Suzanne glared at him. ‘Not you, fuckhead. Me. I’d be the dead one.’ She paused. ‘Maybe you should just go.’
‘Relax,’ Joe said, either missing her tone entirely or choosing to ignore it. ‘Have a toke.’
‘What’s a toke?’ I asked. It felt as if the vodka had infected my vocal cords. Wozzatoke?
‘Jesus,’ Joe said, his eyebrow raised. ‘Where’d you find this one, Zanne?’
‘That’s not very nice,’ I said, offended. ‘I have a name.’
‘A weird name,’ he said. ‘Hey, what’s with the weird name?’
‘Leave her alone.’ Suzanne sounded exasperated. She glanced at Toby, who smirked at her. ‘God, what am I doing here?’
‘Chilling out and having fun,’ Toby said. This time he put both arms around her, hugging her from behind like a bear, his chin on the top of her head. ‘With your friends.’
No one had ever hugged me like that. It looked nice. Was this what I was missing out on, being in a girls’ school? Not boyfriends, but boy friends?
‘I want a hug,’ I said abruptly. All three of them turned to stare at me. ‘A hug,’ I clarified, because they looked so confused.
‘Cads, maybe you should sit down for a bit,’ Suzanne said. She broke away from Toby and looped her arm through mine, guiding me into the living room. ‘Want some water?’
‘If you put some vodka in it,’ I said agreeably. I felt fuzzy and happy, like I was seeing myself from the outside for the first time. Look how much better I was with the fuel of alcohol and drugs! No wonder people got drunk and stoned. I was like Caddy 2.0. Beta Caddy. I nudged her. ‘Hey, Suze?’
‘Yeah?’
‘Am I doing OK?’
She stopped, right in the middle of the living room. ‘What?’
‘Am I doing OK?’ I repeated. ‘Like, am I cool? Do you think they like me?’
For a second I thought she was going to burst into tears, which confused me so much I almost tripped over my own stationary feet. She turned on the spot and then hugged me suddenly, so tightly I let out an involuntary hnuh, then let go. ‘You’re super, Cads.’
‘Super Cads,’ I echoed happily. I sat down on the nearest sofa, curling my back against the cushions. ‘God, this is the most comfortable sofa in the entire world.’
‘Right . . .’ Her voice sounded far away. ‘I’ll go get you some water.’
I had lost track of time, lost track of myself, lost track of my senses. I had no idea where Suzanne was. The sofa, so comfortable, had me safe and cocooned, like a hug. I was burrowed into it, the armrest against the back of my head, and Joe Something lying on top of me, one leg in between mine, his hand up my top. Everything was beautiful. And hot.
Maybe I’d been confused earlier about why exactly I was here. Here being Reading, this random city I hadn’t ever even given much thought to, and now the scene of my imminent devirginization. But now – now – it was clear. This was number two on that list I’d made all those months ago on a bus. This was the bonus of having a friend like Suzanne. She introduced me to boys. Boys who thought nothing of taking the virginity of girls they’d just met and would probably never see again.
There were three things I was thinking. One was, So this is why people do this (because, OK, it all felt pretty good). The second was, Hnnnarrrgghhhh (because I was pretty much the most drunk I’d ever been in my life). The third was, Sometimes you just want to get it over with, in a voice that sounded a lot like Rosie’s. I did want to get it over with. And wasn’t Joe Something the perfect get-it-over-with guy?
‘You’re so hot,’ he whispered into my ear, and my brain said, Caddy, you’re a lot of things, but you’re not hot. Maybe you can pull off cute on a good day. Hot is a sex word. Hot is not you.
A shot of panic pinged from my head right down to my feet. How was it possible to want something and not want it at the same time? Joe’s hand moved to the zipper of my jeans, I thought, Yes, OK, and then the room flooded with light.
‘Oh, for God’s sake.’ Suzanne’s voice.
‘Turn the fucking light off,’ Joe’s voice, loud against my ear. Hand still on my jeans.
‘Are you kidding me?’ She was angry, I registered with some surprise. ‘Joe, get off my friend.’
For a few seconds nothing changed. Joe’s weight was heavy and solid and exciting against me. For my part, I was still kissing him. And then he was suddenly wrenched away from me, and everything went south very fast.
Joe, regaining his footing after being pulled backwards by someone – Suzanne? – whirled around, furious. ‘What’s your problem?’ he shouted. Suddenly loud, suddenly angry.
I sat up on the sofa, trying to take in the scene through the fuzz of my confusion. Toby had come through the door and was standing there, looking like he too was trying to make sense of what was going on.
‘Go home,’ Suzanne said, steady and controlled, but clearly simmering.
Joe stepped forward, shoved her shoulders with both of his hands. ‘Don’t be such a bitch.’