Barbarian Box Set: Barbarians of Zandipor Books One, Two and Three

“Whoa! Easy, big boy!”

The mighty Turic’s soum is hammering like a mandashee. He’s too excited to think straight. He must bring her to the tribe. He must bring the Saku to Loupin. Loupin is the village Shaman. He’ll know what to do.

Turic leaps across the fire and rushes forward to get a better look. This pink Sandroka is the chosen one. Turic cannot believe it.

She lurches back with panic on her beautiful and weak pink face. “Let’s calm down,” she says with her hands in the air.

“Gratatooe zasert,” Turic says back. Can I see it?

“I’m taking a piss not getting ready to fuck you!” she says.

Why is Turic’s Saku so upset?

“Gratatooe Turic zasert kaleem.” Can Turic see the marking?

Turic approaches slowly as to not alarm her. She is clearly protective of her marking. It has great power.

“Gratatooe yourself,” she says, grabbing one of the small bones off of the ground.

“Utea, werfsan Turic kalumin pilert faswed,” Turic says softly to her. Yes, Turic also hates it when the Drandroka don’t clean up.

She thrusts the bone of the boomercan at Turic like a weapon and his belly shakes with laughter. Does she really think a small bone can pierce Turic’s mighty skin?

“Keep laughing fucker,” she screams, waving it around like a drunken satu. “I’ll shove this right up your dick hole!”

Turic catches her wrist and spins his beautiful Saku around. She’s as feisty as a wicker but as weak as a granu. Turic leans down and gasps as he stares at the marking. It’s magical and his eyes start to water with the beauty of it. The Drandroka have waited for generations to see the marking of the Saku and Turic found it. They’ll be telling stories of Turic around the fire for many moons. There will be a star named Turic when he passes to the Land of the Nevatrun.

“Oh that,” she says with a cute laugh as Turic stares at her wondrous marking. “That’s called a tramp stamp. I thought it was a good idea at the time when I was nineteen-years-old and hammered at spring break. The guy’s name who did it was Cliff. He smelled like whiskey.”

The mighty Turic doesn’t know what his gorgeous Saku is saying but the beauty of the moment is making water leak out of his eyes.

“Wait,” she says as she looks at Turic’s face. “Are you crying? Is it that ugly? I was thinking of having it removed but I think that’s out of the question now.”

Turic takes one last look at the enchanted marking, running his fingers over the extraordinary curved lines while his Saku sings her magical language.

Soon…it will all be over.

The dinosaurs and beasts of Zandipor have been plaguing the Roka forever. But now that the Saku is here, it will all be over! Turic feels foolish for killing the trunela earlier. She could have killed it easily.

“Calm down,” she says. “What’s gotten you all excited? You’re freaking me out. Haven’t you ever seen a faded old tramp stamp before?”

Turic doesn’t understand her words but they’re music to his ears. Turic is so happy that he can’t stand still.

“Whoa. Easy.”

She is truly the one.

“Relax, Spazzy Smurf.”

It is her.

The Saku.

The one to kill all of the dinosaurs.





eight




I dart up to a sitting position the second I wake up. I guess the days of rolling over and slamming my palm onto my alarm clock are done.

Well, it was fun while it lasted. I’m sure waking up on full deathly alert will be fun too.

Turic is still sleeping. His huge chest rises and falls with every deep breath that he takes. It’s nice to see him so calm. He was starting to make me nervous last night the way he was jumping around like a kid who just snorted six lines of sugar.

I find it impossible to believe that it was my ugly old tramp stamp that got him going last night but the proof is in the blue pudding. He couldn’t stop staring and touching it. For once I don’t regret getting the hideous thing. Thanks, drunken Cliff!

He slowly stirs and grumbles as he wakes up. The fire went out during the night but the sun, or whatever the fuck is lighting this planet up, is back.

And so is the rumbling in my stomach. I don’t suppose that he has a fridge out there that he stuck the leftover trunela in. Hopefully, he has a few more tricks up his loincloth.

He wakes up with a smile on his blue face, and it brings a smile to mine. He looks so cute all cuddled up like that. It’s a big change from the blue Rambo that I saw yesterday and it’s nice to see that he has a softer side.

He gets up slowly, wiping his gorgeous turquoise eyes with his meaty fist and lets out a big yawn. It’s the first time I see inside his mouth. No fangs for eating annoying little earthling girls. His white teeth almost look human, except of course that they’re bigger and look much stronger.

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