“He’s the same guy me keeps seein’ down in the district, prowlin’ around,” he added.
His words soaked into my head, but didn’t register right away. I wanted to argue with him, make him see that nothing made that man mine.
“He manages a laundromat down there, he isn’t prowlin’ the Tenderloin. Besides, he’s got that!” I tossed my hands forward pointing to Martie, who has now successfully wrapped herself around Shane’s body.
“I know exactly who that is. Look, that right there isn’t actions of a man who’s in love wit’ her. I’m tellin’ you, when he’s down in the belly of the Tenderloin, aye, sweet’art, tat lad is lookin’ to find you. He’s in love wit’ you.”
“Now, I know you’ve lost it. I’m completely aware of the feelings that boy has for me, but trust me, it can never happen. Ever.”
“Why? Give me one goot’ reason?” Briggs faced me, his eyes burned into my profile. I kept staring straight ahead, even if it was breaking what was left of me to watch her pull Shane over to Sybil’s grave.
I took a deep breath, hoping to catch the courage that was seeping from my lungs before I glanced at Briggs.
“Because of who I am, Key. I sell my body, to cheap-ass horny men. As much as I wish he’d be able to see past my scars, he won’t. And just like every time before, every moment I get some type of hope, it fucking fails me, and I’m crushed all over again. Trust me, it’s better this way.” My words pricked my skin just like they did the last time I said them. But it was the truth, it was me and I was it.
I looked out over the rolling grassy hills and the scene playing out in front of me between Martie, her family and Shane.
“We all have scars. You and me, our scars run deeper than most. Us two, we’re more alike than you care to admit. We keep pushin’ people away ‘cause we’re scared to let them see our weakness. Tat we actually have a heart and tat it’s lonely. I know you well, Rosie, I see me’self in you a lot. And the t’ing is, the only t’ing we’re gonna get from pushing people away, is tired. I’m tired Rosie, and I t’ink you are too. You deserve to be happy.”
“Yeah, well, that right there, that ain’t my happy . . . that right there’s nothing but a broken heart, trust me.” I slipped my hand down the side of the passenger seat and pulled the lever, lowering the back of my seat so I didn’t have to watch Shane and Martie pierce what little dignity I had left. Maybe, I just wanted to cuddle with the humiliation as I clung to it like a child who carried around a security blanket, that way I wouldn’t forget how painful it was to love someone I couldn’t have.
“You know somet’ing Rosie, I’ve pinned me pain across me chest me ‘ole life. Taken the bullets of sufferin’ like the best of them. In the middle of a war zone, me watched me brothers sacrifice everyt’ing they were. For w’at? So I could come back and waste me opportunity on being bitter while they be buried six feet under in the cold hard ground, dead for a country they loved? Shane doesn’t love that gir’ up there. He’s too busy fightin’ a war with the demons you’re not willin’ to give up.”
Briggs’ words sliced me deep. He pinned me in a corner I’d been frightened of my whole life. He saw through me as if my skin was nothing but a thin veil I hid behind to stay safe. I was always a fuck ‘em and let ‘em go type of girl. Only let ‘em get enough from me so I didn’t have to give. Nothing ventured nothing gained. It was my best excuse and my worst reason. It was easier to placate my pain than it was to provoke anyone’s love.
A pressure pushed hard against my chest, the guilt of giving up so easily robbed my breath. Now Kean Briggs was challenging me to pony up, live raw, be present, and give into my feelings for Shane. A roll of the dice in a gamble I’d always lost my whole life.
“I’m not sure I can give up my demons, they’ve been with me for so long I don’t know who I am anymore without them.”
“Ma’be it’s time you found out, who you really are.”
“What if it’s too late?”
“And, what if it’s not? Nothing is guaranteed, Rosie. We could drive outta here and be killed in a he’d on car crash. And go to Heaven, find me the Pearly Gates or crash into the fiery pits of Hell.” His accent again thickened with his intensity.
“What’s your point, Key?”
“Me point bein’ you can either be the woman sitting here contemplatin’ ‘bout to visit her best friend before they bury her forever, or you can grab your life by the short hairs and claim wat’s yours.”
“Easy for you to say.”
“Damn right it is sweet’art, but you’re the stubborn gir’ who needs to swallow her pride and mend t’ings with that boy up there. ‘Cause I’m dun watching you throw your life away. I can’t stand me dreadful thoughts every time your number comes up on me phone.”