“Hey!”
“—your focus should be on me. But given the gravitas with which I carry myself, I doubt you’ll have much issue with that!” He chuckled heartily. No one else did. “Anyway, hold your rapturous applause until the end, and I will be signing autographs for four minutes afterward. If you come to me at minute five, Tiggy will kill you.”
Tiggy grinned. “Kill you so hard.”
“Now, as soon as Sam finishes the one simple task I gave him at which he seems to be failing spectacularly, we will begin the story known as Gary’s Requiem: A Story of Heartbreak, Redemption, and Being Fabulous. Music and lyrics by Gary. Playbook by Gary. Costume design by Gary.”
Music and lyrics, Ryan mouthed to no one in particular.
“Got it!” I crowed. “One fake horn attached to a string, just like you asked.”
“Hmm,” Gary said, inspecting my work. “And what string is this?”
“It’s my dad’s hair,” I admitted.
“I support the arts,” Dad said.
Gary blushed but tried to act like he wasn’t affected. “Right. Glad you could do the minimal amount of work required. Congratulations, Sam.”
I rolled my eyes as I slid it on his head and tied the hair underneath his chin.
“How do I look?” he whispered.
“Completely stupid,” I whispered back as I kissed him on the cheek. “Break a leg, you dick.”
“Quiet please,” Kevin said, sounding completely enraptured. “If we could please have quiet! My beloved is ready to begin. If you have a summoning crystal, we ask that you turn it off so as to not disrupt the show. And please, no drawing pictures of the performance. We’ll have signed programs at the end for sale at an exorbitant price that you will purchase to fund Gary’s scarf collection, because his mane is precious and must be protected at all cost.”
And then Gary took center stage.
(Which was just the middle of the tent in the dirt, so.)
Chapter 7: Gary’s Requiem: A Story of Heartbreak, Redemption, and Being Fabulous
JUST LIKE we’d practiced, Tiggy put the spotlight directly on Gary, who stood stock-still, posing with his chest puffed out, head thrown back. He looked like one of the horses children rode on carousels when the carnivals came to the City of Lockes during the summer, though telling him as much would probably result in my death. He was magnificent, however, the light catching him just right, and for a moment I allowed myself to take in one of my best friends in his full glory, before resigning myself to the shenanigans that would follow.
“This is ridiculous,” I heard Lady Tina mutter before she was hushed by at least one dragon and three humans.
While I waited in the corner for my cue, I raised my hand to my face, thumb on one cheek, four fingers on the other. I stroked downward, and a beard sprouted underneath my touch, growing long and full until it curled against my chest. We didn’t have time for the costumes Gary had made (if they hadn’t been destroyed in the fall of Castle Lockes), and I wanted to give him as much as I could to make up for everything. I felt a bittersweet pang in my chest, hearing Morgan say that shaping magic was a frivolous thing, nothing more than a parlor trick. He’d probably be irritated that I’d even do such a thing, but I thought he’d be proud at how full my beard looked. He’d been complex like that.
And then Gary’s Requiem began.
“Once upon a time,” Tiggy recited dutifully, “there was pretty Gary. He was pretty, and Tiggy love him. Gary the best unicorn. Everyone thought so. One day Gary went to woods to pick flowers because Gary liked flowers. I also like flowers. And potatoes. And raccoons.” His face scrunched up. “And brooms.”
“Tiggy,” Gary hissed, still posing, barely moving his mouth. “Stick to your lines.”
“Hi, Gary!”
“Hi, Tiggy.”
“Okay,” Tiggy rumbled. “Gary in woods. Picking flowers. It was sunny. Very nice. Tiggy likes it when Gary in the sun. He is warm. Makes me feel good.”
“I am so going to squish your face when this is over,” I muttered under my breath.
“Tra-la-la!” Gary said loudly as he started to prance, paper horn slipping a little. “I am here in the woods, all by myself, looking for flowers. It is a wonderful day, and I am young and hung and very beautiful.”
“I think the realism of this is my favorite part,” Kevin whispered to my dad. “It feels as if I know just how hung he is.”
“I wish I hadn’t heard you say that,” Dad whispered back.
“Ooh,” Gary said. “Look! ’Tis a lilac! My favorite. I shall pick it and take it with me back to my home, where it will eventually be placed into my mane and everyone will tell me how amazing I look and—” He took a stuttering step forward.
Kevin and Tiggy gasped loudly.
Terry rolled his eyes.
I didn’t like Terry very much.
“What is this?” Gary asked, voice trembling. “Why do I feel so weak? What has happened to me? I cannot move my legs or my body. Have you betrayed me, lilac? How dare you!” His eyelashes fluttered as he looked as if he was going to faint. He took another step forward, and right before he was about to fall, he froze again.
“Poor Gary,” Tiggy the narrator continued monotonously. “He didn’t know he been poisoned. Really, really sad. Flower was not a nice flower. It a trap.”
“I knew it,” Kevin whispered fervently. “I knew it was a trap!”
“Yeah,” Tiggy said. “A trap. Oh no. Gary in trouble. What Gary not know is that there was bad guy following him. In the shadows. A villain.”
My cue! How glorious!
“Muahahahaaa,” I said as deeply as I could, still standing out of the light in the corner of the tent. “My evil plan of evil is working.”
Ryan sounded like he was choking. I hoped he was all right.
“This not good for Gary,” Tiggy said. “He couldn’t move. It super sad.”
“I can’t move!” Gary wailed. “I am a unicorn, a being of pure light and sunshine and rainbows who children adore even though I usually don’t like them because they are sticky and stupid and I wouldn’t be sad if they all went away. But oh no! This plight I have found myself in is certainly not good!”
“Not good at all,” Tiggy said.
“Or is it the best,” I growled. “Because I am a villain, and I plan on showing you my villainous ways.”
“Oooh,” Kevin whispered. “It’s one of those sexy shows.”
“Bum,” Tiggy sang. “Bum, bum bu-bum.”
“I am really saaaaaad,” Gary trilled, picking up the tune.
“And I am really baaaad,” I warbled.
“Hark!” Gary cried. “Who goes there! And what have you done to me!”
I stepped out from the corner, stalking slowly toward Gary. “’Tis I, a villain!”
“Holy realistic beard,” Ryan breathed.
“Oh, godsdammit, Ryan,” Justin said with a scowl. “Control yourself.”
“It’s not that great,” Terry muttered. “My mane is longer and far more luxuriant. Ryan, do you want to touch my mane? You can, if you want.”
“Who are you?” Gary asked dramatically. “What do you want from me? You can’t have your wicked way with me. My virtue is intact. I am pristine and shall remain as such! You shan’t take that away from me, even though you have drugged me to try and make me pliant.”
“I will not have my wicked way with you,” I spat, stroking my beard, because according to Gary in his production notes, villains stroked their beards to the point that it looked like they were trying to jerk their facial hair off. I had tried to schedule a meeting with him to discuss the direction the play was going, but his secretary (Tiggy) had kept saying Gary was unavailable for the foreseeable future. I’d thought he was lying. “Even though dat ass won’t quit.”
“Dis ass?” Gary asked, wiggling his posterior just a little.
“Dat ass,” I agreed, only because it was in the script. I tugged on my beard some more, trying to sell my villainous ways.
“It is nice,” Gary said. “Thank you for noticing. I do lots of squats.”
“Gary did them every morning,” Tiggy narrated. “Everyone liked dat ass.”