CHAPTER 19
“Hi, Seth.” Julie tucked the phone in the crook of her neck while she folded another T-shirt and added it to the pile of clean laundry on the bed.
“Hey, you. I feel like I haven’t talked to you in weeks.” Seth sounded sweet, but she could detect a frustrated edge.
“I know. With finals coming up, I’ve been mobbed. Sorry I didn’t call you back yesterday.”
“It’s just that it’s the middle of December, and you’re leaving soon for three weeks. I was hoping we could hang out some more before then. You know, a little alone time?” Julie could tell he was smiling now.
“You mean you’ve had enough time with Celeste and me in the coffeehouse?” she teased. “You don’t find that romantic, and sexy, and hot?”
“While I very much enjoy watching you sweat over your calculus assignments, and I’m equally fond of Celeste’s detailed and ruthless assessments of my beverage-making skills, I’d kill for a night alone with you.”
Julie opened the bottom drawer of the dresser and picked up a stack of folded clothes. “You got it. How about tonight?”
Seth groaned. “I can’t. I’m leading a study group for one of my polisci classes. Tomorrow? Besides, Friday is a better date night anyhow.”
“Works for me.”
“Come over around seven and I’ll make you dinner.”
“OK, see you then.” She tossed the phone down and went to set her clothes in the drawer. Finn’s skydiving shirts sat in the bottom. She took out the weathered blue shirt that read, Don’t forget to pull. Without thinking, she lifted it up to her face and inhaled.
“What are you doing?”
Julie whipped around. This was the first time that she had heard Matt laugh uncontrollably. She felt herself blush, but threw the shirt at him. “I found some of Finn’s clothes in here and wanted to make sure they weren’t all stinky and gross. I just did laundry and don’t need my clean stuff next to smelly boy stuff.”
“Uh-huh. Whatever you say.” He tossed the shirt back to her.
“Shut up!” Julie rolled her eyes.
“If you want to smell Finn’s clothes, be my guest. I think there is a pair of his old hiking boots in the attic. Do you want me to get those? I’m positive they’ll still have a good Finn scent. Believe me, Odor Eaters never did a thing for my brother’s feet.”
Julie’s phone rang again. “Middle child syndrome,” she mumbled as she reached over to answer it. “Hello?”
“I can’t wait to see you,” Seth said. “I just had to tell you that. Gotta run. Bye!”
She smiled and hung up just as Celeste brushed past Matthew and held her fingers out to Julie. “My polish is chipping. Can I redo my fingernails?”
“Sure thing. Help yourself to whatever color you want. You know where the stuff is.”
Celeste turned on the radio, picked up the bag of nail polish, and took a seat on the end of the bed.
“Hey, Celeste,” Matt said. “This came for you earlier.” Julie hadn’t even noticed that he had been holding a bulging Fed Ex envelope in his hand. “It’s from Finn.”
Celeste dropped the bag and slowly lifted her head. “Finn sent me something?”
“Yeah, sweetie. He did. Here you go.” Matt walked the package to his sister and then left the room.
Julie scrambled over the two laundry baskets to reach Celeste, who sat silently beaming at the item in her hands. “Open it! Open it!”
“Oh. Of course. How did he…? I can’t…I can’t believe that he sent me something. But I knew. Look at how far this had to travel.” She pointed at the postage marks and strange writing on the front. “I don’t know how he…”
“For God’s sake, open it!”
Celeste’s hands shook as she tore off the perforated tab and upended the mailing envelope. “Oooooh, Julie, look.” She held up a silver barrette with beautiful turquoise and amber stones. “It’s lovely, isn’t it?” she asked breathlessly.
“It really is. It will look amazing in your hair.” She peeked inside the envelope. “No card?”
“I guess not. That’s OK, though. Will you put it in for me?”
“Of course.” Julie gathered Celeste’s thick hair at the nape of her neck. As she undid the clasp, she noticed something. “Honey, look. It’s engraved on the back.”
“It is?” Celeste turned around, her eyes sparkling brightly.
“Yes.” Julie squinted at the small etching. “It says, Love is a portion of the soul itself, and it is of the same nature as the celestial breathing of the atmosphere of paradise.”
