“There’s no thinking about it. He’s had it tough these last few years, after his father died.” I frown, hating that I don’t know exactly when his father died.
Kaya’s right. I don’t know anything about Ash. Not really. Oh, I know a few things, and our earlier conversation was a good one. But we need a lot more of those conversations, where we share bits and pieces about our lives. I want him to know more about me too.
What if this is just a sexual relationship? What if my original fears are actually coming true? He’s only interested in getting in my pants, and once he does, he’ll dump me. Or maybe he only wants to be close to me because he really wants to be close to my father. I know if given the chance, Dad would assist in any way he could with Ash’s future in football, and he would be a tremendous help. My father is a respected man in the NFL. He could help Ash get places.
If that’s all Ash really wants, then…
I’ll be devastated.
“Hey.” Kaya grabs my bent knee and gives it a shake. “You’re getting too caught up in the shitty details. I didn’t mean to make you feel bad.”
“You didn’t.” I offer her a weak smile, lying through my teeth. She totally made me feel bad, though I’m not blaming her for it.
I’m completely at fault. Ash and I moved too fast. I need to figure out exactly what he wants from me. It doesn’t help, how upset he got earlier when I told him about Kaya coming over. Or how he was texting someone on his phone—and I don’t know if that was really his mom, which means maybe I can’t trust him. Should I? And will he always have a jealous streak? I don’t know if I can deal with that. Does this mean our relationship is doomed to fail before it even started?
“I’m starving.” Kaya hops off the bed with a bright smile. “Let’s go dig up some snacks and watch a movie or something.”
“Okay,” I say weakly, feeling dumb. I wish I could forget about my troubles with Ash for a while and just focus on hanging out with Kaya.
Kind of hard when the boy who’s so troubling is actually living at my house.
Thirty
It’s closer to one a.m. when I find myself sneaking down to Ash’s room. As I make my way through the house, I feel like this all I’ve been up to for the past week. Sneaking here, sneaking there. If my parents caught me, I’d be in big trouble.
Despite all my troubling thoughts earlier, I still believe Ash is worth the risk.
Within minutes, I’m in his room, only to find him sleeping, sprawled across the bed, the sheets and comforter caught around his waist. He’s on his stomach without a shirt on, his arms spread wide, his head turned to the side, and I stare at him unabashedly, thankful for the night light that’s shining in the hallway, just bright enough to cast light into the room through the cracked open door. Mom must have plugged that in for Ash for some reason—so he could find his way to the bathroom? Or maybe so I could find my way to Ash’s room, and then spy on him like I’m doing at this very moment?
Yeah, I’m sure that’s a firm no to my last mental question.
The longer I stare at him, the more my heart aches. I can see the remnants of the physical wounds that mark his body, but what about the emotional ones? What has he been through that he hasn’t told me about? He looks so vulnerable in his sleep, reminding me of a little boy. It baffles me, how someone can be so cruel to their own child. I hate what his mother did to him. I hate that he’s been put into such a terrible situation through no fault of his own. I wish I could change his circumstances. If he stays here, my family will help him.
Yet if my parents find out I’m doing this, they’ll kick him out with zero hesitation. Dad might want to murder him for touching me. Maybe it’s not worth the risk. Maybe me risking it all just so I can feel close to him would be detrimental for Ash’s future.
Deciding I need to go back to my room and go to bed, I start to tiptoe out of Ash’s room when he stirs, rolling over onto his side so that he’s facing me.
“Where you goin’?” he mumbles, squinting in the semi-darkness.
I come to a stop, then go to the bed, where I bend over and drop a kiss to the top of his head. “I was just checking on you. Go back to sleep.”
“C’mere.” He snags my hand and pulls me down onto him, with only the sheet between us. “This is a nice surprise.”
“Kaya’s waiting for me,” I tell him, hating the lie. But I have to do this to keep him safe. “I told her I was going to the bathroom.”
He studies me for a moment, our faces close, his gaze searching. “Really, Callahan? You’re going to start lying to me now?”
Sighing, I drop my head so my forehead nudges against his chin. I wish I could confront him about his earlier lie, but I don’t the courage to do it. Not yet. “I shouldn’t be in here.”
“Why not? I thought that was the plan.” He plays with my hair, making me want to melt into him. “You don’t want to be with me?”
“Of course I do. It’s just…” My voice drifts and I lift my head so I can look into his eyes when I say this. “I don’t want you to get in trouble with my parents.”
Frowning, he reaches for me, pushing my hair away from my forehead. “They won’t come looking for you right now.”
“We don’t know that for sure. And I don’t want to risk it,” I whisper, resting my cheek against his chest.
He holds me like this for a long, quiet moment, the only sound the steady beating of his heart. When we’re like this, together, alone, it feels like we can do anything. Like we can conquer the world as long as we have each other.
I know that’s not the truth. We just feel protected in our little bubble. The real world is still out there, waiting for us, and it doesn’t go easy, especially on Ash.
“Is the door still open?” he asks.
I nod, my hair rubbing against his chest. “Yeah.”
“You should go shut it.”
“I should leave.”
“I don’t want you to go.” His hands slide down my back, resting lightly on my butt. “Where’s your friend?”
“Sleeping in my bed.”
“Does she know where you’re at?” When I lift my head to frown at him with confusion, he explains himself further. “Will she freak out if you’re not in the bed if she happens to wake up?”
“Oh. No. I doubt it.” She’d probably figure out exactly where I’m at.
“Then go shut the door, Callahan. And lock it, too.”
I shouldn’t. If I leave, everything will stay the same. But if I stay, if I get up and lock that door and come back to bed with Ash, everything could change.
Everything.
“Please stay,” he whispers in my ear just before he kisses it, his big hands smoothing over my backside, making me tingle.
Again, it’s the please that does it. How can I resist?
I pull out of his arms and make my way over to the door, closing it carefully. Softly. I turn the lock as slow as possible so it doesn’t make any noise, and then I go back to the bed. Ash scoots over and tosses the covers back, patting the now empty space invitingly. I crawl in with him and snuggle close to his warm, hard body, sighing when he pulls the covers over both of us. I rest my hand on his belly and figure out quick that he is totally naked.
“Ash.” My hand springs away from his stomach, and he chuckles, grabbing my hand and placing it right back where it was. “You don’t have any clothes on.”
“I know.” His voice is dark, devilish. As if he enjoys shocking me, which he probably does. “Thought I might surprise you if you did happen to come by tonight.”
“Well, it worked. You’ve completely taken me by surprise.” I raise my hand higher, not ready to touch him in that area just yet. I don’t want to move too fast, though that seems to be the way we operate lately.
Well. We either move too fast or not nearly fast enough. It’s like we can’t make up our minds.
“I have another surprise for you too.” He lifts my chin and kisses me, his lips insistent, stealing my thoughts, my breath. When he breaks the kiss, he reaches over to the bedside table and pulls the drawer open, rummaging around before he finds what he wants. “Look what I’ve got.”