CHAPTER 26
Matt pushed past Julie and carried Celeste up to her room. Julie followed them but heard the bedroom door shut before she had even reached the landing.
Flat Finn. He was still in the car. She raced outside and returned with the messenger bag. Outside Celeste’s room, Julie fumbled with the zipper and hoped that this would help a bit. She set Flat Finn onto the carpet and slowly started the process of unfolding him, carefully securing each hinge in the open position. She rubbed her arm across her eyes and moved Flat Finn to standing. As the sobs from behind the door grew louder and more pained, Julie bit her lip and looked at Flat Finn, imagining that the real Finn was there, about to comfort his sister and make this hell disappear.
You have to come home. You have to come home, she repeated to herself. I know damn well that this is about more than just missing you, but you have to come home for her.
Julie slumped to the floor and pulled her legs in, dropping her head down and rhythmically rocking her body. It seemed an eternity until Celeste’s moans subsided, and she could hear Matt’s voice comforting her.
The door opened, and Julie jerked her head up. “Matt? Oh, God. I don’t know what—”
He held his hand up. “Don’t say anything to me. She wants to talk to you.”
She stood up and delicately lifted Flat Finn. He looked so fragile now with all of the hinges. Like a puzzle that had been taped together. Just like Celeste. She walked past Matt and into the bedroom, setting Flat Finn down next to the bed. A head full of blond curls rolled over, and Celeste reached her hand out. Julie took it in her own and knelt down. “I’m so sorry. This is all my fault.” She fought to keep back tears as she brushed the hair from Celeste’s face.
“I am much better now.” Her voice was surprisingly calm. “Julie, you have nothing to be sorry for. I do. I need to apologize to you.”
“What? What could you possibly have to apologize for?”
“I let you down. You must be horribly disappointed in me.”
“Never. You could never disappoint me. You were so brave. Braver than I am. I just pushed too hard.”
“No, you did not.” Celeste pulled her blanket up. “You didn’t. I wanted to go.”
“I know you did. But I made a mistake. It wasn’t the right time. Too many hinges too soon.”
Celeste yawned and looked at Flat Finn. “No. The hinges are debonair, but folded-up, hidden Finn is not always the same. Especially at night. The night appears to be the hardest for me without him. For now. He makes me feel better, Julie. I understand that his sort is not for everybody, but I find him comforting.”
Julie nodded. “I know. I find his sort comforting too, if you can believe it.”
“I do. Now, I must get some sleep. Please tell Matty that I really am less convoluted. I am significantly calmer.”
“I will.” Julie leaned in and hugged Celeste tightly. “I’ll see you in the morning.” She let herself out, blowing kisses from the doorway as though she were tucking in a small child.
Matt was leaning against the wall in the hallway, his expression icy and distant. “Stay away from me. I can’t deal with you right now.”
“Matt…” Julie pleaded.
“I swear to God, don’t talk to me now. Don’t.”
“I’m so sorry. You have no idea.”
“I don’t want to hear it. I don’t want to hear anything from you.”
“Matt, you know I love Celeste, and I would never have done anything to hurt her.”
“Well, you did.”
“If you would just let me explain again why—”
“You don’t stop, do you? You want to get into this? Fine. Let’s get into it. You thought you could just show up here and insinuate yourself into our lives? You can’t. And you also can’t act like I’m the bad guy. Like everything I do for her is somehow totally brainless.” He moved so that he was facing her, placing his body inches from hers. “I’ve busted my ass to keep Celeste in a stable place, and you just ruined it. You ruined her. God, Julie. You’re here for a few months, and you think that you know what is right for Celeste? Nobody asked you to fix anything. You can’t.” He ran his hands through his hair as he continued to unleash on her. “You can’t change this. And your constant reminders that you think we’re all completely crazy are not helpful. Do you get that? What is wrong with you? Don’t you have your own life to attend to? Or is this how you make yourself feel better about your crappy father, huh? You excuse the way he treats you for no good reason, and you love him based on nothing more than a few lousy e-mails a year.”
His words cut deeply. “That’s not fair.” Julie felt herself breathing hard as she tried to deal with his anger. His disgust.
“It is fair. And Celeste is not your job. We’re not your job. We’re not your family.”
“I know that. I never…I never said you were.” Julie knew her lip was trembling, but she was not going to cry in front of Matt again.
“And you know what the most unbelievable part of this is? I listened to you! I knew better, and yet I let you barrel ahead and do what you wanted anyway. I’m the one to blame for what happened tonight.”