Celeste beamed. “Finn used to find quotes with celestial in them for me. That one is Victor Hugo. It’s my favorite.” She turned around again so Julie could put the barrette in. “Although Finn always liked to tease me with quotes from the Jean de Brunhoff books. Do you know those? The stories about the elephants? King Babar and Queen Celeste?”
“I do know those stories. My mom used to read them to me.”
Celeste seemed energized and illuminated by Finn’s gift. And while Julie doubted this would eradicate Celeste’s attachment to Flat Finn, it couldn’t hurt.
Julie sighed softly as she tousled Celeste’s curls. Five more months. Julie had told the guidance counselor at Barnaby that Celeste would make significant progress by May. But five months until what exactly? Until she turned into a typical teenager? Julie couldn’t see that happening, nor did she want it to happen. Celeste’s uniqueness shouldn’t be obliterated. What was the marker of acceptable progress? When she ditched Flat Finn? When she had a given number of friends? When she stopped talking like someone from a Victorian movie? Well, something would need to change, and Julie figured that she would know it when it happened.
Matthew Watkins “One’s life should never be so boring that one resorts to making up quotes and falsely attributing them to famous people.”–Winston Churchill
Finn Is God SAY TAKE FACEBOOK “HOW TASTE YR BRANEZ” QUIZ. SEND BRANEZ 2 ME I TASTE. PS I ARE NOT A ZOMBIES.
Julie Seagle If you can’t stop thinking about someone’s update, that’s called “status cling.”
Julie had the car for the evening for her date with Seth. Miraculously she managed to find a parking spot, but it took four tries for her to cram the car into the small space between a huge pickup truck and a beat-up van. It was freezing out tonight, and she sat in the car for a moment before opening the door. She just needed another few minutes.
This was supposed to be a big night with Seth. She knew that. She should be flying up to his place. Maybe she was nervous?
She grabbed her phone and checked her mail. There was a message from Dana: Have a hot night with Seth! And close the deal already! LOL! Julie laughed.
And one message from Finn.
Julie–
Did Celeste’s package get there? I’m holding a lovely handwritten note that I forgot to put in the envelope. I’m a dummy. Tell her I’m sorry, but that I hope she likes her gift.
Hope you’re having a good night.
–Finn
Finn–
I’ll tell her. She loved the gift. Very sweet of you. Not the same as having you here, but it’ll tide her over for a bit. Gotta run. I’ll see if you’re on chat later. Although I’m a tired wreck today from being up so late last night. You’re evil.
–Julie
She could have just said that she was going to her boyfriend’s house. There was no reason not to. But she still hadn’t mentioned Seth, and it seemed silly to make a dramatic announcement about it.
Julie got out of the car and walked to the front door of Seth’s building, her phone still in her hand. She stood for a moment before ringing the buzzer. Had it sounded stupid to ask Finn if he would be online later? Totally pathetic? It’s not as if she was chasing after him or anything, but what if it looked that way? Here she was, heading up to another guy’s apartment for a big-deal evening, so she wasn’t going to be online later anyway. Why had she even said that?
From now on, maybe she should wait sixty seconds before she sent messages to Finn.
Seth buzzed her in, and she paused in the lobby. Julie had always taken the stairs, of course, and never the elevator, but tonight she was feeling brave. Daring. She could do this. No dramatic fainting or having a panic attack. No more being controlled by this stupid phobia. She would ride the elevator like a completely normal human being. She pressed the elevator button—immediately opening the doors—stepped inside, and hit the button for his floor. She leaned back against the metal wall and closed her eyes, ignoring the handrail that dug into her back. There. There was nothing to be afraid of. Her vision hadn’t blurred, the cabin wasn’t spinning, and she wasn’t going to fall. In fact, the elevator issue felt like the least of her concerns right now.
It didn’t really matter what Finn thought of her anyway, right? Who cared if he knew she wanted to find him online tonight? Which she wasn’t going to do anyway because she would be busy. Finn was just some boy she would probably never meet anyway. Some boy she e-mailed and chatted with. Maybe he’d be around tonight, maybe he wouldn’t. It didn’t matter because she wouldn’t be free. She had important things to take care of. With Seth. Her boyfriend.
