C’mon, Mami, I’m already late.
You want the building to talk about you? You know how that makes me look?
How it makes you look?
Yes. You know how it makes me look.
Oh my fucking God, he said, and walked around the sala like a bull trapped in an arena. The nose flared, the feet hitting the floor. But I couldn’t let him go out like that.
?Co?azo! I said. Listen to me or—
Or what? he yelled. He had never talked to me like that before. His voice got deep and loud, his arms stretched out like this, and he started punching the air. And right there, I saw Ricardo in his face. The same face, the same hands. All the times Ricardo would raise his voice with me and hold me by the neck and lift me in the air.
Look, one day you are big and the baby is small, and then the next day the baby is big, much more big than you, much more strong.
Fernando! I will tell you one more time: you can’t leave the house like that.
And you know what he did? I am holding the iron and I said, Don’t open the door, Fernando. But he opened it. Like I was invisible. Una cualquiera.
So I threw the iron to the door to stop him.
The iron hit the side of his face. Fernando fell to the floor and made a grito so loud. I am sure everyone in the building could hear.
But why did he get in the way?
Of course, I ran to him.
You’re fucking crazy! he yelled.
I laughed with relief. Yes, laughed. I could have killed him but, gracias a Dios, no. He was OK. I saw blood come down the side of his face, but he was moving toward the bathroom.
Ay, Dios mío. Let me look.
Get away from me! he yelled.
I ran to get some napkins with some ice.
Don’t be dramático, I said. It doesn’t look bad.
But he pushed me, stood up, and went to the bathroom.
Tell me you are OK, I asked him from outside the bathroom door, the ice burning my hands.
Leave me alone, he said.
I waited outside the bathroom for a long time. The ice melt and I couldn’t feel my hands. Many times I said, It was an accident. I never want to hurt you, but he said nothing. When he finally came out and walked to his bedroom, I saw the cut on his face—it was bad, but not so bad. I was lucky. He was lucky.
Later, when I thought he was sleeping, I heard the door slam. Prá! The door slammed hard and definite. I thought he left for a few hours. But he never returned.
Why are you looking to me like that? Please don’t look to me like that. I love my son so much. Where’s the water?
GENTRIFIED
RENT-STABILIZED BUILDING, INC.
BILLING INVOICE # 453074
Little Dominican Republic
New York, NY 10032
To: Cara Romero
INVOICE
MONTH RENT (APRIL 2009)
$888.00
OPEN BALANCE
$2,356.00
PAYMENT RECEIVED (04/23/2009)
–$193.00
LATE FEE:
$40.00
Remaining Balance:
$3,091.00
Rent is due on the 1st of the month. Please pay rent on time to avoid late charges.
SESSION NINE
Ay, I’m sorry. Please forgive me. I didn’t sleep the entire week.
Why? Because every week more problems. ángela will still not talk to me. She’s an Aries. It takes a very long time for an Aries to forgive. I tried to reach her, yes, by phone. I knocked on her door, but she refused to talk.
Yes, I apologized to ángela. I tried to make peace with her—ay, how I tried.
I made her the pastelitos with raisins! And I hate the raisins. But for her, I put the raisins. You know what she did? She left them in a bag, hanging on the door of my apartment! Gracias a Dios for Hernán that understands that everybody has a bad moment. Everybody commits an error. ángela acts like I didn’t raise those children too. But Hernán knows what I have done for those children and even when ángela is angry, he takes care of me.
You know what he did? He came to my apartment and said, Get dressed.
Learn this from me: Sometimes when you can’t change your ánimo you have to have people like Hernán to remind you about the important things in life. Sometimes we need help to not drown in a glass of water.
Yes, I know, I have real problems. But it’s good to have people to remind us that we have survived a lot more than this.
So I got dressed and Hernán drove me to City Island. Yes, it was hot enough to sit outside. I took my shoes off and put my feet inside the water. It was like ice. But I needed something. Do you ever have that feeling? When you need something to wake you up? And we saw the sky turn orange, and ate un montón—a box this big—of camarones fritos with cold cervezas.
Sometimes life feels very small and other times it feels very rich. And when it feels small I think it’s because I don’t let myself, you know, enjoy the life.
It reminds me of when I would go to La Escuelita and La Profesora opened the can with cookies.
Try one, she told me.
Lulú took many of them. But I was suspicious. Nobody gives free cookies for nothing. But La Profesora insisted, Cara, eat the cookie.
I ate the cookie.
Oh my God, those cookies! Why are they so good?
* * *
What I am trying to tell you is that last week I said too much, but I need you to understand that I am not a bad person.
Yes, bad things happened. But, listen to me, life was very difficult in Hato Mayor. Yes, Mamá y Papá are complicated people, but they worked hard to take care of us. We were poor but never hungry. And Papá even had a good plan for me. I was going to live with mi tía in la capital to study in the university to become a professional. He wanted all his children to have the capacity to express themselves. He didn’t talk very much, but on Sundays people came from everywhere to dictate tonterías to my father so he could write their letters.
He said, A talent with words is better than a few dollars in your pocket.
But I didn’t go to la capital to study. I went with Ricardo.
Ricardo loved my stories, called me his little cotorrita. Fast, fast we fell in love. In that time, so many men came after me. But Ricardo had pockets full of treasures. One day he gave me a gold bracelet, thin like a thread, so shiny. The next year, I embarrassed. Of course, my mother obligate him to marry me with papers. She said, My baby will not be sin padre.
In the beginning, Ricardo was not bad. Like I told you, it was better than living with my mother, because she had a temper like the devil. Ricardo had a good job, his own butcher kiosko in the market, where people came from everywhere to get his meat. He owned a little land too, and raised many animals. What did I know about men? I was nineteen.
He was sweet when I was embarrassed. Yes, embarrassed, with a baby in my stomach. The correct word is pregnant? OK, I was pregnant. And he was very sweet with me. So this makes me think he really loved me. There was no antojo he wouldn’t get. He massage my feet in the night like una masa de pan. All the women in the barrio said he was bitten good by my brown eyes and my big nalgas. And for a time, we ate meat almost every day. Who can say that in Hato Mayor? Nobody! And not like the meat here, that is more dead than dead. The meat was fresh and like nothing you have ever put in your mouth.
What? No, that was not Fernando. That baby never came.
We tried again and I lost another baby. And this I know frustrated Ricardo. If I was an animal on his farm, he would have killed me and cooked me for dinner. I was not his cotorrita anymore. For a long time, he didn’t look to me. My mother gave me the botellas full of herbs to force the fertility. She said he was going to leave me for another woman if I didn’t give him a baby. But, between us, I wanted him to leave. To live with Ricardo was not easy.