Julie shook her head. “No, Matt. I know I did this. I’m sorry. Please know that. I couldn’t possibly feel worse. But don’t you see that Celeste can’t spend the rest of her life avoiding the real world? And neither can you.”
“Why not, huh?” He was still shouting, and Julie winced with each word. “The real world sucks for her.”
“What about for you?”
“Sometimes, yes.”
“So when are you going to start living, Matt?” Now she was the one screaming. “You’re taking the easy way out. You use Celeste as an excuse to do nothing except drown in theories and calculations. You bury yourself online and—”
“You’re one to talk about burying oneself online.” His laugh had a nasty, horrible tone. “I’m taking the easy way out? I’m not fawning over someone I’ve never met, someone who isn’t even here. You’re the one playing it safe because you’re too afraid of something real.”
“Don’t go there,” Julie said sharply.
“Now who’s the one with boundaries, huh?” He started walking back and forth. “When it comes to Celeste, you don’t even know what you’re dealing with, so stay out of it.”
“No, I don’t know what I’m dealing with. I don’t understand anything, because none of you will tell me! Why are your parents never here?” she exploded. “Why does she have Flat Finn? Why won’t you tell me?”
“I can’t, Julie! I just can’t! It’s none of your business. How many times do you have to hear it?”
She looked helplessly at Matt. She’d never seen him like this. “OK. OK. I’m done.” She held her hands up. “I’m out of it. I just…I just wanted to help. I shouldn’t have.” She was quieter now, giving in. “You’re right. You handle this however you want.”
“Obviously, Julie, you don’t like the way I do things, and you don’t like me the way I am. Fine. I couldn’t care less. But stop trying to change me. You don’t get to pick which parts of me you find acceptable and throw away what you don’t. I’ll never be what you want. You don’t like me? Then stay out of my life.”
She was so confused. This conversation was all over the place, and she didn’t even know what was happening. “How could you say that? I do like you, Matt.”
He turned away and walked toward his room. “I’m exhausted. You’re exhausting me.”
“Matt, please—”
“Go to hell, Julie.”
Frozen, Julie could not move from her spot in the hall. She could barely breathe. What had happened? How could Matt have said all those things?
Maybe she had been pushy and nosy and should have left things alone. Just because she was staying in their house didn’t mean she had the right to meddle into their affairs. Truly, her intention had never been to be intrusive or disrespectful. But she obviously had. Her professor had pointed this out to her too. Why do you have to be the fixer?
She didn’t. She shouldn’t. She was just a guest here. A boarder, a babysitter, a driver.
Eventually she found herself in her room, lying on top of the blankets, unable to sleep. Finn’s room felt different now, empty and lonely. Her emotions were on overload, and the sounds of Celeste’s cries and Matt’s awful words echoed in her head.
He could be right about her father. It was true that she had given him far too many chances, only for him to prove over and over again that he was a dreadful parent. He had never given her any real reason to love him. But she had.
It was different with Finn, though. Matt was wrong about him. He did care about her.
She checked the clock. It was almost four in the morning. The night had been so peaceful until that phone call. Now everything was in shambles.
After another forty-five minutes of anxiety-ridden attempts to sleep, she gave up. She checked her computer, and there were no messages from Finn. Of all the times for him to disappear. Her heart ached. She missed him and needed him now. Summer couldn’t come fast enough. Finn would be here, and he’d stay here. And Celeste would be better. Maybe not completely, but she would be better.
Roaming the room and staring out the window at the night sky got her nowhere. She couldn’t tolerate this. She hated fighting. It made clear thought impossible for her. Everything was in chaos.
Julie left her room and went into the dark hallway. She hesitated for a moment before she knocked lightly. There was no response. She couldn’t stop herself and opened the door anyway. “Matt?”
Julie walked softly across the floor and sat down on the edge of his bed. “Matty,” she said.
The moonlight was enough that she could see he was awake, just not answering her. He was on his back, one hand folded under his head and the other resting on his chest. He turned to look at her. At least he looked as miserable as she felt.
“I’m sorry. Please. You have to forgive me.” Her voice was breaking. She knew that she was on the verge of falling apart, but she couldn’t help it. “I’m so sorry. I’m so sorry,” she kept repeating. “Matty, please. You can’t be this mad at me. I can’t take it.” Julie leaned forward, dropping her head onto his chest and slipping her arms under his shoulders, trying to make him hold her. The Matt she’d seen earlier tonight had been a stranger. She hugged him tightly, wanting nothing more than for him to come back to her, to be himself again.
A few minutes passed, and then she felt his hand on the back of her head, gently stroking her hair. She closed her eyes.