Suddenly the elevator slammed to a hard stop, causing Julie to stumble forward. She caught the rail with her hand and froze. The doors didn’t open. She knew she hadn’t been in the elevator long enough to have reached Seth’s floor. Perhaps something would kick into gear in a minute and the elevator would magically finish its trip up? Julie swore and hit every button on the panel but one. The last thing she felt like doing was pressing that nasty red button that would sound the alarm. This was what she got for being a daredevil. She called Seth.
“Where are you? Didn’t I just buzz you in?” he asked.
“Yes, I am in the building,” she agreed. “In the elevator.”
“Well, hurry up and get in here. I’ve got dinner ready, a little wine poured, candles lit. The whole bit.”
“That sounds really nice.”
“I’ll be honest. I’m trying to seduce you, Ms. Seagle.”
Julie looked down at the dirty floor, focusing her attention on one particular smudge. “That might be tricky.”
“Why’s that?”
“Because I’m stuck in your elevator. And it seems to be getting smaller by the minute in here.”
“I’ll be right there.”
Beads of sweat were starting to accumulate on her hairline, and her stomach was noticeably unhappy. The evil metal box with its fluorescent lighting was decidedly uncomfortable, and the thought that she was suspended in the air—by what was probably an ancient cable—was not exactly soothing. It was like being dangled over a cliff or frozen at the top of a Ferris wheel. How did the Ferris wheel even get its name? Had there been a Mr. Ferris who had sadistically designed such a disgusting, terrifying ride? Matt would probably know. If she ever got out of here, she could ask him. If she didn’t faint and smack her head on the wall and give herself brain damage, she could ask him.
“Julie? Julie?” Seth pounded on the top of the elevator doors.
“Don’t hit the doors, for God’s sake! You’ll probably plummet me to the basement!” Julie barely wanted to move in this death trap, and there was her boyfriend trying to snap what was probably the last frayed metal thread holding her up.
“You’re stuck between the third and fourth floor. This happens once in a while. I just called the building supervisor, who is calling the fire department.”
“Great. That sounds fun.” Julie carefully slumped to the floor and tucked her knees into her chest.
“You OK in there?”
“No. I’m not OK. I’m freaking out! I don’t want to be in here. Really. Not at all. I’m going to die any minute, I can just tell.”
“Um, do you want to do some deep-breathing exercises? Why don’t you visualize floating things? Feathers and clouds and bubbles. That might help.”
“No, I don’t want to do any frickin’ deep-breathing exercises! I want the goddamn fire department to get me out.”
“Julie, listen to me. I’ll count to five, and you inhale through your nose along with me. Then exhale for five counts through your mouth. Ready? One, two—”
Shut. Up. Seth was no help whatsoever. Fine, he had called the fire department, but otherwise he was not helping her to relax one bit. Her phone sounded, and she realized that it was still in her hand, her fingers now white from gripping it so tightly.
Julie–
I should be around later, yes. Where you off to tonight?
–Finn
Oh, thank God. Finn! She checked Facebook’s chat from her phone, and he was signed on.
Julie Seagle
Am flipping stuck in an elevator. Alone. Miserable. Help is on the way supposedly, but I am not enjoying this experience. Starting to seriously panic. Sweating, shakes, visions of brutal death.
Finn Is God
What??? Oh, no! Do not panic. Have you forgotten that I am a superhero?
Julie Seagle
I had forgotten! Feel totally safe now. OK, you fly under the elevator and lift me up to safety. Ready? Go!
Finn Is God
Unfortunately my flying powers were deactivated because I abused my superhero status. Apologies. I have other powers, though, that will get you through this.
Julie Seagle
Give it your best shot. Convince me that I’m not a million feet in the air.
“Julie?” Seth called. “You still breathing with me? And… inhale!”
“Yup!” she called out.
“Good! You keep breathing, and I will distract you. Um…I’ll sing!” There was silence for a moment. “I don’t know what to sing. OK, how about this?” Seth launched into an impressively loud and off-key rendition of “Swing Low, Sweet Chariot.” “I don’t know why I chose that. It’s just what came to mind.”
“It’s lovely. Keep going,” Julie hollered.
Finn Is God
You can’t pretend you are not up high, because you are.
Julie Seagle
These are delightful powers you have. Thank you so much. I feel a million times better.
