“With Lady Tina and the Foxy Lady Brigade at the training fields,” I snapped. “Because apparently they want to see what the women have been working on, and maybe, Sam, you should just go get some rest because you still look tired and—oh. Wait. I can see the whole jealousy thing now. Dammit. And now that I think about it, I’m really jealous. Like, it’s burning inside of me.”
“Dawning realizations are my favorite kind,” Gary said. “How I have missed you and your particular brand of self-awareness.”
“I’m going to take that as a compliment,” I decided. “Because I need that right now.”
“They love you,” Tiggy said, setting aside a chimney-sweep broom that looked as if it’d seen better days. “Like we love you.”
“Thanks, dude. That’s nice of you to—”
“Not done.”
“Oh. Right.”
“They mad, though. Like we got mad. You left.” He shrugged. “All gone. Kevin gone too. Everyone scared. Villains came and Tiggy smashed, but it not good enough. And now you here, but different. You Sam, but bigger Sam. Big big magic, you know?”
“Some people think he doesn’t have much to say,” Gary said, looking at Tiggy fondly. “They’re wrong. He only speaks the truth. There’s no filler. Not like with the rest of us.”
I glared at the both of them. “I’ve already apologized. I don’t know what else to say to get you guys to believe me.”
“Sort of like Lady Tina, right?” Gary asked.
I blinked. “Oh, you son of a—”
“Look, Sam. We’re so happy you’re home. All of us are. We’ve been waiting for you for a very long time. And during that very long time we waited, things happened. Things that you weren’t a part of.” He sighed as he shook his head. “I get it. I really do. Where you’re coming from. And it’s valid. It’s like you were stuck in time, you know? The last thing you remember about all of us was how we were when you left. But for us, time hasn’t stopped. We’ve had to move forward, and—”
“And leave me behind,” I said, trying to keep the bitterness out of my voice. I failed quite spectacularly.
“No,” Gary said sharply. “Never that. There is a place for you here, just as there has always been. But you are different now. Just like we are. And we have to figure out how to fit again. You’re my best friend. My more unattractive sister from another mister.”
“Hey, man, I’ve met your brother now, and everything I’m hearing about your parents, maybe they’d like to—”
“I will cut out your heart and eat it in front of you.”
“I could get up on your dad,” I said, rather gleefully. “And your mom probably wouldn’t be too upset by it. She’d probably even join in. Just think, if Ryan decides I’m not worth the trouble and he seeks solace in Justin’s arms like I’m sure Lady Tina has masturbatory thoughts about (or even with Terry, what the fuck), then maybe I’ll need to find comfort somewhere else. I could be your stepfather. I wonder what it’s like to be between two unicorns? I bet it’s cosmic.”
Gary was on his feet in a split second. “You wouldn’t dare.”
“Sam gonna get some unicorn?” Tiggy asked, cocking his head.
“Maybe,” I said. “We’re all different now, right? Maybe that’s a thing Sam of Dragons likes. Get me some ’corn.”
“Really,” Gary said, a glint in his eyes. “Then you wouldn’t mind making out with me, if you like unicorns now.” He took a step toward me.
I swallowed thickly but put on my brave face. “Of course not. That sounds… just. Like. So hot.”
“Yeah?” Gary said, voice dropping an octave or two. I was sure it was supposed to be erotic, but it caused my balls to shrivel. “I’ve got a very long tongue. Could probably lick all the way down to your lungs with the tip.”
“Wow,” I said weakly. “That sounds… invasive.”
“Kevin gonna be sad he not here,” Tiggy said. “I sad that I am.”
“So invasive,” Gary said as he loomed over me. “I can’t believe I’m finally going to get to put myself inside you.”
I had to be strong in the face of such adversity. Two could play at this game. I arched an eyebrow at him and smiled widely in a way that I hoped said that I was giving serious consideration to making out with a hornless unicorn. “Yeah,” I said, sure that I sounded husky and sultry. “I’ve thought about this once or twice.”
“Bad thoughts,” Tiggy moaned in the background. “Bad, bad thoughts.”
“What?” Gary squeaked. He coughed. “I mean, yeah, totally, me too. This is going to be so sweet. Like, I’m pretty sure I’m thinking about getting an erection right now.”
“Oh good,” I said. “Because I’ve already started to get one a little bit.”
“No,” Tiggy said, rocking back and forth. “No, no, no, no.”
I could feel Gary’s breath on my face. It smelled like warm cookies and happiness. “Well,” Gary said, “maybe it’s time you found out exactly what my bakery is all about. Stop in. Have a seat. Let me take care of you. Maybe have a jumbo caramel banana muffin.”
Oh my gods. That was one of the more disgusting things on his bakery menu. It involved—no. No, I couldn’t even picture it, because the very thought of the depravity of Gary’s jumbo caramel banana muffin was enough to make me want to find the nearest church and pray for hours. “Sounds great,” I managed to get out. “Make sure it has extra caramel.”
“Whyyyyyyyyyy,” Tiggy moaned.
Gary’s eyes widened slightly. “Oh, I’ve got all the caramel for you.”
Tiggy gagged.
“Good,” I said. “Now, are you gonna kiss me, or are you just going to stand there and talk about it?”
“Here I come,” Gary said.
“Which is what I’ll be saying in like three minutes.”
Gary shuddered. “That’s so hot,” he managed to say, even though he sounded like he was about to be violently ill. “I can’t wait to see your orgasm face.”
Ugh. That’s not something you should ever hear from your unicorn best friend. “Yeah, it’s pretty… cool.”
“I’m going to put so much rainbow in you. It’s probably going to end up leaking out your ears.”
I threw up a little in my mouth but managed to swallow it. “Yeah, maybe after you can lick it up.”
He frowned. “You want me to lick my rainbow secretion from your ears?”
I shrugged. “Why not? Scared?”
He narrowed his eyes. “Never.”
“Happy place,” Tiggy muttered. “Going to my happy place.”
“Here we go,” I said, leaning forward, trying to force myself to pucker up but my mouth not really getting the message.
“Here comes the muffin,” Gary singsonged, and was I really going to do this?
Yes. Yes, I was, because making out with Gary was going to prove that Lady Tina was evil.
Or something.
I didn’t really remember how we’d gotten to this point. Which, to be honest, happened quite often.
Gary flicked his meaty tongue at me, and I was going to let that in my mouth and— “What the hell is going on in here?”
“Eep,” Gary and I said at the same time as we jumped away from each other.
Standing in the ruined doorway of the barn were Kevin and Ryan. Kevin, of course, was staring at us with naked interest, glancing between the two of us as if he knew exactly what had been about to happen.
“Heeeeeyyy,” I said, waving awkwardly at the both of them. “Have I ever told you that your timing is the best thing about you?”
“What are you—mmph.”
“Ignore him,” Kevin said, the tip of one of his claws pressed against Ryan’s mouth. “Pretend we aren’t even here. Just… continue the conversation you were having. And if you can’t pretend we aren’t here, Sam, then how well do you do with taking direction? Because I want you to put your fingers up Gary’s—ow. You bit me!”