“What would something like that be?” I ask.
“Mr. Cole,” he begins. “Typically, I’m pretty big on family and keeping them together. I have a wife and three kids, so that’s where my head usually is. But, Tori’s trigger is your son. For a reason neither of us can fully comprehend, motherhood has been detrimental to her mental health. Technically, one could argue that the loss of her mother and sister should have nothing to do with you or your son, but Tori is channeling parts of her mother, while also focusing on the death of her sister, which she takes full blame for. At least that’s the conclusion we have currently come to.”
I recoil a bit, taking in everything he’s saying. “What are you saying?” He’s telling me the same thing she said to me last night. Not that this very same thought hasn’t entered my mind a few times this past year, but I’ve tried my hardest to stand by her side through the many thin parts of our marriage.
“Like I said, this is not a normal situation, AJ, and we’re talking about the health and safety of your wife.”
“Can I talk to her about this?” I ask. Not that she didn’t make it all clear last night, but I need to hear it when she’s calm and not speaking through raging emotions.
“Sure,” he says. “I just wanted to have this conversation first so things weren’t shocking if you hear it from her.”
“This isn’t a surprise,” I assure him. “They said she was in confinement? I didn’t realize that was something you did here.”
He nods, while standing up with a file of papers. “Yes, she was not compliant this morning and still searching for a method to take her own life. It was for her own safety.”
“Is it safe to speak with her? I mean, for her sake?”
“You’ll be supervised in a safe room. You can follow me.”
I feel like my mind should have caught up to this reality by now, but I’m still having a real hard time wrapping my head around it.
Following the doctor down several hallways, we turn in to a large a room with mirrors and a table with two chairs. This feels like some kind of sick joke.
He opens his arm, motioning me to walk in. “Tori will be in momentarily. You can have a seat, facing away from the mirror.”
The door closes behind me and I immediately feel confined, smothered, and imprisoned. I have no idea who or how many people are watching me on the other side of this mirror and I’m terrified of saying the wrong thing.
A few minutes pass and the door opens. Tori is escorted in by a nurse and seated in front of me as if she were a prisoner too. “If you need anything, raise your hand, and we will be in to assist you.” Reality sets in as I realize how things have progressed overnight. It’s out of my realm of comprehension.
Tori looks nearly unfamiliar without her makeup, and her hair is a mess. The whites of her eyes are a light pink and her cheeks match in color. When she places her hands down on the table, they’re shaking, and she’s having a hard time looking at me. “I’m your husband,” I tell her. “You can look at me, Tori.” I bow my head trying to catch her attention. She must be filled with drugs right now because all of her movements are sluggish and delayed.
“I told them everything,” she says.
“That’s really good,” I reply, speaking to her as if she were a child.
“I need to go away,” she says.
This was the part that wasn’t supposed to come as a shock to me. Yet, it still feels unreal.
“Go where?”
“I’m going to Idaho to find my dad.”
“Your dad? Will you come back?”
“I need answers from him. And…no,” she says quickly, flatly, without looking at me.
“What about Gavin?” I realize even saying his name could be a red flag in this room right now, but it’s tearing my heart in half knowing that my son might grow up without a mother. I single handedly tried to pick up Hunter’s pieces right after he went through Ellie’s death. I wouldn’t wish that on my worst enemy, and now, here I am. I can’t understand this.
Her hands clamp together, and her knuckles turn white. “I can’t right now.” With an elongated exhale, she unfolds her hand and drops a tiny yellow envelope onto the table and pushes it toward me.
“And us?” I ask, opening the envelope, finding her engagement ring and wedding band inside.
“I can’t handle that, either,” she says hastily.
I feel my head nodding, but I’m also completely lacking cohesive thoughts. Is she asking for a divorce? A break? A pause? What the fuck am I supposed to do with that? “Am I going to see you again, Tori?”
The door to the room opens and a nurse walks in. “I think that’s going to be enough for today.”