“Maybe I should go out there and protest,” Justin said. “She was pretty much right about most of that.”
“Best friends don’t protest against each other,” I reminded him. “It’s against the bro-code.”
“Bro-code,” Justin said, like the very words made him ill.
“And that is another thing!” Lady Tina cried. “Just look at them. A unicorn and a dragon. Why, that goes against the very face of the gods! Everyone knows that interspecies relationships are wrong. And they just sit there, forcing us to watch it, like we want to even see something like that. If there’s one thing that I know, it’s that when I’m staring at someone to judge them, they should not be allowed to shove their filth down my throat!”
“Wow,” Gary said. “She’s a few cookies short of a bake sale.”
“Our love is not wrong,” Kevin said. “Everyone knows that there is magic in what we have. Why, our romance will be sung about for ages. The Beast from the East and his one true semimonogamous love, the beautiful unicorn.”
“Hmm,” Gary said. “I can’t help but notice that you gave yourself top billing there.”
“Well, yes,” Kevin said. “I don’t know if you heard, but a star dragon said that I’m one of the, if not the most important, parts of a millennia-old prophecy.”
“Riiiiight,” Gary said. “But I still don’t think that makes your name before mine.”
“Dear,” Kevin said, a little curl of smoke coming out of his right nostril. “You’re embarrassing me in front of all these people. Maybe we can discuss this later?”
“Oh, really?” Gary said, eyes narrowing. “I’m sorry I’m such an embarrassment to you.”
“Um, guys?” I said. “Maybe now is not the—”
“Fine,” Kevin said, rolling his eyes. “If it’s that big of a deal to you, then you can be first.”
“Oh no,” Gary said mockingly. “I wouldn’t even dream of wanting to take something away from you that is so important and that you obviously deserve. You know. Because of all your accomplishments. After all, I’m not the one that speaks for disabled magical creatures everywhere.”
“How are you disabled?” Kevin asked.
“I don’t have my horn!” Gary shouted at him.
“I don’t think you speak for anyone but yourself,” I said, only to have him glare at me. “Right, mouth shut. I am so not involved.”
“Can’t you see?” Kevin said, clutching a clawed hand to his chest. “You’re letting them tear us apart!”
“No,” Gary said, voice breaking, eyes glittering with tears. “You’re doing that well enough just on your own.”
“Gary sad?” Tiggy said, breath hitching in his chest.
“Oh no,” I whispered.
“I am so sad!” Gary wailed. “My dragon lover thinks his name should be first!”
“I sad too!” Tiggy yelled, gathering Gary up in his arms and rocking him back and forth. “Sam! Be sad with us!”
“Godsdammit,” I muttered, taking a step toward them.
“What are you doing?” Ryan asked, grabbing me by the arm. “We have to deal with this.”
“Bro-code,” I said. “Bros before hoes. Sorry, babe.”
“I am not a ho.”
I patted him on the hand. Poor guy. Denial was a terrible thing.
Before I could get to Tiggy and Gary to hug it out, Kevin stopped me, leaning down until his large head was eye level with me. “I hope you know that I’ll still be there for you, champ,” he said gruffly. “Even if your mother and me are no longer together. Weekends, okay? And I don’t want you to worry if I get a new… friend. You’ll always be my number-one brave little sexy guy, okay?”
“Still not used to that at all,” I said.
“None of us are,” he said, tongue slithering out and brushing on my fingers.
“Oh, gross,” I muttered.
“Sam!” Gary cried. “Get over here and love me!”
“Sam!” Tiggy yelled. “We need love!”
And really, what else could I have done in the face of that? Nothing, I tell you.
I went. And just as soon as I got within grabbing distance, Tiggy’s large hand wrapped around my arm and jerked me into his chest, holding me tight. Gary was crying prettily against him, these precious little sniffs coming out his nose in periwinkle sparks that did little to Tiggy’s thick overshirt. “Sam,” Gary said wetly. “Is this what heartbreak feels like? Like I’ve left on nipple clamps for so long that I’m numb to everything only to have them taken off and slapped, sending pain shooting through my body like lava burning my insides?”
“That’s actually surprisingly accurate,” I said, reaching out to run my fingers through his mane.
“See what you’ve done?” Kevin yelled at the crowd. “Your hatred just tore the love of my life from my arms. How dare you, ladies and gentlemen. How dare you.”
The crowd murmured amongst themselves, taking a step back.
“What is happening?” Vadoma asked. “What is all this?”
“Par for the course,” Randall said. “This is actually quite tame for them. Unfortunately.”
“Nothing has been lit on fire yet,” Morgan said. “So I count this one as a win.”
“Pretty Gary,” Tiggy murmured. “There, there. There, there.”
“That bastard,” Gary said. “How could he end this on something as trivial as not giving me top billing when I obviously deserve it? I want to murder him and leave his bones out in the sun to dry—you know what, time out.” His eyes dried immediately, and he lifted his head from Tiggy’s chest. “Can we all agree to not talk shit about my ex? Especially since he’s part of Sam’s destiny. It’ll just make things awkward in the long run.”
“Agreed,” Tiggy said.
“I also agree,” I said. “I’d like to add an addendum. Can we never refer to me having a destiny ever again? Because that’s really lame and I hate it.”
“Struck down,” Gary said. “Because you do.”
“Strike it, motherfuckers,” Tiggy said.
“Godsdammit,” I said.
“Good,” Gary said. “So we’re in agreement. Rule number one thousand, two hundred, and twenty-seven of the Sam/Gary/Tiggy friendship has been ratified. No talking shit about Kevin because of Sam’s magical super destiny. Except for me, a little, because I’ve been the one spurned.”
“Aye,” Tiggy and I said, while I also added, “You bitch,” because of the principle of the matter.
“Good,” Gary said. “Okay, time in.” Tears burst from his eyes so bright and shiny that they almost looked like diamonds. “I am going to be alone forever,” he wailed into Tiggy’s chest.
“I never leave you,” Tiggy promised.