“But if you don’t want a piece of all of this, then what are you after?” Gary asked, batting his eyelashes at me.
“Something far more sinister,” I said, scowling at him and stroking my beard furiously. “I have come… for your horn!”
Kevin whimpered. Strangely, so did Ryan.
“Oh no,” Tiggy said. “This terrible. Gary alone in woods and poisoned.”
“Oh no,” Gary said. “This is terrible. I am all alone in the woods, and I’ve been poisoned. Whatever will happen to me? For I, Gary—”
“It was the flower!” I crowed wildly. “That is what poisoned you!”
“Sam,” Gary hissed. “You came in too early! I wasn’t finished with my inner monologue yet.”
I winced. “Sorry. I’m just happy to be here. I get excited easily.”
“No shit. Don’t let it happen again. I will fire you and give your job to your understudy, so help me gods. Do we understand each other?”
“Yes.”
“Good. Ahem. Tiggy, line please.”
Tiggy frowned.
“Tiggy! Line.”
“Whatever will happen—”
“Yes. Whatever will happen to me? For I, Gary, the queen of the forest, have been captured by a villain who for some reason doesn’t want to tap dat ass, but has other nefarious purposes in mind for me. He knows not who he trifles with, and if I wasn’t so woozy, I would be stabbing the shit out of his eyeballs right now, because motherfucker does not get to walk away from this. Who does he think he is?”
“Bum,” Tiggy sang. “Bum, bum bu-buuuummmm.”
“I… am… Gary! I make the world merry. People think I’m scary, bitches better be warrrrrrryyyyy.”
“Did you know about this?” Justin asked Ryan, sounding extraordinarily accusatory. “Did you know there would be songs?”
“That beard, though,” Ryan said, sounding awed.
“It was the flower!” I said again. “That is what poisoned you.”
“It was the flower,” Tiggy said. “Curses.”
“The flower?” Gary asked, outraged. “How did you know I would be searching for flowers?”
I prowled around him. “I have been following you for days, my sweet. Watching your every move like a creepy asshole who doesn’t know the meaning of personal boundaries. I have been planning this very moment for at least six hours, and now that I have you in my clutches, I will take from you what shall be mine.”
“My horn?” Gary whispered, eyes wide.
“Your horn. Because everyone knows a unicorn’s horn is one of the most powerful magical objects ever to exist. One who has such a thing in his possession will be capable of many villainous things, like mayhem and scandals.”
“Mayhem and scandals,” Tiggy said. “Two things that are bad.”
“Mayhem and scandals,” Gary cried. “Oh, heart! Beat slowly in my chest. Is there no one over yonder who could save me?”
“No one over yonder,” Tiggy said sadly. “Gary all alone.”
“There is no one who could save you,” I said, a terrible smile on my face. “Soon, you won’t be able to move, and I will cut the horn from your head.”
Mom and Dad looked disturbed. Even Terry seemed affected.
“Why?” Gary asked, eyes sparkling with tears as he lowered himself to the ground. “Why would you do such a thing to one as magnificent as I?”
“It’s really rather simple,” I said, standing above him. “It’s because I can.”
And I reached for his horn.
The paper one.
That had fallen and was resting on his cheek.
Community theater was hard.
“Do the ribbon thing,” Gary whispered as I grabbed the paper horn.
“Don’t you think that’s a little graphic?”
“Wow, way to question the star. Just fucking do it.”
I rolled my eyes but complied. A soon as I began to slowly pull the horn from his head, I gathered a small bit of magic and shot silky red ribbons from my sleeves, simulating blood for reasons I didn’t understand. A unicorn’s horn was made of bone, and it shouldn’t have bled profusely, but I didn’t want my understudy to get my job, even though I didn’t actually have an understudy.
“Ungh,” Ryan said, eyes glazing over.
“Oh my gods,” Justin groaned.
“Bleh,” Gary said, like he was dying. “Ack. Argh. Blech. Urgh. Bleh.”
“No,” Kevin whispered. “No, no, no. I can’t watch this. It’s far too terrible.” He squeezed his eyes shut tightly.
“Muahahaha,” I said as I snapped the hair holding the folded paper in place. I held the horn above my head, ribbons still shooting from my sleeves. I was probably overselling it, but it looked really cool, and Ryan seemed as if he wanted me to fuck his face right then and there, so it was a win/win. “I have taken this unicorn’s horn. His power shall be mine.”
And then I faded back into the corner of the tent.
Tiggy trained the spotlight back on Gary’s fallen figure. He lay on the ground, tongue lolling out of his mouth, eyes closed.
“My love!” Kevin said. “You must rise. Get up! Get up so far into the future, we can meet and I can go to your bakery and eat the royal hell out of your croissants!”
Gary opened a single eye and glared at Kevin. “Would you shush? I’m acting.”
“Oh. Right. Sorry.”
He closed his eye again, tongue falling out of his mouth.
“This was sad,” Tiggy said. “The forest cried. The earth wept.”
And even though this was all bullshit, even though we were mired in the ridiculousness of it all, I couldn’t help but feel my eyes burn a little. Because regardless of how overly dramatic we were being, this wasn’t too far from the truth. One day Gary had been poisoned and unable to move, a man standing above him, sawing through bone on his head, taking from him part of his identity. And he’d been alone. This was before me. Before Tiggy. He’d been in the forest with no one to help him, and he’d been attacked. He didn’t deserve such a thing. No magical creature did. Even though he tried to laugh it off, tried to put on this play as a way of coping, I knew how it had affected him. He’d been stripped of his autonomy and then assaulted. It’d taken him a long time to tell me what had happened, and when he did, he hadn’t been able to look me in the eye. Tiggy and I had held him for a long time after that, until he’d told us to fuck off, that he was an independent unicorn who didn’t need to be coddled.
My mom was crying, Dad’s arm wrapped around her shoulders.
Terry’s eyes were wide and suspiciously shiny.
In fact, the only people in the room who didn’t seem affected at all were Lady Tina and Vadoma. The former looked bored and the latter annoyed. If this hadn’t been Gary’s performance, I would have gladly bitch-slapped the both of them.
“Everything was sad,” Tiggy continued. “Because poor Gary don’t have no horn.”
Gary’s eyes fluttered open. “Oh no,” he whisper-sang. “What has happened to me? Someone has stolen my iden-ti-ty.”
“Whyyyyyy,” Kevin wailed. “Oh gods, whyyyyyyy.”
“I… have lost my horn. Now I wish I’d never been… born.” He took in a great sucking breath.
“Tiggy sad now,” Tiggy said, great globular tears streaking down his face. “Tiggy so sad.”
Gary began to push himself up, still singing. “I am seething with a momentous rage.” He propped himself up on his front legs, rear to the ground. “My heart has been locked into an unbreakable cage.”
I wanted to run and hug him, but I couldn’t, because I had already exited the stage, and he would kill me if I interrupted his final moments.
Gary stood on wobbly legs. “Who am I supposed to be? When I can no longer be the me I see?”
“Okay,” Kevin said, tears streaming down his snout. “I think we can agree that line was awkwardly worded. Still effective.”
“My horn,” Gary sang, “oh why have I been forsook? My world, how it has been shook. And now! How will I go on? When everything I knew is now gone?”
And then he went for the kill with the last verse. “I am filled with such terrible remorse. Am I now no better than a common… horse?”
Tiggy covered the lantern completely.
The tent fell into darkness.
Then Tiggy pulled the parchment completely off the lantern, illuminating the tent, and Gary bowed.