CHAPTER 23
Julie looked at the clock. It was only seven thirty in the morning, and she felt like hell. The expression “death warmed over” came to mind. She had slept horribly, tossing and turning, trying to control the nausea that had woke her up several times. Not to mention the excruciating headache.
Champagne sucks, she thought. And my father and stupid New York still suck.
She might as well get up, since there was no use lying around stewing about things. She dragged her hungover self from the bed and plodded to the kitchen, clutching her head with one hand in a futile attempt to keep her brains from smashing against her skull. She grabbed a carton of orange juice and sat down on the couch in the living room to watch TV.
Reporters recapped last night’s celebrations and replayed footage of midnight displays and cheers from around the world. Watching this, these masses of happy people, made her feel small and unimportant. Probably the way her father saw her.
She could see it now.
It was quite clear to her that she barely registered on his radar. It was rather unbelievable. She was his daughter, his only child, and he had screwed her over time and again. And she had let him.
Asshole.
Her head was spinning. She flipped through the channels and landed on a local news reporter who had been stuck with the unfortunate job of filming on a windy beach in South Boston. Julie squinted at the television. Why on earth was a crowd forming at the freezing beach at this time of day? Oh my God, they were going swimming!
The reporter yanked her hat down as a gust of wind swirled. “Even with water temperatures predicted to be a painful forty-one degrees, dozens of men, women, and even children are preparing to take the annual Polar Plunge this morning at ten o’clock in Boston Harbor.”
Finn had told her about this event. These people are crazy, Julie thought.
“Many swimmers will experience an involuntary bout of hyperventilation that can last up to three minutes,” the reporter continued. “And these daredevils won’t be wearing any protective clothing to combat the icy water. No wetsuits here, folks. Just bathing suits and bravery!”
Julie made a pot of coffee and popped a few pain relievers. She stood by the window, which looked out onto a deserted street. Hardly anyone was out this morning, as if the sullen gray sky had forbidden people from leaving their homes. Julie took a sip from her cup and gagged. Her stomach was a wreck. Every part of her hurt, and she couldn’t remember the last time she’d been in such a terrible mood.
She put the cup down and made a decision. She sent Finn a message, quoting one of her favorite In Like Lions’ songs, “Shallow Cars.”
That should be cryptic enough. In case she backed out.
Matthew Watkins thinks that occasional, in-the-privacy-of-your-own-home binge drinking is unfairly maligned in the media and romantic comedy chick flicks.
Finn Is God Can you always do something sometimes?
Julie Seagle I had a dream about starting a dating service for fish called solemate.com. In unrelated news, I will never drink again.
Julie looked around and wondered why everyone was smiling. This was not fun. It was sleeting now, and the wind had picked up. She looked down at her bare legs and questioned what she’d been thinking coming down to the beach. And the only bathing suit that crazy Dana owned was nothing but a small handful of fabric posing as a bikini. Julie felt like an idiot. At least other people in the Polar Plunge crowd looked just as silly, she supposed; the three guys with Red Sox logos painted on their chests, an elderly man in a cowboy hat, the mother dressed as a lobster, and a trio of teen boys dressed as leprechauns all stood out more than she did. Hopefully.
Damn, it was cold, and she wasn’t even in the water yet. Julie looked out at the ocean, the waves dark and ominous. Powerful. She didn’t understand the crowd’s enthusiasm for what they were about to do. It was a chore. A test. A way to prove something. It was scary and awful. But Julie needed to do this. She tried to focus, determined that she would not stop when her foot hit the water. What if she stopped breathing? Stopped moving? What if she panicked and her knees went weak? The force of the waves would push her below the surface, holding her down on the frozen ocean floor. That is not going to happen, she told herself. It was mobbed here. Someone would either see her fall or trip over her. She would just have to plow through the first cold shock. She’d run in and out of the water, and then it would be over. Just a few minutes out of her life.
That reporter had said something about involuntary hyperventilating. Yup. Julie was already involuntarily hyperventilating. And who the hell ever voluntarily hyperventilated?
Julie caught sight of a girl wearing a Princess Leia outfit and stared at her. Even in her foggy state, something was ringing a bell about this. In fact, screeching, horrible, major-panic kind of alarm bells started going off…
Suddenly the crowd rushed forward, and Julie found that she was running across the cold sand, her feet digging into rock. While she could vaguely hear the whoops and yells from other swimmers, mostly she heard the sound of her ragged, scared breathing. What had Finn said to her? As much as you’re terrified, you’re also starting to feel the rush, the thrill you get from being on the brink.
