She forced a short laugh, but it didn’t break the high-wire tension that had fallen between them. This wasn’t a good time for her to be taking a trip down memory lane.
With the effortless grace of a man in top physical condition, Buzz got quickly to his feet, then offered his hand. “Let’s get back to camp and pack up.”
Kelly accepted his hand and let him pull her to her feet. For the first time she realized her boots were soaking wet. Her feet were cold. Mud clung to her backside, and she had leaves in her hair. “I must look like a crazy person,” she said with a laugh.
“You look like a worried mother,” he said. “Stop being so hard on yourself, okay?”
She glanced at her watch, amazed to see that it was only a few minutes past 6:00 a.m. It seemed as if Eddie had been missing forever.
“We’ll pack up, and cross back over the creek and take that path you found,” Buzz said. “He can’t be too far away.”
A fresh burst of hope leapt through her. “Okay,” she said and they started toward the camp.
Buzz had always prided himself on having a level head. He was a cautious man, not prone to idiotic behavior or lapses in judgment. He was the kind of man who relied on logic to guide him through a world that was as complex as he was basic. The kind of man whose emotions never entered the picture when it came to making important decisions. He could count the number of mistakes he’d made in his lifetime on one hand. It didn’t elude him that most of those mistakes had to do with Kelly.
That his hormones would betray him was the ultimate irony. Sex was the one aspect of his relationship with her that he’d never been able to control. An area where all the good sense and logic he prided himself on possessing didn’t mean squat because once he touched her he didn’t give a damn about any of those things.
He’d come within an inch of kissing her a moment ago. Worse, he didn’t think he would have wanted to stop with just a kiss. He never wanted to stop with just a kiss when it came to Kelly.
He could still feel the heavy pool of blood in his groin. Still feel the softness of her body beneath his. The sweet brush of her breath against his cheek. She’d been terrified and panic-stricken, and the need to calm her was like a living thing inside him. It hurt to see her that way. It hurt even more not being able to do anything about it.
That he was out here in the middle of nowhere looking for his own son gave the situation a cruel twist. How could he be thinking of Kelly in sexual terms given what she’d stolen from him? How could he still want her when she’d made her feelings perfectly clear five years ago? Was he that big a fool?
Buzz still couldn’t quite grasp the fact that he now had a son. An innocent little boy with eyes so like his own he couldn’t bear to look at the photograph. Damn it, he’d never wanted children. The truth of that made him feel like a son of a bitch. But he knew how cruel life could be to an unwanted child.
Russell Malone hadn’t wanted children either, and Buzz had spent his childhood paying for his parents’ mistake. His mother had died during childbirth, and Buzz’s father, overcome with grief and bitterness, had blamed the child he’d never wanted. For sixteen years, young Buzz had paid in every way an abused child could pay. He’d learned when to hide by the time he was six. Learned to duck punches before his tenth birthday. He learned to take those punches by the time his teen years rolled around.
He still couldn’t bring himself to think of those days. Couldn’t think of Russell Malone without getting a knot of hate in his gut.
Yes, Buzz knew first-hand the terrors this world could offer an innocent child. Four years with the Child Abuse Division of the Denver PD had solidified his resolve never to have children. He’d seen things during those years he could barely acknowledge even now. Things that shocked him and shamed him. Things that had given him nightmares for months afterward. He thought of all those things now—the nightmares innocent children faced every single day of their lives—and wondered how a woman he’d once loved could do something so deceitful.
Cursing under his breath, Buzz packed the lantern into its case and shoved it into his backpack. He could hear Kelly behind him, packing her things, but he didn’t look at her. There were too many emotions boiling inside him, and Buzz needed to keep those emotions bottled. He didn’t want them to come out because they were dark and volatile and wouldn’t do either of them any good. Kelly was already on edge. All she needed was a spark and she’d go off like a bomb.
“I’m ready.”