Barbarian Box Set: Barbarians of Zandipor Books One, Two and Three

“What are you looking at me like that for?” I shout as I scooch backward, trying to get as far away from him as I can. “You’re the one with blue freaking skin!”

He looks like he shot up a truck full of steroids and then took a dip in a vat of blue paint. They don’t make humans in his size. He’s freaking huge!

“Why are my tits out?” He frowns as I tuck them back into my bra. At least my underwear is still on. Wait, is it?

Okay. Underwear is still in check. He hasn’t traveled south of the equator from what I can tell. My t-shirt is on the floor, shredded. Oh, that’s lovely. There’s only one thing worse than being stranded on an alien planet and that is being stranded on an alien planet with your jujubes hanging out.

How the hell did I even get here? What the hell happened? The last thing I remembered was flying over the edge of the waterfall and now I’m here.

It’s some kind of cave behind the waterfall. But how did I get here? I’m assuming that the peeping Tom in blue knows something about that.

I take my eyes off of him for two seconds to look around. The walls and ceiling are made of smooth, moss-covered rocks that smell like mildew. The inside of the cave is tall enough for me to stand up but he has to crouch. What the hell? There’s a dead snake-like thing with horns on its squished head off to the side.

“Excuse me, sir,” I say in the most polite tone that I can muster. “Thank you for pulling me in here, and maybe molesting me? But I’m going to respectfully leave.”

He just stands in front of the only exit with his massive chest thrust out, looking at me like I’m somehow weirder than him.

He says something but the roar of the waterfall is even louder in here with it echoing off of the rock walls. I’m alone with an alien stranger and nobody can hear me scream.

Who am I kidding? There’s nobody on this planet to hear me scream. The girls in the cargo hold are probably pancakes right now, and I’m not sure about my two friends. I thought I saw Rolanda get out of the water but Mandy I have no idea.

Anyway, I have bigger things to deal with at the moment. He repeats his grumblings and I try really hard to make sense of the weird grunts and groans that he’s saying. “Tropert caleeb sanhusen.” Man, my heart is pounding.

“Good point,” I say, nodding my head. “Let me consider that on the way out of here.”

I take a step forward and so does he. My breath catches in my throat and I stare up at him with wide eyes. It’s the first time I’ve actually looked at him. Really looked at him.

He’s an alien alright. Tough blue skin all over without a strand of hair, besides the long, silky dark blue hair on his head. His eyes are a stunning turquoise that makes my breath catch in my throat. His head is huge with a wide prominent nose and a mouth that hasn’t smiled yet. I don’t think he’s capable of smiling.

Eating people, yes. Smiling, no.

He has huge, rolling shoulders and a massive chest. I mean massive. It’s the size of the windshield of my car. Ah, my car is dead.

His stomach is shredded with large ab muscles. They’re perfectly symmetrical. All eight of them. Yup, I counted them. And there’s eight.

He’s wearing an animal skin loincloth that stops high on his muscular thighs. It’s then that I wonder if he is, in fact, a male. He has to be. I’m afraid to see the males if these are the females.

But he’s a male. I can tell.

Mostly, because I’m strangely attracted to him. Hey, don’t judge. You haven’t seen these abs.

I’ve always liked muscles and he’s got enough to go around. He’s standing over me with his huge arms crossed over his muscular chest and this guy is the pure embodiment of confident, alpha masculinity. I lick my lips as I look him up and down. Hey, I’m stranded and lost - not dead.

Not yet anyway.

“So, Mr. Muscles, this has been fun,” I say, biting my bottom lip. “But like I said, I’m going to leave and go find my friends.”

He steps forward and reaches down, grabbing my shorts with both of his Sasquatch hands. He gives them a little tug and for the first time in my life, I’m thankful that my mother gave me her thick hips. My shorts stay on.

I slap him hard against the cheek and my hand nearly shatters. It’s like hitting a marble statue.

He lets me go, looking at me curiously, and I’m off. I sprint to the exit and leap out of the cave, not caring that I’m back in the water which started all of this shit in the first place.

I’d rather drown than be an alien’s sex toy. Even a hot alien.

The water feels cold after the warmth of the cave and I swim away, happy about my decision to bail. That is until I see the fin approaching.

Tall. Stiff. Yellow.

And moving fast.

I do my best Michael Phelps and before the fin gets to me I’m running out of the water, taking deep breaths as I turn back and give the weird creature the finger.

The fin stops in the shallow water and I stick my tongue out at it. “That’s right, bitch!” I yell. “There’s a delicious blue guy in the cave that you can go eat. I bet he tastes like blueberries!”

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