“There wouldn’t happen to be a Pancake House around here, would there?” I ask. I could really use a stack of pancakes with extra maple syrup. And of course, coffee. My insides seize up when I realize that I may have to go without coffee for the rest of my life.
Never seeing another human I can live with. But no coffee? Oh, hell no.
He answers in his alien grumblings.
“Great,” I answer, nodding. “In that case, I’ll take six pancakes, a bowl of fruit, and an extra large coffee.”
“Gewatlou kassem?”
“No,” I say, shaking my head. “Coffee.” I say it slower because he seems to have missed it. “Cough-eeeeee.”
“Cofe?” he answers, tilting his head.
“Yes!” I say jumping up like I just won the lottery. “Coffee. Now go get some.”
“Cofe?” He reaches over and grabs the dead snake-like thing with the squished head. He holds it up and looks at me with wide eyes. “Cofe?”
Ugh. “Is there another blue guy around who speaks English?”
I shake my head and he tosses the dead snake away. He climbs up to his massive feet and with one giant step he’s in front of me with his strong hands on me, turning me around.
“Whoa, okay,” I say as he bends me over. “You really like that tattoo, don’t you? Well, you’re the only one.”
He traces his hand on it and I can hear his heart pounding away in his chest. What is it with him and that freaking tattoo?
He releases me and darts to the exit, waving for me to follow him. There’s a quiver in my stomach as I just stand there like a dope, tightening my hands into fists and then loosening them. There’s freaking dinosaurs out there and rocks falling from the sky. So naturally, I want to stay in here.
Makes sense doesn’t it?
Well, not to Psycho Smurf. He comes rushing back in, grabs my wrist with an overenthusiastic grip and yanks me out. I could fight his pulling but I kind of like having my arm in my socket so I just go along with him.
The colors outside are shocking. They’re so bright and vibrant that they hurt my eyes until they adjust to the extreme hues. The tree beside me has purple and yellow leaves. I feel like I’ve been transported into a Doctor Seuss book.
We walk for a few minutes and my stomach is really starting to grumble. It’s so loud that he turns around. “Sorry,” I say, stepping back with an embarrassed hand on my stomach. “I still haven’t received my pancakes.”
He turns to the bright orange bush that is next to us and he pulls off a big round thing that would look like a rock if it didn’t have tiny orange hairs on it. He slams it onto his knee with a grunt and it cracks open. The inside looks like a purple watermelon. He hands it to me with a grunt.
I lick my lips as I take it from him and then I nearly drop it. I wasn’t expecting it to be as heavy as a bowling bowl, and just as hard. This guy cracked it open on his knee. Talk about power.
“Fuck it,” I whisper as I close my eyes and take a bite. Oh my God. It tastes like a fruit salad on steroids. I don’t even waste time taking a breath before I dive back in, eating and slurping it up. When I’m finished I’m gulping in breaths of air, trying to catch my breath, and my face and chest is covered in its sweet juices. Who needs pancakes when I got this? He offers me the other half and I have to reluctantly turn it down. I’m stuffed.
I continue following him and now that my stomach is full, my mind starts to wander. I wonder if Rolanda and Mandy are okay. I want to shout out their names but I remember the T-Rex from yesterday and decide to keep my mouth shut instead.
I want to get Turic to help me look for them but I don’t even know where to start looking.
So, I just follow him, watching his enormous back muscles ripple as he walks and gazing at his hot tight ass when the wind picks up every few minutes and blows his loincloth to the side.
He was scary at first but I’m really glad that I have him with me. He’s starting to grow on me.
I stay near him but not too near. I’m still not convinced that he’s not going to eat me.
***
Turic’s beautiful weak Saku is singing in her magical language. The wondrous sound floods his soum with warmth.
“I hate this fucking place.
I’m in the middle of outer space.
I’ve vanished without a trace.
And everyone has a blue face.”
Turic doesn’t understand what she’s saying but it’s beautiful and fills him with happiness. Turic can’t wait until we get to the village and he can show her off. Athrum will be so jealous.
“I hate to hike. I hate to camp.
Every muscle in my body has a cramp.
This Super Smurf can’t stop touching my tramp stamp.
At least he kills monsters like a champ.”
The sound is pure magic. She’s the one alright. She’s the Saku. Destroyer of Dinosaurs and Slayer of Monsters.
Her majestic singing is so beautiful that Turic has to stop and turn to admire it. Turic can’t walk with his soum thumping like this.
“What is it?”
Her gorgeous face and fragile body is as still as the bumpo tree.
“Turic, you’re freaking me out. Why are you looking at me like that? Is there a freaking dinosaur behind me?”
The sound of Turic’s name on her lips is like sweet nectar to his soum.