Finn Is God
Accept that you’re up high and embrace it. Take control. It’s like when I go skydiving. I don’t actually love heights. It scares the hell out of me to be in that plane, looking down at the ground. But I jump through that fear and turn it into euphoria.
Julie Seagle
I would never in a million years go skydiving.
Finn Is God
What if I took you?
Julie Seagle
I’d still be jumping out of a plane alone, just like I’m alone in this stupid elevator.
“Swiiiiiing looooow,” Seth’s singing echoed through the building. “Oh! The fire department is here. Hold on. Let me see what they say.”
Finn Is God
You wouldn’t be alone. I’d take you tandem, so you’d be strapped to me. We’d jump together.
Julie Seagle
How would that work?
Finn Is God
You’d be in front of me, your back pressed into my chest.
Julie Seagle
That part doesn’t sound so awful.
Crap. Did she just write that? There was no undo or delete button. How totally embarrassing.
Finn Is God
No. It doesn’t sound so awful, does it?
Julie Seagle
So then tell me more.
Finn Is God
OK. Pretend we’re going right now. Ready?
Julie Seagle
Ready.
Finn Is God
We’re in the plane, and it’s loud and cold. You see duct tape over parts of the interior of the plane and wonder if jumping is the worst idea you’ve ever had, but I tell you you’ll be fine. We both have on the full skydiving suits, helmets, goggles, chutes. The suit is tight, and it gives you the illusion of being safe, secure. You’re full of mixed emotions. Pride, anxiety, exuberance, terror.
Julie Seagle
Nausea?
Finn Is God
That’s not an emotion! But yes, nausea.
“Miss? Boston Fire Department here. We’ll have you out in about thirty minutes. You hangin’ in there?” a gruff voice asked her.
“Take your time,” Julie called out as she continued staring at the small screen in her hands.
“Julie, did you hear that?” Seth asked. “Only thirty minutes. I know it sounds like forever, but it’ll go by fast. Is my singing helping? It should at least be making you laugh.”
“Knock it off with the singing!” one of the firemen ordered. “Miss, even though there will be a bit of banging going on, you’re perfectly safe. We’ll get you out just fine.”
“No rush,” Julie muttered.
Julie Seagle
Then what?
Finn Is God
Your mind is racing. Did you remember to turn off the oven at home? Your car needs an oil change. You’re out of shampoo. Why do washing machines eat socks? Do they taste good? Should you try eating socks? You wonder if you should back out, if this was a mistake. You didn’t tell anyone that you were jumping today, and now what if you die? You worry that you’ll forget what to do, that you won’t remember when to pull the chute. I show you the altimeter. The plane is only halfway up to where we need to be, and it already feels so high. But you’re not in any danger.
A loud thud sounded, and the elevator shook. Then metallic noises echoed throughout the chamber. Julie squeezed her eyes shut and couldn’t stop the whimpering sound she made.
Julie Seagle
Finn, I’m scared. The elevator is shaking.
Finn Is God
I know you are, but I’ve got you. You’re not in the elevator, remember? You’re with me. I stand you up and try to push your body away from mine, reminding you that you are tightly strapped to me and that I won’t let anything happen. It’s my job to control our jump and my job to pull the chute if you don’t. You’re safe. Tell me that you trust me.
Julie Seagle
I trust you.
Finn Is God
We’re high enough now, and one of the instructors opens the door, sending a powerful rush of air into the cabin. Your heart nearly stops when I start to walk you to the edge. As much as you’re terrified, you’re also starting to feel the rush, the thrill you get from being on the brink.
The noise from above continued, but Julie barely noticed. The only thing she could pay attention to, the only thing she cared about right now, was what Finn was writing her.
Finn Is God
We’re at 15,000 feet now, and when you look down at the ground, you immediately try to step away from the door. You want to bail on this. I back you up, and we let someone else jump first. I put my arms around your waist and pull you in, holding you, letting you know I’m with you. I tell you that you can do this, that you’re strong enough and brave enough. I tell you that you can do anything. So you nod and agree to jump.
We move to the edge of the plane again and pause. You cross your arms over your chest and lean your head back into me like I told you. I start to rock us back and forth, getting us ready to jump. And then we go.
