“I thought everyone loved Sam,” Kevin said. “Isn’t it supposed to be one of the biggest complaints about him? That he can charm even the blackest hearts until they are tripping all over him?”
“Yes,” Gary said. “That and the fact that he never shuts up, is immature, and makes everything a joke that usually revolves around sex. Okay, I just realized that describes me, and since I’m amazing, Sam must be too. Sam. Yoo-hoo! Sam.”
“What, Gary,” I said through gritted teeth.
“You’re amazing.”
“Thank you, Gary.”
“You’re welcome. Gosh, I feel good. Don’t you all feel good and in love with Sam again?”
“Hey, hey, ha, ha! Let’s go punch Sam in the jaw!”
“Oh,” Gary said. “That was unfortunate timing.”
“Hey, hey, he, he! Shoot an arrow into his knee!”
“They’re so violent,” Gary said. “Gives me the tingles in my nether regions.”
“Hey, hey, hu, hu! Let’s go kick him in the tooth!”
“That didn’t even rhyme,” Gary said. “But at least they’ve run out of vowels now.”
“Hey, hey, har, har, put his heart into a jar!”
“Apparently they don’t need just vowels,” Gary said.
Ryan came back, clutching a piece of parchment, brow furrowed in that way he sometimes got when he wanted to kill something or someone but couldn’t find the thing or person he wanted to kill. I called it his murder eyebrows. I thought it was adorable. He didn’t think it was funny that I equated his eyebrows with death.
(But it was.)
“I’ll find you something or someone to kill,” I said, because I loved him so. “Like a deer or an assassin. I know you need to feel the sweet release of stabbing something with your sword.”
He scowled at me. “Stuff like that is probably the reason these people are afraid of you.”
“Afraid of him?” Gary said, shocked. “Who in their right mind would be afraid of a skinny little twink like him? He weighs like four pounds.”
“Hey!” I barked. “I’m not a twink! And I’ve been working out! I have abs. Okay, maybe just one.”
We all stared at my bare stomach. Not much going on there.
“Fine,” I said with a scowl. “But I’m not a twink.”
Gary rolled his eyes. “Yeah, okay. Sure you’re not.”
“Little twinky Sam,” Tiggy said. “Mens in your yard because of milkshakes.”
“I don’t even want to know what that means,” Ryan said. “Like most of the things you guys talk about. But you should probably take a look at this.”
He handed the parchment over to me, and I felt everyone else crowd around me, trying to read over my shoulder. I was annoyed for a second, but it fell away as soon as I saw the words printed on the page in large, blocky letters.
ATTENTION! ATTENTION! ATTENTION!
SAM OF WILDS IS THE SCOURGE OF VERANIA!
FOR TOO LONG, HE HAS BEEN GIVEN FREE REIN!
HE HAS ACTED WITHOUT REGARD TO HIS FELLOW VERANIANS!
AREN’T YOU TIRED OF PAYING FOR SAM’S MISTAKES?
THE CRIMES OF SAM OF WILDS:
—GOT THE PRINCE KIDNAPPED
—CAUSED UNTOLD AMOUNT OF DAMAGE TO THRONE ROOM
—HAS BEADY LITTLE EYES THAT ARE CONNIVING
—A HOME-WRECKER WHO DESTROYS HAPPY AND LOVING RELATIONSHIPS
—PROBABLY CURSES PEOPLE TO DO HIS BIDDING
—HAS DONE OTHER THINGS THAT ARE ILLEGAL
—IS FRIENDS WITH A UNICORN IN AN INTERSPECIES RELATIONSHIP WITH A DRAGON
—WHICH IS GROSS
—SUBJECTS THE MAGNIFICENT PRINCE JUSTIN TO HIS STUPIDITY
SAM OF WILDS CAME FROM THE SLUMS!
HE WAS NOT QUALIFIED TO BE THE KING’S WIZARD!
WAS HE EVEN BORN IN VERANIA?
SHOW US HIS BIRTH CERTIFICATE!
WE THE PEOPLE DEMAND IT!
IF YOU HATE SAM OF WILDS AS MUCH AS WE DO, THEN IT’S TIME TO FIGHT BACK!
PICK UP YOUR SIGNS!
TELL THE CROWN WE WON’T STAND FOR SAM OF WILDS!
THE PEOPLE OF VERANIA SAY NO!
JOIN US AND HELP US RID VERANIA OF THIS SCUM!
PAID FOR BY THE WHSAL FOR A SAM-FREE VERANIA
“What?” I yelped. “None of this is even remotely true!”
“To be fair,” Justin said, “You do subject me to your stupidity, you did get me kidnapped, broke up my sort-of-real relationship, and I am magnificent.”
“Gross?” Gary said, outraged. “Gross? I’ll have you know that my love for Kevin is a beautiful thing! Sure, some of the things we do can be classified as gross, but that’s between me and my future baby daddy!”
“Consent truly is important if you plan on being in a BDSM-style relationship,” Kevin agreed. “And our children will be glorious. Much better than our practice child, Sam, who I think we can all agree is an unmitigated failure.”
“And the Darks did come after you in the throne room,” Randall said.
“And you did ask me when you were twelve if there was a way to curse that boy from the kitchen so he could bring you more cookies,” Morgan said.
“Your eyes are tiny,” Tiggy said. “Tiny Eyes. Capitalized. It true now.”
“And I suppose you are from the slums,” Mom said.
“Which might have made people trying to be the apprentice to Morgan of Shadows slightly angry,” Dad agreed. “Given that you were plucked from obscurity and handed this job that they all wanted and had been working for all their lives and that you did nothing for.”
“And you do illegal things all the time,” Ryan said. “Even though I tell you not to. Because they’re illegal.”
I glared at all of them.
“And this is your family,” Vadoma said. “Saying such things. For shame. You come home with Vadoma. I show you what it means to have a family.”
“Okay, first things first,” I said. “Fuck all of you. Second, Vadoma, I swear to the gods, if you are behind any of this, you’re going to see a side of me you haven’t seen before.”
She grinned. It wasn’t a very nice-looking thing. “I didn’t do this. This is something you did all on your own.”
Yeah, she could fall off a cliff and I’d be okay with it. Especially if at the bottom of said cliff, there was a bunch of hungry kelpies who would stomp her face until it was a bloody mess.
“What the hell is the WHSAL?” I muttered irritably.
“You don’t want to know,” Ryan said. “You really, really don’t want to know.”
And before I could find a way to respond to that, the chanting behind us stopped. I turned back around, thinking maybe this was over. I had other things to worry about. I didn’t have time for stupid people.
But it wasn’t over. Because of course it wasn’t.
The crowd had quieted because they were focused on a single individual.
A girl who now stood up on a wooden box in front of everyone, a bright purple megaphone in her hands. She wore an expensive white dress with little blue ribbons at the waist and on her shoulders. Her hair fell in flawless blonde ringlets. Her makeup was expertly applied. Her eyes were wide and bright. She made the perfect picture of innocence. A beautiful girl on a bright sunny morning, shimmery in her pretty dress and her bubble-gum pink lipstick and nail polish.
And I knew she was behind all of this.