Julie ran harder, faster, yelling as she hit the ocean, but didn’t stop. The water stung her legs, then her waist, making her gasp and struggle for air. The cold was so jarring that she couldn’t make a sound. She thought about Finn again: It’s a calm like you’ve never known before, and you don’t want it to end.
She got it now. As she bent her legs and threw her whole body under water, she got what he meant. Her feet found the ground, and she pushed up, soaring back into the frigid air. She could swear she heard Finn call her name as she went under again. The way her body went numb so quickly was enthralling. Soothing. She was drawn into the sensation. Maybe she could just stay here, here in this euphoric ice water where it felt timeless and peaceful and clear? When she hit the surface again, she turned her back to the beach and stood silently as the salt water splashed against her.
Julie! Julie!
The sky was even darker now. Too dark to be only ten in the morning. The sleet continued to fall. It must be hurting her skin. Her body felt weightless and infallible, and that unfamiliar feeling was riveting. The allure of the deadening ocean was calling her again. She let her legs bend and watched transfixed as the skyline in front of her changed.
Julie!
Someone grabbed her arm. “Girl, you gotta get out. Come on.” A burly man took hold of her arm and pulled her up, stopping her from sinking. “Now. That’s it. Come on. Make yourself run.” Julie noticed he had long, gray hair that he wore in a ponytail the same way her grandfather did. And a full beard. Her legs were moving, but she sensed that she was not going fast enough. As if her steps were in slow motion. She watched fascinated as the man put his arm around her and effortlessly scooped her up. Why was he doing that?
Julie!
The man carried her from the water, then across the sand. “You’ll be OK. You just froze up. First time, huh?”
“Yes,” she whispered.
The man set her down on her feet, and she leaned forward into a thick blanket. She knew this blanket. The smell and the texture felt like home. As someone swaddled her up in the softness, her body began to shake violently.
“Oh my God, Julie! What were you doing?” She also knew that voice.
“Matt? Did you see me?” she asked without looking up. Her voice sounded far off.
“Yeah. I saw you,” Matt said. He did not sound happy.
“Did you see Santa Claus too?”
“That wasn’t Santa Claus. That was one of the L Street Brownies who rescued you from certain death. It was considerate of him, after you crashed their event.” Matt tightened the blanket around her and started furiously rubbing her back and her arms. “We have to get you warmed up. Dummy. Hey, can you get her sweatpants and socks and boots on? Hurry.”
Julie felt someone lift up her foot. “I saw you, too, and I thought you were brilliant! Really stupendous!”
“Celeste?” Julie tried to turn her head. Matt had covered her so thoroughly with the blanket that she couldn’t see a thing.
“I’m here!” Celeste said excitedly. “I’m attending to your blue feet!”
Julie’s skin felt as if it were burning. “Why are you here? How?” she asked Matt. Her teeth were chattering wildly.
She stood there shivering helplessly, fully aware that she was practically naked. Damn Dana’s bikini. At least she was too cold to blush. Matt didn’t say anything as he dropped the blanket for a quick moment, pulling a long-sleeved shirt and then a thick sweatshirt over her head. Wow. He looked exceedingly pissed off. She let him swaddle her in the blanket again and wrap his arms around her as he tried to get her body temperature back to normal.
“Finn figured it out. He sent me to get you,” he whispered into her ear. “What the hell were you thinking? We could see you standing out there in the ocean, not moving. You’re lucky you’re not dead. God damn it, Julie. Why would you do that? Why are you here and not in California with your father?” He sounded unreasonably mad.
Julie dropped her head forward and leaned into him. Her toes throbbed. She couldn’t control the way her body was trembling. “Because he’s a jerk, and I’m a liar.” She felt herself choke on a sob. And then she couldn’t stop.
Matt didn’t say anything, but he kept rubbing her back. Celeste moved behind her and pressed her body against Julie’s, hugging her tightly, so that she was pinned between brother and sister. They stayed like that for a few moments, the numbing effect of the cold beginning to wear off and the deep pain setting in.
“Please don’t cry, Julie. You were simply wonderful out there,” Celeste said.
“She was not wonderful, Celeste. She was a dope,” Matt said. “But we’re glad you’re OK. You are OK, aren’t you? I mean… physically?”
