“Oh, yeah, what are you going to do? What are you willing to give up for me?”
“I’m not giving up anything for you. You and I both know that’s not what you're asking from me. I know you're scared. I know you look at me and you feel everything that you’ve had to bury deep your entire life. But that’s not a reason.”
“No? What’s the reason? Why, tell me, ‘cause I just can’t seem to figure out why you won’t just give up on me.”
“Because I know what scares you.”
Our eyes met, his soul yearned for me. His intentions raged behind his big brown orbs and I could feel my protective walls being built between us. He pushed open the driver’s door and stepped out before he leaned down and we looked at each other.
“I know you have a lot of things to think about right now, but being afraid to love me back shouldn’t be one of them.” He shut the door and I was closed off again. This time by him. I watched as he got into his car and drove away. I sat there for several surreal moments. Trying to process what had just happened, how the power shifted between us and suddenly I was left even more broken than before.
My phone chimed with a text from Briggs.
BRIGGS: COME ON ROSIE, IT’S TIME. THEY ARE BURYING HER SOON.
I slipped my phone back into my purse, left it in the car and headed up the grassy hill to say goodbye to my lifeless roommate, Sybil.
I watched as they lowered the beautiful wooden casket into the ground. I didn’t relate to the idea that Sybil’s body was in there. Not seeing her lying in the casket gave me the ability to fake like this was just some drama I was watching on TV. But when they hit a snag while lowering Sybil into the six-foot-deep hole it didn’t feel like in the movies anymore. I decided I’d seen enough, I’d cried enough and I’d paid respect to her. It was enough. I looked over at Briggs and told him I was okay to leave now. We didn’t wait around for the gravediggers to shovel from the huge pile of freshly dug up earth. I turned away and never looked back.
Briggs drove me back to my apartment. We barely talked. I didn’t tell him what Shane said to me, before I went up to say goodbye to Sybil. I didn’t think he really needed to know, besides I knew it would just give him the idea that I was going to allow Shane to save me.
“Did you need me to come up for a wee bit, Rosie?”
I thought about his offer and even though it was only noon, and I was exhausted I decided I just wanted to hang out in my apartment by myself and face life tomorrow after I had a clearer head and an idea of what I was going to do.
“Thanks Key, but I think I’m gonna call it a day. I’m pretty tired and I have a lot of things I need to take care of.”
“Well, you know I can help you.”
“I know, and I appreciate your offer.”
“You just say, and I’ll be there.”
He parked in the yellow loading and unloading zone right in front of my building. He helped me out of his SUV. I clung to him, we hugged like we knew it was going to be the last time we’d see each other for a long time. He comfortably consumed my body in his embrace, I felt so desperate and safe at the same time.
“Well, Rosie gir’, I’m so sorry ‘bout Sybil. I wish I could have saved her,” Kean whispered breathless across the top of my head.
“Key, you did everything you could.” My voice dissolved into his black dress jacket.
“Please, think ‘bout what we talked ‘bout. I know you have your reasons, but, I don’t have it in me to lose you.”
In those words I pulled out of our hug, shot him a genuine smile.
“Thank you for today.”
He smiled, his eyes glassing over, “I’ll call you tomorro’,” he mumbled before he went around and got back into his car.
I rummaged through my purse before fumbling for the keys to my building.
Fifteen seconds and counting before I left Briggs behind and I started to work on what my next move was. Once I got the door to my building open I turned back and waved him off. I noticed his smile didn’t touch his eyes, and it set loose a sad ping deep in my heart.
The door slammed behind me, a noise I never got used to sending shivers down into my core every time. My phone chimed with a message, I scrolled through all the messages from all the fucks that were looking for me the last several days. More of the same, Johns I was going to hand over to the girls who fought over my six squares of sidewalk. Winner takes all.
Then my energy changed when I heard someone clear their throat. When I looked up, and saw Shane leaning against my apartment door, my knees gave a little. He was still dressed in his clothes from the funeral.
“Shane.”
“Rose,” he whispered.
“What are you doing here?”
“I couldn’t seem to make it home.”
“So you show up here? How did you get in? How do you know where I liv—Martie.”
I brushed past him thrusting my key into the door.