I was already saying goodbye and he didn’t know it. One last kiss. One last taste to keep his flavor in my mind before I walked away from him forever. Concerned he would pull away from me too soon I weaved my fingers into the back of his hair. He pushed harder, urging me to open up to him. Different to my world, I haven’t had this, a personal and painful goodbye which lingered a little longer than I anticipated.
His mouth consumed me, while he pushed and dragged his hands against my back desperate to discover if there was something I was willing to leave for him. A strong kiss, a farewell, a hopeless plea to stay. His tongue searched as he tried to unearth my weakness, we tangled our desires for one another with the pain of me saying goodbye. His growl across my lips, filled my soul until it forced the ironclad lock around my heart to break open for the woman I wanted to be. His love gave me the ability to see that I could be enough for him someday, but today I needed to be enough for me.
He pulled away to let the chill of the room dance across my lips. “I will never stop fighting for you, never. You’re soaked into the marrow of my bones, and you’ll be there until the day I take my last breath.” His words tickled across my lips, words that I’ve waited my whole life for someone to say to me.
I loved him so much that I knew I had to let him go. It’s my first unselfish act as the woman I was trying to become. This wasn’t about being a martyr, or trying to punish myself for bad choices, this was about finding myself for the first time in my life. I ached to belong to normal, whatever normal could be.
“Shane, I’m so in love with you, I can’t think straight. But right now, I have to move forward in my life. Make some changes, learn to become the woman I’m supposed to be. I know it seems selfish, maybe it’s wrong, maybe I’ll kick myself in the ass for doing this, but I have to be on my own. I need time to find out who I truly am. Without the grind of what I’ve done, who I am with other people, or who I’ve become. I don’t want to be the woman who let everyone take advantage of her anymore. I need to heal my heart, forgive my past, and be the woman you’ll need me to be.”
“You are the—”
“Shhhhh.” I pushed my fingers to his lips. “It’s hard to look at the perfection standing in front of me and walk away. But if I don’t do this for me . . . for us, we won’t have a chance. And I want this, I want us to last. So I’m asking you to give me some time. Don’t contact me, follow me, or question me—”
“I can’t do that.” Pulling my fingers from his lips, he shook his head back and forth. “Do you realize what you’re asking me to do?”
“Yeah, I’m asking you to give me your love and support.”
“You’re asking me to remove my heart from my chest. You’re asking me to walk away from the woman who makes me complete, leaving her to a world that is cruel and unforgiving. Why are you asking me to do that?”
“Because, I’ve spent my entire life in bad relationships, situations that stole a part of who I was and I have to find those pieces again. I need to feel that I’m worthy of accepting your love, unconditionally, without fear.” I pushed my hands against his face, clearing the fear rolling down his cheeks. “Please, tell me you can understand that I need this. I’ll find you, wherever you are, and come hell or high water if we are meant to be, we’ll be.”
Eyes damp with so much loss, he pushed his fingers against my face rubbing, brushing, memorizing what he was having to say goodbye to for as long as I needed him to.
“I’m so goddamn scared if I walk out of here right now, and give you the space you need someone else will swoop in and take my place, and that would just kill me to lose you.”
“When I find my heart, it’s yours, I promise you that.” I pushed up on my tiptoes and kissed him.
My lips slammed against his and a yearning sparked so deep, so strong in my soul that my entire body craved him in a way I’d never craved anyone in my life. If this was what love felt like, something I ached for more than my own breath when drowning, then I was willing do whatever it took to make it back to him.
“I love you, Complicated Rose.”
“I love you, Persistent Shane.”
He let go of me and walked out of my front door. No more words used, no vows, no solutions, or guarantees to what was going to happen to us. He walked out with just a hope that I would find out who I was, and I stood there hoping he’d still wanted me as badly as I wanted him when we found each other again.
6 MONTHS LATER
PORTLAND, OREGON
“NIGHT, CLAIRE. SEE you tomorrow,” I said as I rubbed my hand across the back of the bent over waitress serving drinks to her table.
“All right, Rose. Hey, you pulling the lunch shift tomorrow?” Claire asked as she slipped the empty round drink tray under her arm.
“Yeah, Tempest asked me to cover for Steph, so I’m pulling a double,” I answered as I straightened the collar on my uniform.
“I’m working lunch too,” she said as she collected her two-tone, platinum and magenta colored hair off her shoulders, twisted it into a messy bun, and thrust her pen through it to hold it in place.