“Ooh, is it a blow job? And if so, follow-up question. Are you wearing dentures? I assure you those two things are related in ways I shall explain later.”
“No!” the portly Dark cried. “Don’t leave us with them! What if they start attacking each other with their mouths again!”
“I’m having a hard time thinking and moving,” Brad said, still sounding dazed. The tips of his hair were singed.
Poor guy.
I hoped his brains were scrambled.
Chapter 14: Cutting Off the Head of the Snake
MAMA, AS she was wont to do, was sitting regally in a high-backed chair (pulled from somewhere) in the middle of Gary and Tiggy’s barn while Gary tittered around her, sparkles dripping from his horn, the air glimmering around them both. Letnia was propped up against a wall, arms across her chest, eyes narrowed as she scowled at the ground. There was a cigar in her mouth, the smoke curling up around her head. Moishe stood off to the side, skin pale, eyes cool as he tracked my movements when we entered the barn.
The King and Justin were there as well, and Tiggy, who was sitting on the ground with a few brooms clutched to his chest. He waved at me as I entered.
“Precious,” Mama said. “How lovely it is to see you again, even if the circumstances are less than ideal. I was not made aware of your return to this brave new world.” And I could hear the harshness in her words, the underlying anger. She looked… less put together than she normally did. Her makeup was smeared and she had bags under her eyes, as if she hadn’t known a good night’s sleep in a long while.
“It’s a recent thing,” I said lightly. “Welcome to Camp HaveHeart.”
Her lips twitched. “You enjoy that far too much.”
I shrugged. “You would too.”
“I suppose. Thank you, Gary. I feel less weary now. Your horn has done wonders. I’m happy you had it returned to you.”
The sparkles stopped falling from Gary’s horn. “Me too, though I’m not used to it yet. I haven’t had my horn in years. It’s like I’ve forgotten what I’m capable of. Copious amounts of death, I’m sure.”
“As a unicorn should be.”
“You might need this,” the King told me, handing me a cloth. It was only then that I realized I was still covered in Gary’s rainbow. I glanced over at Ryan and saw colors smeared across his mouth and cheeks.
“So gross,” I breathed and proceeded to scrub my face as hard as I could. Once I was as clean as I was going to get, I handed it over to Ryan. “You’ve got something on your face.”
He frowned. “I do? What?”
“My horn spooge,” Gary said rather gleefully.
Even though he would deny it later, we all heard the little scream Ryan gave as he shoved his face into the cloth. “Did I get it?”
“Yeah. No. No, there’s some in your teeth? Um. So.”
“This is your fault!”
“Hey! You’re the one that tried to sex me up in front of villains and Kevin. Don’t you try and put that on me.”
“You did what?” Gary screeched. “And you didn’t invite me? Sam, I am offended. How very dare you.”
“Hi, Sam!”
“Hi, Tiggy.”
“Darks?”
“Being guarded by Lady Tina and the Foxy Ladies,” I said begrudgingly.
Tiggy hummed his approval.
“Where’s Kevin?” Gary asked. “I need him to compliment me continuously since I have my horn back. My self-esteem might not survive without it.”
I shook my head. “He was with Randall. Said something about a job he had for Kevin. I don’t know what.”
“Was it a blow job?”
“No, Gary. I don’t think Randall was asking Kevin for a blow job.”
“Oh. Right. Because that would be weird.”
“Because nothing about any of this is weird,” Justin muttered.
“You’re different.”
We all turned slowly toward the owner of the voice.
Moishe was watching me, head cocked, silvery blond hair hanging in wisps around his face.
“Pardon?”
“You,” he said. “You’re not who you once were.”
His penetrating gaze made me uncomfortable. It felt like my skin was crawling. “I don’t know that any of us are. Things have changed.”
“Yes. This is true. But perhaps more for you than others. Tell me, wizard, where have you been?”
Wizard. “Learning,” I said slowly.
Mama glanced interestedly between the two of us.
“Learning,” Moishe repeated. “And what is it you have learned?”
“Many things.”
“In such a short amount of time, it would seem.”
“Do you have a point?”
He smiled. It was chilling. “Just making conversation. We haven’t… seen you, Sam. Since Morgan’s funeral. And now, here you stand. Different. It’s curious. Your magic. It’s… capacious. When did you pass the Trials?”
Fucking elves. They knew far too much for their own good. “Things have changed,” I said again.
“So you’ve said. I worry.”
“About?”
“Moishe,” Mama said, sounding irritated, “I suggest if you have something to say, you say it.”
“Yes, Moishe,” Randall said, entering the barn. “I would certainly be interested to hear what you have to say as well.”
Moishe bowed toward Randall. Regardless of what Moishe thought of humans in general, he always seemed to have a deep respect for the wizard. “Randall. You see it. I know you do.”
Randall sighed. “He has his cornerstone. He has the dragons. He has control.”
Moishe didn’t look very impressed. “No one, not an elf, not a man, not even a dragon, should have that much magic shoved into them as quickly as he has. Even with a… cornerstone.” He said this last with a curl of disdain, glancing at Ryan, who bristled at my side.
“What’s he talking about?” he asked me.
I rolled my eyes. “I haven’t the slightest—”
“Magic is not meant to be forced,” Moishe said. “It is a powerful thing that cannot be trifled with. Sam is vibrating with it. None of you can sense it like I can. It is overwhelming. His aura is like the sun. No man can contain that much magic for long without consequences.”
“I have control,” I said, taking a step toward Moishe.
“Do you?” he asked.
“Saved you, didn’t I?”
“Moishe,” Mama said, “either speak in specifics or stop wasting my time. I’m exhausted, and I would rather have this out now so I may sleep.”
“If Sam loses control, he could destroy us all,” Moishe said bluntly. “Or worse, he could become so consumed by magic that he turns Dark. It’d be like the bird, wouldn’t it, Sam? That dead patch in the forest that will never again know life. You could take so much away from this world in order to shape it into your own.”
Everyone but Randall turned slowly to look at me.
I really fucking hated Moishe.
“I’m not going to go Dark,” I said, trying to smile as reassuringly as I could. “For one, to become a villain, you have to monologue. And we all know how I feel about that. I think I got that from my father—”
Gary gasped. “It’s already started! He’s monologuing. Sam! Sam. Can you hear me? You can’t turn evil yet. I’ve only just gotten back my horn and need to use it for the forces of good!”
Tiggy squinted at me. “Sam a bad guy?”
“Yes!” Gary wailed. “He’s going to become a villain, and then I shall have to become the hero of the story like I was meant to be, and there will be a final climactic showdown atop a mountain, and I will rend Sam in two and he will turn good again right before he dies—”
“Gary monologuing now!”
“You shut your mouth,” Gary snarled at Tiggy. “I can’t be a villain. I am a unicorn. It’s impossible for me to be evil.” He frowned. “Wait. Right? Is that right? I can’t be evil because I’m a unicorn? Honestly, I have no idea. I mean, I don’t know that I’ve ever met an evil unicorn before. Except for Terry, but he’s an accountant, so that’s to be expected.”
“Is that true?” Ryan asked me.
“About accountants? I don’t know. I mean, it sounds right—”
“Sam. What Moishe said.”
“No,” I said, glaring at Moishe. “It’s not.”
“Sort of,” Randall said.
“Traitor!”
“But I don’t think it’s as dire as Moishe is making it out to be,” Randall said. “Sam has always defied expectations. I’m watching him closely, but I do believe with Ryan as his cornerstone, we have little to worry about. At least for now.”