‘Watts!’ someone called. ‘Are you done yet?’
Suzanne fumbled with the lighter, cupping one hand around the flame as she lifted it to the joint between her lips. I watched her confident movements, the ease in the way she inhaled before tossing the lighter to whoever it was who’d spoken. I’d never seen her do this, yet how many times had she clearly done it before? I thought about Dylan and his friends. Maybe even Rosie?
She handed me the joint, smaller and lighter than I’d expected, and put her head close to mine again, in the pretence of leaning against my shoulder, her voice low. ‘Make sure to breathe in normally.’ Was this the dreaded peer pressure the professionally anxious had always warned about? Half drunk with a friend I loved and trusted in the middle of a park in Reading? It didn’t feel like it.
I inhaled, trying not to think too hard about what ‘normally’ meant, given that I’d never even smoked a cigarette, and felt the smoke burn into my mouth, curling in my throat. It tasted thick and hot and disgusting. I choked out a cough, spluttering out a humiliated ‘Sorry’ as I pushed the joint back into Suzanne’s hand. For all her whispered instructions, I’d made it pretty clear it was the first time I’d tried one, but I was gagging too much to really care.
I could see Suzanne trying not to laugh, her hand on my back, patting slightly. ‘It’s OK,’ she said. ‘It’s not for everyone.’
‘It’s exactly like breathing in smoke,’ I said, my voice hoarse. ‘Why would anyone do that for fun?’
‘It gets better,’ she said. ‘Want to try again?’
I looked at the little stub of a spliff caught in her fingers. ‘Maybe in a minute,’ I said, imagining a layer of ash coating my throat. ‘Or, you know, maybe never, ever again.’
Suzanne laughed properly and reached an arm around me, squeezing my neck in a brief, tight hug. ‘I’m so glad you’re here,’ she said.
By the time I’d stopped keeping track of time I’d finished the bottle of vodka and Coke and had taken four more ‘experimental’ puffs on the joint. My head felt spongy, my eyelids heavy, the world around me slightly blurred and sparkly. I was lying on my back on the grass, my head in Suzanne’s lap, listening to her and the others talking. There were just six of us left now, slumped in a sort-of circle. Joe – his name was definitely Joe – had found a tennis ball under a tree and we were tossing it back and forth between us.
‘What time is it?’ a girl with dark brown hair asked. I thought her name might be Emmie. Or Ellie. E-something.
‘Nearly one?’ Hasan pulled his phone from his pocket and glanced at it.
‘Is it? Shit.’ She started scrambling to her feet. ‘I have to go home.’
‘What?’ Suzanne’s voice was an affected whine. ‘No! Stay! You can come back to mine. It’ll be like old times.’
E-something was already pulling the strap of her bag over her shoulder. ‘Sorry, Zanne. Give me some more warning next time, yeah?’ She came over and knelt to give Suzanne a hug. ‘So amazing to see you.’
When she’d gone, the five of us that remained shared the last few dregs of alcohol between us – a cheap cider I mercifully could barely taste – then left the park.
‘So are we going to yours?’ Joe asked, his arm slung around Suzanne’s shoulders. ‘Like old times, right?’
Suzanne, who had her arm linked through mine, shrugged him off. ‘Probably not a great idea.’
‘Come on, just for a bit,’ Toby coaxed. He grinned at me. ‘You think it’s a great idea, right?’
‘Yeah,’ I said, buoyed and bouncy. ‘What are you so scared of, Suze?’
She laughed. ‘You’re supposed to be the good one.’
‘Not tonight,’ I said.
‘I’ve got to head off,’ Hasan said.
‘Oh, what?’ Suzanne stopped in her tracks. ‘If we’re going back to mine, you have to come, Has. Please?’
He grinned an easy, lazy grin. ‘Next time. Promise. See ya.’
‘Damn,’ she muttered into my ear as he walked away. ‘I thought you two might hit it off.’
‘Really?’ He’d barely looked at me all night. ‘Why?’
‘Because he’s funny and nice. Plus he actually has a brain. And there wouldn’t have been any pressure because you wouldn’t have to see him again, so you could just relax and see what it’s like.’ She let out a sigh. ‘Oh well. We’ll get rid of Toby and Joe as soon as we can, yeah? Then we can stay up and talk.’
‘It’s so weird being back here,’ Toby said when we got to Suzanne’s, craning his neck to look up the stairs.
‘Weird for you,’ Suzanne said, flicking on the hallway lights. ‘Imagine what it’s like for me.’ She looked at us, the cheerfulness gone from her voice and face. ‘Don’t smoke in here, OK? And don’t spill anything.’
‘Chill out, Snooze,’ Toby said lightly. He swung an arm around her shoulder and squeezed. ‘We know the rules.’
‘I don’t,’ I offered.
‘Make a mess and you’re dead,’ Joe said. He laughed. ‘Right?’