It seemed just like her. She was trying to exact her revenge. And I’d fallen right into the palm of her hand. She couldn’t have planned this any better had she tried.
“That motherfucking bitch,” I yelled without thinking. “I’m going to kick her fucking ass, oh my gods, I don’t care if she’s a minor or a girl, she’s dead. You hear me! Dead.”
Which, of course, echoed across the plaza that had fallen deathly silent now that she had their attention. Bitch, bitch, bitch, echoed up one side of the plaza. Dead, dead, dead, came down the other.
My most mortal of enemies smiled the long, slow smile of the victorious. Seventeen years old and she was already so inherently evil that any other evil parties in her vicinity paled by comparison. It didn’t help that she had the countenance of an angel. That did a lot to hide the fact that her soul was the rotting, bloated carcass of a fish lying out in the sun for six days.
Gods, how I hated her.
And I really hated the fact that I apparently had just yelled at her in front of at least a hundred people. Not the best idea I’d ever had. Which probably described most of my ideas.
“And that, ladies and gentlemen,” Lady Tina DeSilva said, staring straight at me, “is indicative of the true nature of Sam of Wilds.”
“That wasn’t very nice at all!” someone in the audience cried.
Many others murmured their consent, shooting me looks of such disappointment that I almost felt guilty about it. Guilty about saying something to Lady Tina, of all people.
“No,” Lady Tina said. “It wasn’t. But that’s Sam of Wilds for you in exactly five words: not very nice at all. Perfect, don’t you think?”
The crowd agreed quite vocally.
“Oh my gods,” Gary whispered. “She’s like an evil queen. I want to be her when I grow up and use my powers of persuasion for nefarious purposes.”
“You know,” Mom said, “if I didn’t know any better, I would think this is them pulling each other’s pigtails.”
“Except our son is gay,” Dad said.
“And Lady Tina is an asshole,” Mom said so fiercely that I couldn’t help but love her just a little bit more.
“You are here,” Lady Tina said, snarling into her megaphone, “because you are tired of seeing Sam of Wilds walk all over the good people of Verania. You are tired of hearing about his exploits where he puts our knights in danger or gets members of the royal family taken. You are tired of villains of every shape, size, and color coming to our city just because they have a bone to pick with Sam of Wilds. How many times has your day-to-day life been ruined because Sam picked a fight with the wrong people? How many times are we supposed to bend over and take it, just because Sam of Wilds has somehow fooled your King into believing he is an actual human being instead of the excrement left behind by a pack of sick dogs? How many times are we forced to listen to how perfect Sam is, how wonderful Sam is, how godsdamned special Sam is, just because he enchanted the King’s Wizard with his slippery ways?”
“She’s purpling her prose all over me,” Gary breathed. “She is a master and I am but a pawn in her love game.”
“I do not get slippery with Morgan,” I said, quite loudly. “And I am an actual human being. Oh my gods, why are you even listening to her? Pete! Do something!”
Pete winced as one of the Castle Guards came over and whispered in his ear. “Sorry, Sam,” he said after patting the knight on the shoulder. “Looks like she applied for all the proper permits. She has the right to protest, as long as it remains peaceful.”
“But she’s protesting me.”
“And she’s allowed,” Pete said, sounding apologetic.
“Okay,” I said. “Fine.” I turned toward the King. “Your Majesty, I never ask you for anything.”
“You really don’t,” the King said, sounding amused. “It’s one of the most annoying things about you.”
“Good,” I said. “I’m glad we agree. And we’ll come back to the part where you called me annoying at a later date, don’t think we won’t. I need a favor.”
“Anything within reason,” the King said.
“I need you to behead a teenage girl for me.”
“Hmm. The reason?”
“I hate her.”
“Would it be the same teenage girl that’s saying disparaging things about you currently?”
“Coincidentally? Yes.”
“Sorry, Sam,” the King said, and I couldn’t be too mad at him because he did sound honestly regretful that he couldn’t agree to behead a teenage girl. “I’m going to have to deny your request. But feel free to ask me for anything else.”
“I want to hang the painting I did of you in the throne room.”
“The one where I have three breasts and am a monster destroying Meridian City?”
“Yes.”
The King turned to Pete. “Has she done anything we can behead her for? Did she maybe sign the permit request on the wrong line? File it too late? Anything?”
Pete shook his head. “Also, public executions are illegal.”
“Fine,” the King said to me. “We can hang the painting in the throne room.”
It made me feel a little bit better that everyone would be able to appreciate my art.
But Tina was still going. “And since when do we allow people from the slums to hold such high office as the apprentice to the King’s Wizard? No matter what they want you to believe, no matter what they try and tell you, make no mistake. Sam of Wilds looks like he’s from the slums, but how can we be sure of that? Is it too much to ask that he show us his birth certificate so that everyone can see who he truly is? Especially since he does have the King’s ear.”
“Godsdamned birthers,” I muttered.
“We love you, Lady Tina!” a woman screamed in the audience. Some others began to cheer, and Lady Tina closed her eyes, as if she was letting the applause wash over her. I thought it would be the perfect moment for a meteor to fall from the sky and squash her flat. Alas, none fell, and I was disappointed that the gods didn’t see fit to smite her where she stood.
“And I love you,” Lady Tina breathed into the megaphone. “So, so much. For having the courage to stand here today, in the face of what appears to be overwhelming odds. To show that no, Sam of Wilds is not universally beloved, as he would have you believe. No, we won’t go quietly into the night, letting him walk all over us with his horrible fashion sense, his strange-looking teeth, his obvious lack of any culture whatsoever. Do we even need to discuss the fact that he came in with his stupid face and destroyed the most wonderful thing in the world known as Rystin? No one likes HaveHeart, you sanctimonious piece of filth. It’s against nature and disgusting and I hate you so much for it.”
The audience didn’t cheer much at that. In fact, most of them looked confused.
Lady Tina coughed. “I mean, he’s costing the great people of Verania their sense of security?”
The crowd clapped slowly. “Yaaaaay?” someone asked.