Almost without warning, I felt tears springing to my eyes. How had we got here? Rosie and I had never been the kind of friends who argued. And now here we were, fighting two Sundays in a row.
‘You both brought all this on yourselves,’ Rosie said. ‘If you don’t like the consequences, that’s not my fault. But I’m your best friend. I’m not going to tell you everything’s fine when it’s not. I think your parents are right, OK? She’s clearly a bad influence on you.’
This was when something in me snapped. ‘Why do you all think you know me better than I know myself?’ My voice was suddenly louder than normal. ‘Do you really think I’m so stupid I can’t make my own decisions?’
‘Caddy—’
‘You’re just jealous, Roz. It’s so obvious. And you know what? You should just get over it. Really.’
Tarin had appeared in the living-room doorway, her eyes wide and incredulous. I turned away from her, pressing the phone so hard against my ear it was starting to burn. ‘And actually –’ I stopped. There was a dial tone on the other end of the line. Rosie had hung up. ‘Oh,’ I said.
‘Do you want to talk about it?’ Tarin asked.
‘No,’ I said, getting up and walking past her, the tears finally breaking free and spilling down my face. ‘I really, really don’t.’
Here’s the thing though. For all the talk of consequences, nothing actually happened. Yes, I was grounded, but I knew it wouldn’t be forever. True, I was fighting with my best friend, but I was sure that too would pass. My parents were disappointed in me, but Suzanne had been completely right about one thing: they weren’t going to stop loving me.
I’d stayed out drinking and smoking in a park with a bunch of relative strangers in a city I didn’t know, and I was fine. Everything was the same. I woke up on Monday morning and went to school, and nothing had changed. It made no sense, but I felt buoyed by the weekend’s events. I’d done something wrong, I’d got caught, and the world had carried on turning and my cereal tasted just the same in the morning. All these years I’d been so worried about being good. The taste of the alternative was caramel sweet. I wanted more.
The problem was Suzanne. With all methods of communication severed between us, I had no way of knowing how she was, and I worried for her. If Rosie was angry with me, she’d surely be furious with Suzanne, the catalyst for all the changes she didn’t like. And what about Sarah, who’d sent Suzanne to Brian in the first place because she didn’t know how to handle her behaviour?
I used my lunch break to send her an email. I kept it short, hoping she’d had the same idea and would reply before I had to go to maths. But no response came until Thursday and it only made me feel worse.
Thursday 13.23
From: Suzanne Watts {[email protected]}
To: Caddy Oliver {[email protected]}
Cads,
Sorry for late reply. No access to anything. No phone, nothing. God, everything is so shit, Caddy. I ruined everything. I’m so sorry you got in trouble with your parents, and Roz. Are you sure ur not mad? I’d be mad if it was me. I don’t know why you put up with me. When I got back on Sunday Sarah just cried, and then I cried and Brian got all awkward and then left. I don’t know why I do this. What’s wrong with me? Why couldn’t I just go to brian’s like I was meant to? Sarah says she doesn’t know what to do with me. No, Roz and I aren’t fighting. She’s just completely ignoring me. It’s horrible.
Better go. I love you and I hope you’re not in too much shit. I haven’t come to see you coz no way am I risking getting you in more trouble. I’m not really sleeping, though. My head won’t shut up. I miss our little walkabouts and talking things over with you. That really helped.
Anyway. Sorry.
Lots of love
Sz xx
I printed the email out and read it over a few times more that evening, sitting on my bed with nothing else to do. She sounded so empty and lost it was almost frightening.
Folding the paper in my hands, I went to my parents’ room, knocking softly on the door and poking my head around it. Mum was sitting on the bed watching the news. When I appeared, she smiled at me and muted the TV with the remote. ‘Hello,’ she said. ‘Come and sit with me.’
I sat down next to her, crossing my legs underneath me. ‘Can I talk to you about Suze?’
‘Oh, Caddy . . .’
‘I mean properly,’ I said. ‘No shouting or anything.’
She sighed and rubbed the edge of her forehead. ‘I’ve spoken to Sarah,’ she said. ‘At length. And your father and I have discussed it. I really don’t think there’s anything you can say that will change things.’
‘But –’ I unfolded the paper, ready to show it to her, knowing its contents would probably get me into more trouble but not caring.