Julie nodded. Fine, he obviously thought that mentally she was whacked. She knew her crying was making Matt uncomfortable. At least her hangover was significantly less prominent now. The upside to near death. She turned her head to the side and saw the girl in the Princess Leia getup again. Something flashed through her mind. A fuzzy blip…
Uh-oh.
She closed her eyes. Thank God she still had her face hidden. “Matt?”
“Yeah?”
“Did we talk on the phone last night?”
He paused. “We did.”
Oh, no. Julie was starting to remember.
This was unbelievable. Maybe she was making this up. “Did I ask you…?” She swallowed hard. “Did I ask you if you were a skilled lover?”
Matt cleared his throat and paused again. “You did.”
Celeste burst out laughing.
Julie tucked her head down lower. “Sorry.”
“Let’s get you into the car. It should still be warm.”
“Celeste, can you grab my bag?” Julie pointed from under the blanket to the benches on the other side of the beach.
“Absolutely. Hey, Julie?”
“Yeah, kiddo?”
“I’m glad that you’re here.” Celeste beamed. “Home.”
“Me too.”
“Meet us at the car, OK?” Matt stepped away from Julie and turned her in the direction of the street.
Her feet were regaining some feeling. She pulled the blanket more tightly around her shoulders and let Matt guide her across the beach. “So, Matt,” she started and looked up at him, smiling. “Last night? What was your answer?”
“I’m not going to tell you. Now maybe you won’t drink so much again.”
Julie sighed. “Believe me. Lesson learned.”
Matt got her into the front seat and cranked up the heat. Celeste bounded into the car with Julie’s bag, and they started the drive home. Periodically, Julie shuddered as sharp chills ran through her, and she held her hands in front of the lukewarm vents and rubbed them together.
Matt frowned and fiddled with the controls, finally hitting the dashboard. “Come on! Come on, you piece of crap!” He slammed his hand down again.
“It’s all right. Calm down. I’m warming up,” Julie insisted.
“No, you’re not fine.” Matt sounded angry again. “That was a stupid thing to do. It was reckless. Seriously, what would possess you?”
Julie leaned back. “I don’t care. I’m glad I did it.”
“It’s called a plunge. It’s not a stand-in-the-dangerously-cold-water-and-stare-fixedly-at-nothing event. A plunge means exactly that. You plunge in and get the hell out. Not that you should have even been doing that.”
“Yes, sir.”
“I’m not fooling around, Julie. That was stupid. Stupid.” He hit the gas and passed a few cars.
“Slow down, Matt!” Julie said hoarsely. “You’re going to get a ticket.”
“I’ll drive as fast as I want. The quicker we get you home, the quicker you can warm up.”
“Why don’t you just take me back to Dana’s? Turn left up here.”
“Is that where you’ve been staying?” He shook his head, looking exasperated with her. “No. I am not taking you back to Dana’s. Who knows what other trouble you’ll get yourself into?”
“Matt! I can stay wherever I want to. I’m an adult.”
“You’re not acting like it.”
“Why do you care where I stay?”
“Ah, a lovers’ quarrel,” Celeste said dreamily from the back seat.
“Shut up!” Julie and Matt yelled together.
Trying to ignore his driving for the rest of the ride home was the only thing keeping her sane right now. God, he was so grouchy sometimes. Temperamental. She couldn’t keep up with his moods.
He pulled into the driveway and opened her door, moving to help her get out.
“I can walk just fine,” she said, although her legs were noticeably shaking. She batted him away.
“Forgive me for not wanting you to collapse on the pavement,” he said.
Julie shuffled behind him and Celeste as they walked up the front steps and watched Matt struggle with the finicky front lock. “Wait a minute.” She turned back to the car and then looked at Celeste. “Where’s Flat Finn?”
Matt froze and also turned to his sister.
Celeste clapped her hand over her mouth. “Oh! He’s in the car.” She started to walk back down the steps and stopped.
Julie looked at Matt and saw it register with him too. “No, Celeste,” he said softly. “He’s not.” The surprise in his voice was obvious. “Flat Finn is not in the car. We forgot.”
Celeste kept her back to them and squeezed her hands.
Matt continued. “We left the house so fast that we forgot.”
“I never forget. Never,” she said.
Julie shivered. She realized that Celeste had not only left the house, but had gone all the way to South Boston, gathered Julie from the beach, and returned home. All without Flat Finn. And all in a more relaxed—and even joyous—state than Julie had ever seen her. “Celeste, I don’t think you forgot. I think you didn’t need him today.”
