‘Why not?’
In the rear-view mirror I saw Brian roll his eyes. ‘Because it’s bloody annoying. I don’t get my kicks driving from Cardiff to Reading to Brighton and back again, you know. We could’ve just had a nice weekend in Wales. I was going to take you to the rugby.’
Suzanne made a face. ‘Wow, I’m so sad I missed it.’ It was strange for me to see her like this, somehow diminished in the presence of her older brother. She was transformed from my cooler, worldly friend into Brian’s Little Sister. Sulky and slouching against her seat.
‘Plus,’ Brian added, ignoring her comment, ‘you really should tell me before you turn up at Mum and Dad’s. What if they’d been there?’
‘I wouldn’t have gone in if they were. And why would telling you make a difference?’
‘Oh, Zanne, come on.’
‘No, go on, tell me.’ She shifted a little in her seat so she was facing him. ‘Spell it out.’
I saw Brian tense his shoulders against his seat, tilting his head back slightly. ‘I just worry, OK? You know that.’
Suzanne leaned her head around her seat to look at me. ‘That’s Brian’s speciality,’ she said, a touch of sarcasm in her voice. ‘Worry.’
‘Is it?’ I said, not sure what to say.
‘Yeah, it’s a great filler for where the actual helping should be.’
‘Jesus!’ Brian let out a sharp exhalation. ‘That’s not fair.’
Suzanne sat back, her face disappearing from view. ‘Is it fair that you get to act really put upon? Oh, poor you, having to drive to come and get your stupid, tearaway sister?’
‘You don’t get free reign to act however you want because you’ve had a rough time,’ Brian said. ‘The world doesn’t work that way.’
‘Doesn’t it?’ Suzanne’s voice was earnestly sarcastic. ‘That changes everything. I’ll be perfect from now on.’
‘For God’s sake.’ Brian’s calm exterior was faltering. ‘Do you have to make this so hard?’
‘Yes. Consider it payback for all those years I was being abused and you weren’t.’
The words sliced through the car, stopping my breath for a second. I watched Brian lift a hand from the wheel and wrench it through his hair.
‘I tried—’
‘Hey,’ Suzanne interrupted, her voice suddenly, disarmingly conversational, ‘remember when I was, like, nine or something, and you were sick and tired of all the yelling, so you locked yourself in your room? But I didn’t know you had? And I went running away from Dad and ran smack into your door? And I was crying for you, but you didn’t open it? Remember that?’
In profile, I saw Brian’s jaw clench so hard I could see the muscle twitch.
‘I do,’ Suzanne added, still in that bright, cheerful voice, like she was sharing a happy memory instead of one that was utterly devastating. When he didn’t respond, she reached out and poked his arm.
‘I was thirteen when that happened,’ Brian said, quiet and tense. ‘Thirteen. I know it’s life-fuckingly awful that it happened to you, but it was completely shit for me too, OK?’
‘I have stories from when I was thirteen too,’ Suzanne said.
I heard Brian let out a hrumph of frustration. ‘When did you get so bitter? Was it around the same time you started acting like some kind of delinquent?’
‘Oh, fuck you.’ Suzanne snapped, twisting in her seat to face the window, then changing her mind and turning back to him. ‘Maybe it was when I realized that you’re not some kind of hero?’
‘For God’s sake,’ Brian’s voice had suddenly got louder. ‘None of this is my fault, OK? I’m doing the best I fucking can.’
I was starting to feel panicky. The tension in the car felt like electricity sparking out of control from a wire ripped free from its moorings. It felt like it could catch at any minute and set us all aflame. The cars and lorries and coaches and buses roared past us, steady and controlled, while Suzanne and Brian battled in the front seats.
They’d both reached full volume now, Brian leaning back against his seat, one hand on the wheel, the other sporadically leaping up into the air to gesture wildly. Suzanne, her face twisted with rage and pain, both hands waving in the space in front of her as if trying to shape it into something she could control.
‘What is it you want?’ Brian was yelling, bashing his fist against the wheel for emphasis. ‘Whatever it is, you actually think you’ll get it like this?’
‘I don’t want anything!’
‘Right, sure. So you’re just going to act like a total lost cause until you become one? How’s that working for you so far?’
‘Lost cause?’ Suzanne threw herself back in her seat, her fingers scrabbling at her seat belt. ‘Fine. Fine.’
Brian’s head jerked between her and the road. ‘Stop it. What’re you doing? Sit down.’