He said this with all the gravitas of a person who’d cultivated their friendships before the Internet.
‘And we’re taking away your phone,’ Mum added, as if she’d read my mind. ‘And your laptop.’ When my face dropped in horror, she shook her head. ‘This behaviour isn’t acceptable, Caddy. We expect so much more than this, especially this year, when you’ve got your exams coming up. These are your consequences.’
As bad as it all was, it wasn’t the worst thing. When they were finished shouting at me, I went upstairs and knocked softly on Tarin’s door before pushing it open and poking my head into the room. ‘Am I allowed in?’
She was sitting on her bedroom floor, surrounded by coloured bits of paper, a book open in front of her. Origami was her hobby of the moment, a colourful distraction.
‘Sure,’ she said, but she didn’t look up and her voice was flat.
I crept into the room and stepped carefully over her creations, taking a seat on her bed. ‘Um,’ I said, intelligently, ‘I’m really sorry.’
‘Thanks, but I don’t think it’s me you need to say that to,’ Tarin replied. She still wasn’t looking at me, her eyes focused on the yellow paper she was holding. Her fingers moved carefully, folding and turning.
‘I feel like it is,’ I said.
‘I’m on the list, yeah,’ Tarin said. ‘Me and Mum, Dad, Rosie, Sarah, Brian.’ I wondered how she knew about Brian. ‘And Suzanne too.’ She shook her head, almost to herself. ‘That little fucked-up friend of yours. She probably thinks she’s hit the jackpot with a friend like you, the poor kid.’
My heart twisted. ‘What’s that supposed to mean?’
‘You’re steady. And you’re nice. You won’t understand what that means because you’ve never needed it yourself. You don’t realize how important it is.’ With one hand Tarin lifted the bird she’d made into the air so its sharp-cornered wings caught the light. It made me think of the dove on Suzanne’s necklace, always around her neck. ‘And so you think you’re being a good friend by going along with her and not saying, “Stop, you’re hurting yourself.”’
‘You don’t even know her.’
‘No, but I know what it’s like to feel like you’ve lost control of your life. And I know you. Helping someone who feels like that isn’t in saying yes, Caddy. It’s in saying no.’
Part of me understood what she meant, but the other part, the obstinate part, was sure she was wrong. If I had said no, what difference would it have made? Suzanne would surely have gone to Reading with or without me. It was hardly like she needed my permission or approval to do anything.
I wasn’t sure what to say, so I said the only thing I could. ‘I’m sorry.’
Tarin looked at me. The disappointment on her face was worse than anything Mum or Dad could ever say to me. ‘I know, Cads.’
‘Do you still love me?’ I asked. I’d meant to tease, but as I spoke I pictured Suzanne the previous night, the look on her face when she’d reminded me that no one would stop loving me because I’d stayed out for one night.
I saw the reluctant smile break out on Tarin’s face. ‘Of course I still love you, you minge. Here.’ She angled her wrist and tossed the origami bird towards me. It landed, small and delicate, safe in my lap.
Rosie called later that evening, and was allowed to speak to me because she was The Good One. I could hear in her voice that she was nervous, even as she tried to sound bold.
‘Did you get in trouble?’ she asked me.
‘Yes,’ I said shortly. ‘Happy?’
‘No,’ she said, her voice quietening. ‘What happened?’
‘They yelled. I’m grounded. Did you want anything or were you just calling to gloat?’
‘Of course not,’ she said, sounding hurt. ‘Look, I’m sorry you got in trouble. But that’s not actually my fault. You were the one who went. And you were the one who lied.’
‘The only reason you did it was to get back at me,’ I said, ‘which is really petty, Roz.’
There was a short silence. ‘Well, we’re even now,’ she said eventually. ‘Maybe I was a bit petty, but you were stupid. So.’
‘Even?’ I repeated, incredulous. ‘You just ratted me out to my parents. Who does that?!’
‘Who leaves their friend at a party?’ Rosie shot back, fire back in her voice. ‘And anyway, I spoke to Tarin, not your parents.’
‘Rosie,’ I said sharply, ‘why don’t you just apologize?’ As I spoke, I realized she’d already sort-of apologized, but I carried on anyway. ‘You haven’t just got me in trouble; you’ve completely screwed things up for Suze. My parents are saying we can’t even be friends any more.’
‘God, Caddy! Suze has screwed things up for herself. AGAIN. I can’t believe that even after something like this, you still can’t see that.’