Why was the other girl still in the uniform, like she didn’t have a house to go to?
When Fernando left I didn’t sleep for many nights, thinking Fernando also stayed in lobbies like this one. Before I met Alexis, I worried. What if Fernando sleeps on stairs and benches in the park like people without family? These children with the entire life in front of them, what if somebody makes them do disgusting things for a hamburger? That friend of Sabrina wasn’t even carrying a backpack!
So when I saw Sabrina appear in the lobby another night, and she disappeared from the camera with her friend again, I thought maybe I should talk to her. Sabrina needed to know that her activity was in the TV. I hadn’t seen her in the camera letting in boys, just her little friend—but in a building where the bochinche travels she will get caught.
So I put on my coat, went down the stairs. I heard them laughing one floor down. Their voices louder and then suddenly everything got silent. Then that smell. Dios mío, that smell. They had been smoking la marijuana, like they didn’t know that it made them not grow. The trap door to la heroína. It makes my heart break.
She’s only una ni?ita and has to concentrate on school so she can get a good job with health insurance. Stay away from the drugs and drinking. That’s all any mother wants. And Sabrina is pretty too. So pretty.
I walked down, close enough to see the girls holding hands. Then Sabrina got closer to the girl with the uniform. What are you doing? I wanted to say, but I couldn’t talk. They kissed. On the mouth. And kissed again. Stop! I said, but maybe only inside my mind. Because they kissed more. I wanted to save Sabrina. What does she know about the world? She is ruining her life. Pero me tranqué. I told you, when I get nervous I lose the voice. They kissed like they were invisible to the world. And I remembered that feeling, to kiss before knowing any bad, any evil. When I kissed with curiosity.
The girl with the uniform had her back against the wall, and when she opened the eyes, she saw me. She pushed Sabrina. They looked so scared of me. Of me!
I’m sorry, I said.
I dropped my keys, picked them up, and went back up the stairs. Maybe if I act like nothing happened, she can remain innocent. No, I don’t plan to tell the mother what I saw. But Sabrina doesn’t know this.
Why not? Ay. Maybe she will give Sabrina tremenda pela. Maybe with the baseball bat that she keeps by the door. I don’t know. I think about Fernando. Now I see I could have been more gentle with him. I didn’t understand this before he left. I learned the difficult way that you have to be gentle with your children, or you can lose them forever.
* * *
Ay, yes, I would like a Kleenex. Look what you do to me.
* * *
I don’t know. I don’t know what Fernando thinks of me. Still, every day I hope he will return to sit in my kitchen and eat my food. When he left, I asked the policía to help me find him. But they didn’t help. Every time a person told me they saw him, I went looking for him como una loca. Not like my mother, that never looked for me.
I told you about the time where I went to the Bronx? Yes, when I met Alexis. I will confess to you. There was another time, before that. I don’t like to think about it. Some things are too difficult to tell. But yes, a year after Fernando left, my neighbor Tita told me she saw him in the building on 180th and Pinehurst dique helping the super. Here I was, looking for him everywhere and then Tita tells me this. That he was only a few blocks away!
She said Fernando was wearing a knitted hat, but not the kind you buy on the street, but like someone made it for him, red with yellow flecks. Tita knits to relax so this is the first thing she noticed. But when he took off this hat she was surprised, because his hair was cut short on the sides, but on top, his hair sprung up and out, one big afro.
Like a rooster? I asked, and she said yes.
He looked healthy, not skinny. But the skin on the cheeks was not so good because maybe he was drinking too much milk and sugar. Fernando did love cereal with milk in the morning. He could eat one box for desayuno.
* * *
So, of course I went to see. And from outside I saw him in the lobby, holding a ladder for a man that was painting the wall. Imagínate mi corazón, I couldn’t believe it.
Fernando! I yelled. I scared him because he let go of the ladder, the man fell down with the lata of the paint. Ay, Dios mío. What a mess. The man fell down on top of Fernando, gracias a Dios. But the paint was everywhere. I ran to them. The paint on the bottom of my foot made a more big mess.
Mami? he said. Ay, so many nights I didn’t sleep, wanting for him to say that. The man asked, This is your mother?
Of course, we have the same nose. The same eyes. I was happy to hear his voice. Mami. Mami. Mami. It had been almost a year, he had left. One year!
Fernando had a tattoo in the wrist. An earring in the left ear.
Mami, what are you doing here?
I went close to smell him. He was OK. The whites of his eyes were bright and his pupils a normal size. He was OK. The skin, healthy. He was OK. Ay, that hurt. He was OK without me. Ay, what a relief. He was OK. He didn’t look like a homeless.
Mami, leave, Fernando said. I have a mess to clean up.
With a calm voice, I asked him to come to dinner that night.
OK, he said.
He never came. He never called. And yes, he quit that job. Or maybe he was fired. I don’t know. But when I went again, the super said Fernando told the authorities he didn’t want to see me again.
What is wrong with this country? So cold. With a document, they ruin a life.
* * *
Ay, today I’ve talked too much.
TEMPORARY ORDER OF PROTECTION
DATE: Year of 2000 after Cara went to look for Fernando on 180th and Pinehurst
PRESENT: Honorable Judge
In the Matter of a FAMILY OFFENSE Proceeding
Fernando Ricardo Romero
(Petitioner)
-against-
Cara Romero
(Respondent)
NOTICE: YOUR FAILURE TO OBEY THIS ORDER MAY SUBJECT YOU TO MANDATORY ARREST AND CRIMINAL PROSECUTION, WHICH MAY RESULT IN YOUR INCARCERATION FOR UP TO SEVEN YEARS FOR CONTEMPT OF COURT. IF YOU FAIL TO APPEAR IN COURT WHEN YOU ARE REQUIRED, THIS ORDER MAY BE EXTENDED IN YOUR ABSENCE AND THEN CONTINUES IN EFFECT UNTIL A NEW DATE SET BY THE COURT.
If you go after Fernando again you will go to jail. Punto final.
THIS ORDER OF PROTECTION WILL REMAIN IN EFFECT EVEN IF THE PROTECTED PARTY HAS, OR CONSENTS TO HAVE, CONTACT OR COMMUNICATION WITH THE PARTY AGAINST WHOM THE ORDER IS ISSUED. THIS ORDER OF PROTECTION CAN ONLY BE MODIFIED OR TERMINATED BY THE COURT. THE PROTECTED PARTY CANNOT BE HELD TO VIOLATE THIS ORDER.
IT IS HEREBY ORDERED that CARA ROMERO observe the following conditions of behavior:
Stay away from:
[A] Fernando Ricardo Romero
[B] the home of Fernando Ricardo Romero
[C] the place of employment of Fernando Ricardo Romero
Refrain from communication or any other contact by mail, telephone, email, voice mail, or other electronic or any other means with Fernando Ricardo Romero.
Refrain from assault, stalking, harassment, aggravated harassment, menacing, reckless endangerment, strangulation, criminal obstruction of breathing or circulation, disorderly conduct, criminal mischief, sexual abuse, sexual misconduct, forcible touching, intimidation, threats, identity theft, grand larceny, coercion, or any criminal offense against Fernando Ricardo Romero.
THE OFFICE OF
CHILDREN AND FAMILY SERVICES
In-Home Small Day-Care Application