Ryan sighed but did as I asked.
“Do you ever get the feeling like we know too much about our son?” Mom asked Dad.
“All the time,” Dad replied. “We should also consider the oil wrestling for ourselves. You know. For reasons.”
“Perhaps now is not the time for this discussion?” Morgan said, looking like he was about as done with today as I was. “Surely we can talk about getting oiled up back at the castle.”
“Gross,” I said, buttoning up my trousers. “I don’t want to ever think about you oiled up.”
“I really wish you’d stop saying oiled up,” Randall said. “Why, back in my day, we wouldn’t even need—”
“Nope,” I said. “Nope, nope, nope. Not even gonna listen to that. Ryan! Babe! Stop glaring at Ruv and abscond with me to the castle so I can forget about all of this.” Which, frankly, I knew was going to be impossible.
“There will be no absconding until we have a discussion,” Morgan said. “This isn’t something you can just ignore, Sam.”
I snorted, feeling irrationally angry. “Oh, I’m well aware of that. Especially when the star dragon mentioned you specifically by name.”
Both Randall and Morgan startled at that. “Come again?” Randall asked.
“The star dragon,” I repeated slowly, as if they were both daft, “told Vadoma. To find you. And she did. And then you found me. And now, apparently, I’m supposed to gather the five dragons of Verania to take on some gigantic douchebag. Oh, Kevin, by the way. Good job. You’re one of the five the star dragon mentioned. Don’t let that go to your head.” Which, honestly, I knew was already too late even as the words left my mouth.
“Me?” Kevin said, rearing up and sitting on his back legs. “The star dragon talked about me? A dragon made of stars came down from the heavens and started spouting prophecies about me?”
Gods, I really needed to learn to keep my mouth shut. “It’s not just about you—”
“Why, this is so unexpected,” he continued, ignoring me completely. “I mean, I always assumed I was destined for greatness, given that people make religions out of me and leave me human sacrifices that I won’t eat because I respect all nature like a good dragon should. Aside from sheep, of course, because fuck those guys. Seriously. Floofy little cotton rats. That’s all they are. I don’t know why you humans insist on gathering them in flocks as you do, especially since it’s so much more fun to chase after them and hear them scream.”
“This is all your fault, you know,” Gary said to me.
“I know,” I muttered. “Also, shut up.”
“But a star dragon came down from the night sky and said that I, Kevin, the fearsome Beast from the East would be the one to unite Verania under a banner of my epicness. It truly falls on my broad and muscular shoulders to save the kingdom and those I love from the clutches of tyranny.”
“How much longer is this going to go on?” Ruv asked.
“Three hours,” Tiggy said. “No. Wait. Seven days.”
“If we’re lucky,” the King said.
“I was kidnapped by him for weeks,” Justin said. “We’re not that lucky.”
“And after I have vanquished the evil back to the darkness from whence it came, there will be parades in my honor. People will come out and cheer for me. They’ll say, ‘Oh my gods, it’s Kevin! He’s so handsome and vascular, and I bet his penis is at least two feet long.’ And then there will be so much pie…”
“Couldn’t have kept that one to yourself for a little bit longer?” Ryan asked me.
“You know how my filter works.”
“By that you mean not at all.”
“You know me so well.”
“…there will be songs sung in my honor, songs with verses extolling all my virtues.” And since everything about my life was ridiculous, he actually started singing. “Kevin is the greatest thing! He deserves a gold ring! We should crown him and make him king! Let’s listen to him siiiiiiiing.”
“You are all dili,” a voice snapped suddenly. “Crazy.”
We turned toward it.
Vadoma stood, eyes ablaze, hands curled into fists at her sides. There was an unmistakable aura of power emanating off her—not quite magic, but close. The air felt thick, and if she had been a Dark wizard, I would have assumed she was about to attack.
“Mark my words,” she said, eyes on me. “You will sing brigaki djilia by the time this is over. The songs of sorrow. The mulo will come for you, Sam of Wilds. The spirits of the dead will haunt you when this is said and done. You will live only to die alone with just the memories of your failings to usher you through the veil.”
“Yeah,” Kevin said. “You seem like you’d be fun at parties.”
“I like parties,” Tiggy said.
“Vadoma,” Morgan said. “I have given you leeway in this. I have bitten my tongue as you’ve done nothing but waggle yours. No longer. I frankly must insist that you back off before there are complications.”
“There will be no backing off,” she scoffed. “You are a wizard, but you are still a man. The stars have spoken for the gods, and Sam must answer to them. You can’t hide him away any longer, Morgan. He is no longer a child. He’s not yours.”
“And he’s not yours either,” Mom snapped, taking a step forward. “After all this time, daj, you have no right to come here and make demands of him. We raised him. Myself. Joshua. Gary. Tiggy. And Morgan, who has done more for him than anyone else. You know nothing about him.”
“I know his fears,” Vadoma said. “I know his hopes. I have seen into the heart of him. I also know the lies he’s been told. The secrets kept from him.”
“I think it’s time for you to take a step back,” the King said. “Regardless of what your beliefs are, regardless of who you are and are not related to here, surely you can agree that I am still your King. And as your King, I am ordering you to shut your mouth.”
“That might have given me an erection,” Gary said to Tiggy.
“Power kink,” Tiggy said.
“Like you wouldn’t even believe,” Gary agreed.
I expected Vadoma to defy even the King, but she didn’t. I didn’t think it mattered. The damage had already been done. It probably didn’t help that I had to choke back my magic as best I could, because I wanted to launch it at her, wanted to call upon the earth to wrap her in stone, call upon the skies to rain lightning down upon her. Something, anything to get rid of that look on Ryan’s face.
“Is that true?” Ryan asked quietly.
“I don’t know,” I admitted. “I’m learning that there’s a lot I haven’t been told.”
“Oooh, someone’s in trouble,” Gary whispered.
“Is it me?” Tiggy asked. “I in trouble?”
“No, kitten. It’s not you. You’re too wonderful and could never do anything wrong and everyone loves you.”
“Tiggy smash?”
“Possibly. I’ll have to get back to you on that.”