After a few more quiet minutes, I see the exhaustion growing across Ever’s face. “You should probably get some sleep,” I tell her.
She walks up to me, and I’m unsure about the look on her face but the question is answered as she wraps her arms around my neck. “I know this day has sucked balls for you guys, but it’s been the best day of my life.” She releases her arms and leaves me winded as she closes herself into the bedroom. I feel like I’ve been punched in the chest or revived from a state of shock. Hearing those words instantly makes me realize I don’t think I will ever hear anything better for the rest of my life. I’ve dreamt of hearing my daughter say that—the dreams I’ve had of a faceless little girl who doesn’t know me but tells me she misses me. Today seems too far away from reality to have happened, but it did.
Cammy plops down onto the couch and kicks her heels off before pulling her knees into her chest. “What am I going to do?”
I sit down beside her and place my hand on her knee. “Whatever your heart is telling you to do.”
She tilts her head to look at me. “My heart is speechless for the first time in a long time.”
“Yeah, I hear ya there.”
“What happened with Tori?” she presses.
Now I’m the one leaning back into the couch. “I don’t know where to begin, Cam. Let’s just say she’s in the midst of admitting herself to the psych ward of the hospital. Again.”
“What?” she snaps upright. “Because of lunch?”
I laugh cynically. “No, that was just the tip of the iceberg.”
“Well, where’s your son—Gavin?”
“With Hunter for the night. I—ah—needed to find you after the way things ended this afternoon.”
“Why aren’t you with Tori right now?” She doesn’t look at me when she asks this question.
I press my fingers into my temples and close my eyes. Without searching too hard for the perfect answer, the words, “I’ve been slowly falling out of love with a woman I’m not sure I was ever truly in love with,” come flying out of my mouth. “I used to care too much; now I’m having trouble caring at all. She’s been emotionally detached and distant for months. Over time, I’ve been broken down and stripped of my emotions when it comes to her.”
It’s the first time I’ve admitted that out loud, and even to myself.
“Surely, you still care about her, though?” Cammy presses.
“I care,” I tell her. “I cared enough to call an ambulance when I thought she was going to end her life again tonight. But, I need a break. I know it sounds terrible and monstrous, but Cam, there’s only so much I can take. I’ve been the only care provider since Gavin was born, and I mean that affectionately and tangibly. I’ve tried to keep Tori mentally stable, while also making sure Gavin grows up happy, and unaware of her demons. After everything that happened with her today, though, I’ve had enough.”
She shakes her head unsurely. “Was she like that when you met her?”
“No. She didn’t want kids. Gavin happened, and I wasn’t about to give him up, no matter how strongly her aversion to kids was. I forced him on her—and a switch flipped the moment he was born.”
Cammy turns her entire body toward me. “It was like that when Casper found out about Ever,” she says with understanding and a bit of comradery. “But…that’s different. She isn’t his. How can a mother feel that way about her own son?”
“I’m not sure.” It kills me to watch it. I can’t comprehend it. He’s a product of her and me, and I feel that every time I look at his little face.
“What are you going to do?” she asks.
I twist my head to the side, looking at her out of the corner of my eye. “I actually don’t know. I’m not happy. That’s all I do know.”
“You deserve to be happy,” she says quietly.
“And right this second…” I turn completely toward her, needing her to understand the importance of what I’m trying to say. “I’m as happy as I can be, despite the shit I’ve seen and heard today.”
Inappropriate thoughts seep through the bruised cracks of my mind, thoughts that don’t have a place in my screwed up life at the moment.
“Me too,” she mutters. “Wait. I have an idea.”
Yeah, I do too…
Cammy stands up from the couch and kneels down in front of the mini-fridge. I watch her every move as her pants pull away from her back, revealing the slightest view of a black laced thong. I need to bite down on my knuckles as she pulls open the fridge door and takes out two bottles of Coke and four assorted nips of hard liquor.
She places them down on the coffee table in front of me and runs into the bathroom, returning with two glasses. “We’ve never had a drink together,” I tell her, laughing a little.
“‘I can’t chance losing my scholarship for a stupid high school party’,” she mocks her seventeen-year-old self. “I know now that I should have lived it up a little. Just a little.”