“I don’t know,” Tori cries. “I don’t know, AJ. You’re making this worse. You’ve been making this worse. I’m not good for you and you’re not good for me. I was never meant to be a mother, I’m sorry.”
I push myself away from the table…distraught, angered, and outraged even. After putting all of my effort into this failing marriage for two fucking years now, she has a nervous breakdown or whatever the clinical term for this is, calls it quits on me, hands her rings back, and then “that’s enough for today”. Well, great. I guess I have no other choice but to be done too. “How long is she going to be here for?” I ask the nurse.
“We aren’t sure. She has asked to be transferred to a rehab facility in Idaho. We will consult with you before any final decisions are made.”
“Perfect, thanks,” I snap.
I inhale deeply through my nose and gently tuck the chair back in before leaving the room.
I’ve always managed to keep myself and my life under some kind of control and yet, things around me are always spinning in circles, trapping me in the very center. I’ve had it. If she wants me to move on without her, fine, but I’ll make damn sure I give Gavin the life he deserves. If we’re the ones who are destroying her, she can go on and pretend like neither of us ever happened.
By the time I get back into my truck, a million fucking realizations hit me at once. How the hell am I going to explain this to everyone, especially to our son? She just left me to pick up all of her pieces. It’s like she always knew in the back of her mind that this was an option. I was just too damn ignorant to see it.
CHAPTER EIGHTEEN
I THINK I’VE driven a full circle around this damn state today, just needing to think, but it’s been hours now, and I need to see Gavin. I never leave him for a night, never mind almost an entire day at this point.
Pulling into Hunter’s driveway, I see Olive and Lana standing at the door, jumping up and down with excitement, waving at me to hurry up. I jump out of the truck and jog up to the front door. “What are my favorite nieces so excited about right now?” I ask them.
“Gavin is about to take a step! Hurry up! I’ve been working with him since I got home from school, and I think he’s almost got it.” Olive and Lana have pretty much been big sisters to Gavin since the day he was born. Whenever they’re together, they spend every minute with him, trying to teach him new tricks, as I’m told.
“No kidding?” I exclaim, racing through the house to find him. We’ve been waiting for Gavin to walk for months now, and I was starting to get a little worried considering he’s sixteen months old. I thought all kids were walking by now, but I guess he’s just been taking his sweet old time.
When I get into the family room, I find Gavin holding onto the side of the couch with a big toothy grin. “Da-da!” He bounces his knees with excitement and waves his hand at me.
“Gavin, ready? Let’s show Da-da what we’ve been practicing,” Olive says.
Olive holds up the remote, which is Gavin’s favorite toy—no surprise there since he is my kid—and stands a few feet away from him with her arms out stretched.
Gavin reaches for it and I find myself rooting him on, pleading to experience this first with him right now. I need some good at this moment. I kneel down and wave him forward. “Come on, buddy!”
“You can do it, Gavin!” Lana squeals. Gavin adores the excitement the girls constantly offer him.
A giggle rumbles through his belly and he takes a step, and another, and another, then three more before falling into Olive, knocking her backwards as they both roll over laughing. The sight of Gavin taking those first steps both bends and breaks my heart at the same time. “Call Aunt Tori!” Olive shouts. “She’ll want to see this.”
Olive’s words unintentionally act as the final straw in my day, and I fall backwards, trying my hardest to keep my shit together, but suddenly, I have no control over keeping myself intact. I’m falling apart.
My breathing feels labored, yet weak at the same time. I hear Olive calling my name; although, my name sounds like she’s calling it from a mile away. Tears fill my eyes and spill out over my cheeks, blurring my vision…I’m fucking lost. I didn’t want a kid for two reasons—one was the fear of losing him or her again, and the second was because of what I watched Hunter and Olive go through for the first few years of Olive’s life after Ellie died. I refused to ever put myself in a situation that could turn out like theirs; yet, it seems I did.
Here I am…one fear is invalid, the other true and real. Olive runs past me, struggling with Gavin in her arms, and it feels like only seconds before I feel hands on my shoulders. They pull me up and dump me on the couch, or I collapse into the couch—not sure which happened first.