“I thought Knight Delicious Face eat your flower,” Tiggy said, face scrunched up. “Sam go in woods and become virgin again?”
“I’ve missed these cringeworthy moments,” Dad told Mom. “It feels like things are finally getting back to normal. Well, as normal as things can be in a makeshift camp after being forced from our homes by hordes of Darks.”
“It’s good to know that even as a wizard now, he can still make an entire room feel uncomfortable with just a few words,” Mom said. “Do you remember when he was little and would get scared of the dust monster he thought lived under his bed? He would come crying in our room and demand to sleep with us. It was easier to say no when he turned fifteen.”
“Ha ha,” I laughed awkwardly. “She’s joking, everyone. I never did that. Ha ha ha. So funny, she is.”
“Glad you both could join us,” Justin said coolly, standing in front of a large table littered with parchments and scrolls, including what looked to be a detailed schematic of Castle Lockes. “Maybe next time, take the hour that I gave you and use it wisely without wasting my time. Do we understand each other?”
“So kingly,” I whispered to Ryan. “Gives me chills.”
Ryan nudged my shoulder and shook his head.
“Are we good?” Justin asked, glancing at Ryan.
I waited, fearing what answer he would give, or that it would be a lie.
“Getting there,” Ryan said, and I believed him. His hand was still in mine, and he didn’t seem as if he wanted to let go.
The interior of the tent was spacious but cluttered. There were boards set up on wooden stands that looked to be covered in strategies meant for battle, lines showing movement and direction against an opposing force. Several of them showed various methods of attack, and while I thought they seemed well planned, I couldn’t help but wonder what they expected to happen, sending their brawn and swords against waves of Dark magic. I didn’t see it ending well, even if I was impressed that they seemed to be preparing to fight back.
Standing near the Prince was Lady Tina, her sword in its scabbard at her side, her hair pulled back in a ponytail. If I didn’t know that in her chest beat a cold thing of malice, I would have thought she looked like she belonged next to him. I didn’t like it one bit. If she thought she could come in and steal my best friend 5eva, then she was going to have a fight on her hands. She stared at me unnervingly, as if daring me to say something about her presence. I would have, too, and probably said something so witty and demoralizing that she’d run crying from Camp HaveHeart, never to be seen again, but I was distracted by another person standing in the room next to my parents.
Vadoma. Why she would need to be here with the others was beyond me. She could leave with Lady Tina.
And next to her was Terry, a sight I didn’t know if I was ever going to get used to. He had an expression of disdain on his face, looking so much like his brother that I did a double take, especially when I saw it was directed at me. He sneered a little before looking at the knight at my side. “Ryan, are you all right? That miserable little thing seems to be clutching on to you as if it were some kind of malevolent barnacle. If you’d like, I can remove it for you and you can stand by me and feel comforted by the fact that I have saved you.”
“That’s how they are,” Lady Tina told him. “It’s a sort of affliction for which I have yet to find a cure.”
“How terrible,” Terry said. He eyed Lady Tina up and down. “I have decided I like you. You should feel blessed, as I don’t like most people.” He glanced back at Ryan. “I also like Ryan. A lot.”
Lady Tina preened.
Ryan blushed.
I decided I hated Terry.
“Hi, Terry,” Ryan said, a dopey smile on his face. “I hope you’re settling in well at Camp HaveHeart.
Little rays of light began to shoot from Terry’s horn as he batted his eyes at Ryan.
I decided I really hated Terry.
“So,” I said. “This is just a gathering of all my favorite people in the entire world. Neat. I’m just thrilled that some of you are with some others. Thrilled.”
“I had a vision you would say that,” Vadoma said, the bangles on her wrists knocking together. “I have many visions about everything you say. None of them are good.”
“Well that’s not surprising,” Terry said.
“It really isn’t,” Lady Tina agreed.
Yeah, this wasn’t going to fly. “I think we should take a vote about certain people being kicked out of the Cool Club, because certain people are not being cool—”
“Sorry, sorry,” Gary said, bursting into the tent, panting wildly. “I was unavoidably detained doing… charity work.”
“Charity work,” I repeated. “Your mane and tail look like they’ve been wind-raped.”
He gasped. “How dare you tell a unicorn such a thing? Why, I am offended that those words could possibly even come out of your—”
“What charity?”
“What?”
“You said you were busy doing charity. What charity?”
His eyes shifted side to side. “You know. The one with. The albino… children.”
“And what do you do for the albino children?”
“Protect them? From… the sun. The sun’s rays. Yes, I shield them from the sun with my mane and tail, which explains why I look as disheveled as I do.”
“What’s the name of the charity?”
“Gary’s House for the Pigmentally Challenged Youth Where I Pretend To Be Chivalrous, But Do It So I Feel Better About Myself.”
“What the fu—”
The ground shook as the tent flaps parted and Kevin stuck his head inside. He grinned when he saw me. “Look at that,” he said. “Right on time as always. You know what they say, a dragon is never late, and that’s what makes them so great.”
“Literally no one says—Kevin.”
“Yes, Sam.”
“You have rainbows dripping from your mouth.”
“Oh. Do I? How about that. How positively droll.” His tongue snaked out from his mouth and flicked along his lips. His eyes fluttered shut at the taste. “Must have been that… rainbow… I flew through. On my way to the meeting.”
“And obviously it has nothing to do with me,” Gary said quickly. “Because of the albino children. Who I love.”
“All together again,” Tiggy said, smiling broadly. “So happy.”
“Are we finished?” Justin asked. “Because I didn’t just travel for days bringing Gary’s brother here to listen to this. We had a point, which seems to have been put into disarray because of someone’s return.”
I looked around the room, frowning in agreement. “The Prince is right. You are all distracting him from—oh. Right. You were talking about me. I get that now. My bad.”
“I agree,” Terry said, looking at Gary disdainfully. “The Prince has spoken and has asked for your attention. Brother, your perversions are not necessary. Ryan, you should come stand next to me so you can hear better and contribute with my input. Leave Sam where he is. I don’t want fleas.”
“I don’t have fleas,” I growled as I itched my scalp. “I had to bathe in a creek. For months. I’m sorry if I look like a homeless addict. You would too if you’d been through what I have.”
“I wouldn’t know,” Terry said. “I’m an accountant. Which, as everyone knows, is a stable job with health benefits that would extend to any partner I might have.” He stared at Ryan.
“Oh, here we go,” Gary said, rolling his eyes dramatically. “Listen to my brother, everyone! He’s got a job and insurance and a house and responsibilities. He’s so perfect with his mortgage and his imported tile and his horn.”
“I’ve seen the inside of the place you call home,” Terry retorted. “It looks like a hovel belonging to an elderly blind woman who once had impeccable decorating skills but then decided to just slaughter everyone inside a yarn store and leave their parts on the walls and floors.”
“Ooh,” Tiggy and I said.
Glitter started sloughing off Gary. “Bitch, I’ll cut you, bitch. You wanna know what Gary’s gonna do? Gary’s gonna bring the motherfucking pain.”