Julie’s pounding heart and the fact that she was sweating no longer had anything to do with the elevator situation.
Julie Seagle
How do I feel when we jump?
Finn Is God
The minute we hit the air, you are surprisingly relaxed. All of your problems seem to go away. Your stomach doesn’t drop. There’s no falling sensation. It’s just freeing. It’s as close to flying as you’ll ever get. A calm like you’ve never known before, and you don’t want it to end.
Finn Is God
So we freefall like this for 5,000 feet. We don’t want it to stop. We want to feel like this forever, lost in this experience. This is why people pull their chutes late, because freefalling is like a drug.
Julie Seagle
Or something else, I’m guessing.
Finn Is God
Yes, or something else. They do call it an “airgasm” for a reason…
Julie Seagle
I can see why. But we have to pull the chute.
Finn Is God
Yes, we have to pull the chute. So I do it. And it jerks us back—hard—but then we’re falling smoothly, softer than before, easily. We’re drifting together. It’s quieter now, and you can hear my voice.
Julie Seagle
And what do you say to me?
Suddenly the elevator kicked into gear and descended half a floor.
Julie Seagle
Shit. The elevator is working now.
Finn Is God
That’s good news!
Julie Seagle
Right now it doesn’t feel like it. I’ll find you later.
The doors creaked open. From her spot on the dirty floor, Julie stared at the small crowd that faced her. Seth was jubilant, and the firefighters looked pleased with their quick success. Julie was nonetheless annoyed.
“Aren’t you going to get up?” Seth asked as he stepped forward. “Are you hurt?” He knelt down in front of her and put his hand on her knee. “Julie? You’re all sweaty and flushed.”
“I’m fine. Really.” She took his hand in hers and smiled. He really was cute, and sweet, and funny. There was nothing not to like about him. In fact, she suddenly liked him—needed him—more than ever. She leaned in and whispered, “We have to get up to your apartment. Now.”
Seth looked her in the eyes and nodded.
They quickly thanked the people who had freed her and hurried to the stairwell. Seth practically yanked her up the stairs until they reached his landing. He turned and pulled her into him, pressing his lips to hers and sliding his tongue into her mouth. Julie kissed him back, hard, and they fumbled down the hallway to his door, nearly falling into the living room. He backed her against the wall and slid his hands over the front of her shirt, his fingers digging into her skin, pulling her in closer. Then Julie’s hands were in his hair, and she pulled her mouth from his, gasping for air. She closed her eyes and felt his lips move to her neck, his breath hot and ragged, making her lost and dizzy.
His touch was so urgent and heated and the way he kissed her confident and intense. She hadn’t been wanted like this before. Jared had been so fumbling and inept, and she didn’t have much experience with anyone else.
She wondered what Finn would be like. What would it feel like to kiss him? What would he taste like? Would his hands be gentle? Would he go slowly, smoothly, take his time? How would he sound if she ran her fingers over his arm, up his biceps, down his chest, moving lower? Would their bodies fit together perfectly, molding into each other as they kissed desperately?
Julie opened her eyes. Oh, no. Oh, no. This was so screwed up.
She took her hands from the back of Seth’s neck and touched his cheek. “Seth?”
“Julie,” he murmured, moving to kiss her mouth again.
“Seth. I’m sorry,” she whispered in disbelief. She dropped her head to his shoulder. “I’m so sorry.”
“Wait, what?” He took a small step back. “What’s wrong?”
“I can’t…” She took a deep breath. “I can’t do this.”
“Too much?” he asked. “We’ve been together a while. I thought you wanted to. You seemed so into everything. It’s OK, though.”
“No, it’s not OK. You’re so great. You’re wonderful. There’s no reason that I shouldn’t want this.”
Seth took another step back. “But you don’t want this, do you?”
She shook her head. Julie hated how hurt he looked. She didn’t know what to say. “My head is not where it should be. I’m not feeling what I should be. What I wish I were.”
He was quiet for a minute. “I pretty much knew that,” he admitted. Seth took her hand in his and looked down. “I don’t think you’ve ever been as into us as I have. Is there someone else?”
Julie felt her eyes tear up, and she hesitated before answering him. “I think there might be.”