“That is not fair to him!”
Matt moved toward his sister, but Julie grabbed his arm. She didn’t want him to rescue her again. “Kiddo? You can take a day off when you want. So can he. It’s not a big deal. Some things you need to do without him.”
“Besides, it’s sleeting and awful out today.” He was clearly trying hard to sound nonchalant. “He would have hated the trip.”
Celeste unclenched her fists. “I imagine that he would have.”
“Speaking of sleet, you need to come in the house, Celeste.” Matt got the door lock to open. “Or I’ll have two icicle girls to attend to.”
Celeste whipped around, her long blond curls sparkling from the sleet. “We wouldn’t want to overwhelm you, now, would we? Two feeble, dim-witted females such as Julie and I couldn’t possibly take care of our delicate bodies. We might have to be carried to the fainting room and revived with smelling salts.” She walked back up the stairs and into the house.
Matt looked at Julie, dumbfounded. “Did she just roll her eyes at me?”
“Yes,” she said, pleased. “Yes, she did.”
“Why don’t you go take a hot shower, and I’ll start a fire.”
Thirty minutes later Julie was bundled up in long underwear and fleece. She scooted closer to the fireplace and stuck her toes as near to the heat as she could without igniting her socks. Matt jabbed a log with an iron poker, sending sparks flying.
“Thanks for the soup,” Julie said.
“I’m gifted with a can opener. What can I say?”
“Still. Thank you. And for the water and the orange juice. I feel a little better.”
“Good. I’ll order dinner tonight from that Vietnamese place you like. You’ll be back to normal in no time.”
“The fire feels nice. How come you guys don’t light more? You have all these beautiful fireplaces in the house.”
He threw another log onto the already high flames. “Mom doesn’t like the smell much. Since she’s not here, I thought I’d take advantage. The house will air out by the time she gets back.”
“Where are your parents? They can’t be working today.”
“They went up to Stowe for a few days. Vermont. We have a house there,” he explained.
“They didn’t bring you and Celeste,” she said softly.
He shook his head. “No, they did not. What about you? What happened with your father and California?”
“He canceled the trip. And then he blew me off for dinner last night.”
“I can’t believe you spent Christmas alone. Why didn’t you tell us? You should have stayed here. My parents are going to be furious with you.”
Julie shrugged. “I don’t know. It’s embarrassing. Don’t tell Erin and Roger, please? And Finn. Especially don’t tell him.”
“Julie, you kind of already told him. I think you have brain damage from that dip in the Atlantic.”
“Oh. I did, didn’t I?” Julie reached behind her and grabbed a pillow so she could lie down. “How did Finn know where I was?”
“I don’t know. He said something about a song. That all you need is the water. Then something about freeing yourself. Finn insisted that while you wouldn’t skydive, you might do something like hurl yourself into the Atlantic to prove a point. So I got my mission. As I’ve said before, I just follow orders around here.”
So much for her cryptic quote. She propped herself up on her arm. “I might skydive.”
“Sure you would.”
“I might,” she insisted and flopped back down. “With the right person. Depends what you mean by skydive.”
Matt laughed. “What are you talking about?”
“Nothin’. Hey, Matt?”
“Yeah?”
“I’m sorry your parents left you here alone. That’s not very nice.”
Matt jabbed the fire with an iron poker. “No, it’s not very nice, is it? And I’m sorry your dad left you alone. That’s also not very nice.”
“Thanks.” Julie closed her eyes. She was exhausted.
“Tired, huh? Why don’t you sleep for a while?”
She heard Matt get up to draw the curtains and then felt him cover her with a wool blanket. Matt is so consistently inconsistent, she thought sleepily. He is always catching me and wrapping me up, and then being evasive and annoying me and then feeding me soup, and then snapping, and then talking about fonts and equations…It was hard to think anymore.
Julie yawned. “Did you call Dana?”
“Not yet. I will.”
The heat from the fire warmed her face. “Thanks for getting me, Matty. I’m sorry,” she mumbled.
“Of course. It’s not a problem.”
Julie wasn’t sure, but as the fatigue took over and pulled her into unconsciousness, she thought she felt a hand gently brush the hair from her face. And she thought she heard someone whisper lyrics about being broken, running too far, following the wheels that make your heart move, riding the wave…
But she was probably already dreaming. Because even though she could feel him, Finn wasn’t here with her.
PART THREE