Ramon
I grimace as I take in Noah sitting behind me and the duffle bag at his feet…he’s leaving again…and after promising me that he wouldn’t. I feel the pain rip through me and I feel broken…more so than when he left the first time. My eyes sting with the tears I’m holding at bay. I know I blew it before with him. If I hadn’t been such a dick and let him get my back up by thinking I was pulling away from him then we’d have had sex in the hall. Hot and sweaty sex.
As soon as I realized he thought I was having second thoughts, it pissed me off. I’m allowed to have fucking second thoughts considering how long it’s been since we were last together.
My body was ready for him but, if I’m truthful, I’m not sure my heart is ready to let him in again. I know I love him. I’m not going to disrespect myself by lying. But making love with Noah in our bed and then having him walk away again would kill me.
I’m strong and can argue and fight with the best of them, but Noah is my damn Achilles heel and it pisses me off seeing how fucking weak I am with him. Before he left, I never doubted myself. I never doubted my strength. I knew that he was my weakness…that I needed his touch, his glance to fill me with need…to make me feel whole but I had to fill that hole when he left. And I filled it with a fear of being hurt like that again. I don’t know what I would do if he walked out on me again.
When my gaze had landed on his packed duffle bag, I seriously thought I would stumble to my knees. I felt that hole open, the fear come raging out as weakness filled me. I may have given the impression that I was indifferent but that was me hiding my emotions behind a wall of indifference.
“You’re leaving?” I accuse, my voice as strong as I’d like it to be…lying for me in the face of that fear swallowing me.
“I can’t do this. I thought if I came back with you it would only be a matter of time before we were back together...I believed that if you could see my love for you…and see that it was still there, that you’d jump all over it.” He sighs. “Like before. But I’m wrong thinking that way. No matter why I walked away, you hate me for what I did. I can’t stay here with you hating me. I can’t look in your eyes and see the accusations shining in them. I did what I thought was right and I can’t be around you if you can’t accept my reasons.”
Baring my soul right now isn’t going to help me even though I know it will help to settle Noah. I’m not sure I’m ready for him to know how deeply I feel for him because then I’m opening myself up for more pain. Can I really keep him at arm’s length? I’m not sure I’m strong enough to do that. I need him close so I know he hasn’t disappeared.
Moving to join him, I drop onto the sofa and stretch out with my feet on the coffee table.
I let my head drop to the back and I stare at the ceiling as I collect my thoughts and emotions, and then admit, “I moved into my cabin a few months ago. It doesn’t feel like home yet because I’m still spending most of my free time here, or with one of my brothers. But it’s there, sitting on the river bank close to my family home.” I smile. “It’s so close to the river that you don’t need to leave the wraparound porch to cast a line.”
Peeling my eyes open, I sneak a look at Noah and see the same tiredness in him that’s overtaken my body. My heart flips in relief…he won’t be going anywhere.
“Is your cabin the same design that we used to discuss?”
I nod. “Yes.”
We’d discuss the design at night in the comforts of this apartment. Noah would tease saying that I needed to add a hot tub to the master suite, or, even better, to the porch. I’ve always led him to believe that I had no use for one, but he’ll know the lie that was, when, not if, I take him to the cabin.
“Why are you telling me this, Ramon? I thought you wanted me gone.”
“I don’t want you gone,” I admit. I sigh and run my hands through my hair. “It’s going to take a bit of time for me to trust you again.”
I move from my slouched position and rest my hands on my knees. “My fear that you’re going to up and leave without a word isn’t just going to go away overnight. You realize that, right?”
Noah nods but I can see from the slump of his shoulders that he’s hurt. “Yeah. I understand what I lost by walking away.” He sounds so damn sad that my armor cracks, slightly.
Even though it’s the middle of the day, I feel so tired that I could sleep for a week.
Before I can change my mind, I get to my feet and move across to Noah. Holding my hand out, I wait for him to grab hold. When he does, I yank him to his feet. “I’m tired,” I hesitate, but decide to go for it, “I need you back in our bed.”
His eyes widen in shock.