“Shhh…” he said. “I’m the one who’s sorry. I didn’t mean any of the things I said to you. You didn’t deserve that.”
Julie turned her head, resting her cheek against him and listening to his breathing. His voice was soothing, his touch relaxing, and Julie’s pain began to lighten a hint. She didn’t know what to say, so she said nothing, staying where she was as his hand continued to move through her hair and then to her back. He lulled her into a place where nothing hurt anymore, and this whole dreadful evening started to feel like a nightmare that she was coming out of. His stroke traveled over the straps of her tank top, brushing against her skin, making her shiver and curl into him more.
“I was awful,” he continued. “Your relationship with your father is none of my business. Of course you love him, and you have every right to. What I said was unforgivable.” Matt was sincerely upset. She could hear it. “You’re the best thing to happen to Celeste. She was lost before you got here. As if she didn’t belong anywhere. You’re saving her. I never should have said what I did.”
“No, I pushed her too much,” Julie said quietly. “And you. It won’t happen again.”
“You’ve been perfect. I wish I could tell you everything, but I can’t. Not yet.”
“I know. That’s all right.” She kept her tight hold around him, as if letting go might break his absolution, and he would again let loose with more cruel blame.
The rush and tension from their earlier scene had started to wane, and she was feeling drowsy, settled into a postfight haze. Like she’d been drugged with relief.
The air felt chilly, and his touch was giving her goose bumps. Julie shivered again.
“Cold?” he asked.
“Yeah. A little.”
As Matt moved his legs over in the bed, she eased in next to him, sliding under the blanket, onto her side and into the crook of his arm. His hand was still on her back, his fingertips starting to trace the curve of her shoulder blade, moving up to brush the nape of her neck, then traveling up and down her arm. She took his free hand in hers, intertwining their fingers, and squeezed.
He squeezed back.
“So we’re still friends?” she asked.
“Yes,” he said after a moment. “We’re still friends.”
He didn’t hate her. They were fine. Celeste would be fine. This would all work out, and there was no irrevocable damage. Nothing else mattered.
Now fatigue took over and Julie yawned. She was so completely tired and so emotionally spent. The night had drained her of any ability to reason, but she felt peaceful for the moment, grounded. Eventually Matt’s touch against her skin slowed, and his breathing changed, and she knew that he’d fallen asleep. It was impossible to fight the heaviness that was drawing at her now, so she let the sound of his slumber pull her into her own.
Later—still in his arms, her hand still in his—she stirred.
She felt him lightly kiss the top of her head and say something. He was so quiet that she could barely hear him.
Julie sleepily tilted her head up.
“God, I’m so sorry, Julie,” he said.
“Me too.”
And then without realizing it, without thinking, she inched up just a little until her mouth was close to his. She had no idea what she was doing, as though she were following some instinct that she couldn’t control. Maybe she was still asleep. Maybe this wasn’t happening. She moved a tiny bit closer, barely touching her lips to his. His mouth was warm and tempting, luring her in. Neither of them moved.
Then his hand was firmly on her side, guiding her body up higher and bringing her mouth closer to his. Matt pressed his lips against hers, and he kissed her.
His mouth was soft and unhurried. Teasing, even. His tongue just brushing hers and making her tremble. She kissed back, tasting him, breathing him in. Julie was dizzy and shaky and inundated with his heat. He made her temporarily lost, not able to see beyond the way this kiss felt. In the moonlit light, it was smooth, easy, instinctive. She moved her leg over his, bringing them closer together.
She couldn’t possibly be awake.
Her chest was pressed against his, his hand on her lower back, his fingers digging into her skin. She didn’t want this to stop. She moved one hand to the back of his neck, kissing him harder.
But then Matt tightened his hand around hers before gently resting his head back onto the pillow. He pushed the hair from her face and tucked it behind her ear. Julie didn’t move for a second. This was nuts. She lowered her body and nestled back into his chest. As bleary-eyed, stunned, and out-of-it as she was, part of her knew that she should get up and go back to her room. Even though that was the last thing that she wanted to do. And part of her knew that what had just happened was unexplainable. It must be a dream.
It had to be.
But she didn’t care too much, at least for right now, because the horrible rift between them was healed. That was the most important thing.
I should go, she told herself. I’m supposed to leave. Julie shut her eyes. Why don’t I want to leave? Why don’t I want to leave?
But she simply couldn’t stay awake long enough to persuade herself to get out of his bed. Julie surrendered to sleep, letting her body shape against Matt’s as he held her closely.