She turned into it and smiled.
“I don’t want to remember any more, Eddie. I’m terrified of what lives inside my own head.”
I had no idea how to protect her from that. From herself. “I wish I knew how to keep the memories out of your head, sweetheart. If I knew, I would do it in a heartbeat.”
“I know a way,” she said, looking straight into me with her deep eyes.
Grasping the ends of the blanket, I tugged her near. “I’ll do it,” I vowed quietly, resting my forehead against hers. “Anything that will put your mind at ease.”
“Give me a good memory, something to combat the dark when it comes. In case it comes back.”
Leaning forward, I kissed her swiftly, then pulled back. “You mean our Lobster Shack date that landed you in the ER wasn’t good enough?” I scoffed. Then I muttered, “I better up my game.”
Amnesia smiled, a smile wide enough it showed her teeth. “Well, that was a good day… up until the ER part.”
I grunted. I had some making up to do. Majorly. Filling her mind with memories so happy definitely seemed like a good way to fight back the bad.
After all, the only thing strong enough to battle hate was love.
Outside, wind gusted and the rain shifted, splattering harder against the windows and side of the house.
Her voice cut through the peaceful sounds the way a tornado rips through a small town. “I remembered being raped.”
My body stiffened and without meaning to, I jolted upright. Am began to tumble backward off my lap, but her arms came out to grasp me.
“Shit,” I spat, pulling her back into me, my body still rigid. “I’m sorry,” I swore and kissed the side of her head.
“I didn’t know how else to say it besides spitting it out,” she replied apologetically.
“Don’t apologize, Am,” I growled. “Not ever.”
She fell silent.
“I’m so fucking sorry.” I groaned, leaning back, pulling her with me. “I wish I’d been there. I wish my fourteen-year-old self had been quicker, stronger… something.”
“I don’t actually remember the act… or the way it felt. I don’t feel…” She paused, weighing her words. “Damaged from it, if that makes sense.”
“Because you can’t remember?”
She nodded against me. “I just remember knowing what was coming, like it wasn’t the first time… I’d been dreading it. And yeah, I’m horrified, but the memory went away as quick as it began.”
I whispered her name, sort of like a prayer.
“I think I might have passed out. When I woke up, I was lying on the shower floor. The water had run cold.”
Clutching her against me, I combated the rage and sickness warring inside me. So much emotion welled up, so much hate and sorrow.
“That’s why I’m so scared,” she confided, tucking her hand between her body and mine. “I’m so afraid the next memory will be of the actual act, and it will change me. If I start remembering the things he did to me, of the way I was abused…” She pushed up, her eyes pleading and damp. “I won’t be the same. I won’t be like I am now. Yes, I’m damaged… but that girl I was before… I think she might have been destroyed.”
What could a man say? What did he say when the woman he loved, the woman he was admittedly obsessed with, told him she could change in the blink of an eye? That a monster once did things so horrendous to her she’d rather live knowing only a few weeks of her life rather than reclaiming all the years she had before.
I couldn’t fix this. I couldn’t fix her. I wasn’t there. I hadn’t been strong enough that night to prevent it. I wasn’t sure I was strong enough now. What if I wasn’t enough? What if nothing was?
So many questions…
Only one answer.
“I’m not going to leave you, Am. No matter what. I love you. No matter what.”
“No matter what?” she echoed.
I lifted her hand, wrapped mine around it, and held out our pointer fingers. Making a large X over my heart, I said, “Cross my heart.”
“Make love to me, Eddie.”
My hand jerked, dropping hers. “What?”
She smiled, partially amused.
“Considering the conversation we just had, you have to realize that right now, I think I’m hearing things.”
“That’s why we just had this conversation,” she replied, stroking her palm down my chest. “I wanted to make you understand. I feel like there’s a clock ticking inside me, and every second, every minute, every day that passes us by is a moment lost. Another moment closer to when my brain unleashes hell upon me.”
I groaned.
Am grabbed my face, staring into my eyes. “Make love to me before it matters who I am. Before identities and terrible recollections come into play. Show me what it’s like to be in love—to be loved—before memories shatter the idealistic mind I own right now. Prove to me that there can be so much more between two people than pain.”
Give the woman I loved a first time that could overshadow everything else? No pressure or anything.
I couldn’t say no to the woman in my lap. I wouldn’t.
“C’mere.” I reached for her. She came without hesitation, her body malleable beneath my hands. Delving my fingers into the hair at the base of her skull, I directed her down, our lips meeting softly.
I coaxed her open, using gentle strokes and soft pressure. Our lips met again and again. Occasionally, I would draw back enough to nibble at her lower lip and massage her scalp with my fingertips.
Amnesia’s body remained relaxed. Not once did she hesitate or grow tense. I kissed her languidly, slowly, for an undocumented amount of time. Eventually, I moved, laid her against the cushions, and wedged myself beside her. Our legs were tangled and my arm was across her chest. I nuzzled her neck, licked over her collarbone, and whispered in her ear.
Her heavy sighs were quite the reward, and her roaming hands only spurred me on. Eventually, I pulled back to gaze down at her.
“Eddie?” she asked, rubbing a hand over my hair. “What is it?”
“You really do want this. Me,” I said vulnerably.
Her lips curved up. “I really do. So much. This isn’t some experiment or some sick way to try and trigger a memory. I don’t want that. Just you. Just Eddie and Am together. Alone. Nothing or no one else.”
Her body didn’t lie. The languid feel of her limbs and the way her body arched against mine when I kissed her couldn’t be faked. Nothing about this was making her upset, scared, or nervous. She was totally in the moment with me, just like she said.
I couldn’t prevent the past from coming back to haunt her. But I could give her a present, a present that bled into the coming days and promised something more.
Without another word, I moved over her, past her, my feet hitting the floor. Straightening up, I saw her watching me with a question in her eyes.
I smiled even as desire rolled beneath my skin, then picked her up, cradling her against my chest.
“Where are we going?” she murmured, laying her head against my chest. Clearly, she trusted me.
“I’m taking you to bed.”