Only he knew better.
Every time he closed his eyes he saw the way she’d looked at him when he’d been inside her. She hadn’t wanted to surrender. She’d fought him tooth and nail and body and soul. But neither of them could deny the magic or stop the inevitable.
How could something that felt so right be so wrong? How the hell was he going to handle this? How was he going to handle having a son when the mother of his child didn’t want him in their lives?
“If brooding were dangerous, we’d both be in dire straits right now.”
He hadn’t realized Kelly had wakened and for a moment he felt embarrassed that she’d caught him embroiled in such intimate thoughts. Shifting slightly, he turned to her, felt something inside him soften at the sight of her. “You sneaked up on me,” he said.
“You were a hundred miles away.”
“Actually, I was right here.”
“Ah, you like to keep your troubles close.”
Reaching out, he tucked a strand of hair behind her ear. “Very close.” He smiled. “Safer that way.”
A smile touched her mouth. She was so pretty when she smiled. He wondered when she’d stopped doing it. Wondered if maybe it had something to do with him.
“You used to smile all the time,” he said.
“You used to make me laugh.”
He suddenly had the crazy notion to lean forward and kiss her. The memory of their lovemaking floated through his mind. The feel of her beneath him. The sensation of wet heat wrapped around him. Arousal stirred hotly in his groin, making his sex heavy and uncomfortable.
As if realizing his thoughts, she sat up, holding the sleeping bag to her breast. “I need to check on Eddie.”
“I checked on him a few minutes ago.” He didn’t mention he’d spent twenty minutes inside the tent, watching his little boy sleep, and thinking about a future that could never be. “He’s wiped out,” he said.
“I guess he should be.” She glanced down at her watch. “Most little boys are wiped out at 3:00 a.m.”
“I guess it’s just us troubled adults who are left sleepless.”
“I guess so.”
He propped himself up on an elbow and met her gaze. “I’m not sure how we’re going to work this out, Kel.”
She stared back at him, solemn and sweet and so beautiful he wanted to gather her into his arms and make all the problems standing between them go away forever. If only life were that simple, he thought.
“Maybe we’re not,” she said.
“I’ll do what you want,” he said, shocked when his voice faltered. “If you think it’s best that I walk away…from you. From Eddie…” Not trusting his voice, he took a deep breath. “I’ll do it. I’ll walk away.”
“I don’t want Eddie hurt. I don’t want his life in turmoil.”
“It doesn’t have to be that way.”
“We’ve tried this once before,” she said. “I gave it my best shot. You did, too, Buzz. It wasn’t enough.”
He thought about that for a moment, felt the blade of hurt cut him a little more deeply.
“Why does this have to hurt so much?” she asked, her eyes filling.
“For God’s sake, don’t cry,” he said, but the tears spilled over her lashes to glisten on her cheeks like broken diamonds.
“There aren’t any easy answers,” she said.
“No. There aren’t.”
He didn’t expect her to reach for him, but when she did he was ready. His arms wrapped around her. He tasted tears and a hint of desperation when she kissed him. Then she moved tentatively against him. He became aware of soft flesh and secret curves and the sweet promise of her desire. The blood rushed from his head to his groin so quickly he was dizzy. He knew they weren’t going to settle anything tonight. It was almost as if they’d mutually agreed that they would never reconcile their differences. Not when it came to their relationship. Not when it came to the child he’d already come to think of as his son.
He’d thought the first round of lovemaking would have taken off the edge, but it hadn’t. As his blood pumped furiously through his veins and his breaths turned labored, he realized that clench of desperation would never leave him when it came to this woman. Because as surely as he was holding her tightly within his embrace, she was slipping through his arms. It was an unbearable sensation for a man who liked to be in control.
She gasped when he rolled on top of her. Her hair spread out behind her like a blanket of fine satin. The sleeping bag had slipped, exposing the beauty of her breasts. She stared up at him, her nostrils flaring, her mouth glistening with the remnants of their kisses.
“Tell me you want this.” Taking her hands in his, he slid her arms above her head.