“Having a horn doesn’t make the unicorn,” Mom told Gary.
“Yes,” Dad said. “It’s about what’s on the inside that counts.”
“And your insides are filled with rainbows and sunshine,” I said. “And also rage, murderous intentions, biting sarcasm that can destroy self-esteem in four words or less, sexual deviancy that puts even whores with the loosest of morals to shame, a tendency to trample first and ask questions later, a fierceness unrivaled by anyone I’ve ever met, and the ability to make any situation that much more awkward by simply existing.”
“I’m so lovely,” Gary sobbed. “Everyone thinks so.”
“I love you with or without a horn,” Kevin said. “Also, I like putting things inside of you.”
“One day,” the King said to Justin, “these will be the people you’ll rule over.”
Justin scowled at all of us. “Is it too late to be put up for adoption?”
“Okay,” Gary said, eyes suddenly dry. “I think I’m ready. I had doubts, but then you all talked about how glorious I am—which, honestly, I already knew, but it doesn’t hurt to hear—so now I’m ready to get my horn back.”
“Okay,” I said, licking my lips nervously. “So, do I just… stick it back on your head?”
Gary blinked. “I have no idea.”
Justin groaned. “Seriously? Do any of you know what you’re doing?”
Gary turned to his Terry. “Do you know?”
Terry shrugged. “I’ve never been an idiot and lost my horn before.”
Tiggy leaned forward to stare at the nub of bone sticking out from Gary’s head. He frowned for a long moment. Then, “Glue.”
“Glue,” Gary repeated.
“Glue. Just glue it.”
“We’re not going to glue it.”
Tiggy smiled. “Out of ideas.”
Randall sighed. “Sam, just… place it atop his head.”
“Me?” I looked around, but no one else seemed to be offering solutions. “Why me?”
“You’re a wizard, are you not?”
“Well, yeah.”
“Just trust me.”
“Easier said than done,” I muttered, but stepped off the porch toward Gary.
And it was in that first step that I felt the horn pulse in my hands, feeling hard and warm and—“This might be a little more sexual than I bargained for.”
“Would you stop stroking it?” Gary yelped. “You’re embarrassing me!”
“I didn’t mean to! It’s just so firm!”
“Would anyone mind if I touched myself inappropriately?” Kevin asked.
“Yes,” the crowd said.
Rainbows began to spill from the tip of the horn and splash on my hands, dripping to the ground. I grimaced at the thick consistency of it. “Oh gods, it’s leaking all over me. I’m getting covered in Gary’s rainbows. Dude, gross.”
Ryan sounded like he was choking behind me. I hoped he was all right.
Sparks began to shoot from the tip, chartreuse and marigold and seafoam. The horn was getting warmer, and it was beginning to vibrate. I groaned at the sensation, rainbows shooting out and landing on my chest.
“Yessss,” Kevin hissed. “This is fantastic.”
“Gary! Maybe not just stand there and come get your fucking horn.”
“But I’m nervous.”
“I swear to the gods, I will fucking throw this in the garbage if you don’t get your ass over here!” I gagged as a bit of rainbow got in my mouth. It tasted like freshly baked bread, and all I could do was think of Gary’s bakery menu, and I was traumatized.
Gary shuffled his feet in the dirt, looking at his horn, then at me. “Okay. Okay. I can do this. I can do this.”
“Ugh, it’s all over my face.”
“Yeah,” Kevin breathed. “It sure is.”
“Is it still possible for me to return to the dungeons?” the King asked.
“Absolutely not,” Justin said. “If I have to watch this, so do you.”
The horn began to glow, and the rainbow spooge made it slick as I struggled to hold on to it. The grooves and ridges slid against my palms and fingers, and I could barely make out Gary’s approaching figure with all his horn juices covering my face.
“Oooh,” Gary moaned. “I can feel it. It feels so good.”
“So good,” Kevin whispered. “Everything about this is so good. You get that horn. Just let Sam give it to you.”
“I’m going to go back to the desert now,” Vadoma said.
“You can touch my horn,” Terry told Ryan. “If you want.”
“Um,” Ryan said. “No, thank you.”
“Sam!” Gary cried. “Put it on my head! Hurry!”
I grunted as I raised the horn. It was shaking so badly, rainbows splashing everywhere, sparks shooting out and hissing on my skin. My arms were sore, my hands numb, my face covered in rainbows, but I took that last step— And slammed the horn back on Gary’s head.
I felt the moment the bottom of the horn struck the bony protrusion on Gary’s head. There was a scrape of bone against bone, and then a shock of pure power shot through me, gold and green slamming into every other color of the rainbow. A rising wind whipped around us, and Gary’s breath felt hot against my face. I gritted my teeth and held on for dear life.
And then, just because it seemed I needed more strangeness in my life, I heard what sounded like a choir singing again.
Only to realize moments later that it was Gary.
“What are you doing?” I managed to say.
“Aahhh aaahhhh AAAAAAAAAaaaahhhh—what?”
“Why are you singing?”
“Because this is a magical moment, and I always told myself that when I got my horn back, I would sing about it. Gods, don’t be a bitch, Sam. This is my moment, and I will not allow you to make it about yourself. Allow me to have this one thing, for fuck’s sake.”
I sighed, even as the wind roared around us and I felt assaulted by magic.
So Gary continued singing, head bowed, and I held on for dear life, closing my eyes against the bright flashes of light that began to emanate from where the horn was pressed against his head.
And then it was over.
The wind died.
The magic faded.
Gary stopped singing.
I let go of the horn.
And then the crowd gasped.
“Holy shit,” Ryan said from somewhere behind me.
I opened my eyes.
Gary stood before me, looking hard-core as fuck. The air around him was shimmering, but in a softer light than if he’d been in the throes of Glitter Rage. His mane and tail were now rainbow colored and fluttering in a soft breeze. His eyelashes looked as if they’d grown by inches as he slowly batted his eyes.
And his horn. His horn. It was long and rigid, cut into perfect spirals to a sharply pointed tip. It was longer than Terry’s and thicker too. The tip sparkled with a beautiful light, as if a star sat upon it.
“Holy shit,” I breathed. “It’s huge.”
“Yes,” Gary said, his voice having an eerie ethereal quality to it. “I’ve always been a bit… bigger than other unicorns.”
“It’s not about the size,” Terry muttered, “but what you do with it.”
Gary ignored him and turned toward the crowd, who stared back at him openmouthed. “’Tis I,” he said, voice fluttering musically. “Gary. You may gaze upon my stupendousness and—hey. Hey. You there. With the abnormally large nostrils. In the back! What are you doing?”
The crowd turned to stare at some random dude near the rear of the crowd. He did indeed have abnormally large nostrils. “Me?” he asked.
“Yes, you. You’re not gazing upon my gloriousness!”
He shrugged, looking bored. “There is literally another unicorn standing next to you. Once you’ve seen one unicorn, you’ve seen them all. You all look the same.”
“Oh no,” I said.
Gary’s eyes narrowed as glitter started to slough off him. “Excuse me?”
Mom stepped forward. “Gary, maybe you should take a breath. You just got your horn back. You don’t have control like you—”
“Unicorns are dumb,” the man said, apparently incapable of fear. “And pointless. And they annoy me.” He paused, considering. “And I don’t like their faces.”
Before I could take a step forward to do something, a bright rainbow shot from Gary’s horn. It shot up into the air like a firework before it arced and started to fall to the ground.
The crowd shouted as they ran out of the way.