the easier it will get.”
“You want to hold my cock too, McGraw? Would that make you feel better? Last time I checked you didn’t have a medical degree and you hadn’t flown out the window of a fucking car,” I argued.
“Who’s fault is that, Austin?” he spewed, regretting his words immediately.
“This was a good talk. I’ll see you back at Alex’s apartment.”
I took a cab back to Half-Pint’s place, leaving the boys to surf some more. I hadn’t gotten my license back yet, not that it mattered. I wouldn’t be able to drive in my current state of pain. By the time I flagged down a cab, I was seeing stars from the severity of the throbbing. Of course I didn’t bring enough painkillers with me either. I honestly didn’t think surfing would take me down like that.
I paid the driver and slowly made my way into her apartment. As soon as I opened the door, the sound of someone moaning tore through the foyer. At first I thought it was Aubrey, but she barely left her room, avoiding Dylan like the plague. They’d broken up suddenly almost two years ago, and things were still awkward between the two of them.
“Cole, you have to stop, we can’t do this right now.”
I stopped dead in my tracks as soon as I heard her voice. All the blood drained from my face.
“The boys could come back any second. I don’t want them to find out this way,” Alex pretty much panted every word.
“They’re surfing, darlin, just lay back and enjoy what I do to you.”
My feet moved on their own accord. There was no stopping it. Her door was cracked open and what I saw was almost as crippling as the pain in my back. Cole was on his knees on the side of her bed, his face buried between Alex’s legs.
I scoffed, backing away from the door before they heard me. I’d never be able to look at Alex the same way again. My heart broke a little more that day. Any illusions I had all these years were shattered in that moment, and it wasn’t because of Bo or Alex. Realization hit me like a ton of bricks.
I was never a choice.
I wasn’t even in the running.
I was never good enough.
I took a quick shower, downed some painkillers, and got the fuck out of there. The last two nights I had hooked up with some random chick. As luck would turn out, she loved my cock and welcomed me with open arms when I knocked on her door.
All I wanted to do was forget, so I spent the entire day wrapped up in her *.
Doing just that.