CHAPTER 18
Matthew Watkins is brought to you today by the Second Law of Thermodynamics and the letter Qua.
Finn Is God I put my pants on one leg at a time, just like everyone else. It’s the way I take them OFF that makes me better than you.
Julie Seagle Why is luge a sport? You dress up like a giant sperm and go sledding really fast. That’s hardly athletic. Phallic and sexy, yes. But hardly athletic.
“Julie! Julie!” Celeste’s voice carried from the second floor down to the kitchen.
Julie calmly took another bite of cereal and set her phone on the table. She was exhausted, having stayed up until nearly three in the morning IMing with Finn, but she’d gone ahead with her plan for the day anyway. There was no sense in waiting any longer.
“Julie!” Celeste stomped down the stairs, and Julie tried not to flinch as she heard her enter the room.
“Yes? What is it?” She kept her eyes on the newsprint.
“I do not find this amusing.”
“You don’t find what amusing? The fact that you avoid using contractions when you get worked up?”
“Julie, I would like you to take this seriously. I have concerns about your flippant tone. Your behavior is unnerving.”
Julie finally looked up. Celeste stood beside Flat Finn, and while his expression hadn’t changed, she wore a decidedly irked expression. “Which behavior would that be?”
“You’ve affixed this unfunny note to Flat Finn’s mouth. As though he is expressing a thought.”
“He thinks it’s funny.”
“He is not a cartoon, and we find it disrespectful.”
“He doesn’t find it disrespectful.”
“How do you know what Flat Finn thinks?” Celeste demanded.
“I spend quite a bit of time with him, in case you hadn’t noticed. I can sense these things.”
Celeste frowned and examined the bubble-style note written on bright yellow paper that was stuck by Flat Finn’s mouth. “I do not even understand what this note is supposed to mean. I seek a flexibility transformation!!!”
“He’s rather stiff, don’t you think? I suspect Flat Finn would appreciate not having his head smacked against the trunk of the car every time he has to go in or out. And perhaps he’d like to sit in a chair properly without having to lean at sharp angles.” Julie shrugged and looked back at her newspaper. “He’s crying out for help, and I think we should give it to him. He’s been suffering in silence for too long now, aching to be bendy and to conform to standard furniture. Plus, I think he wants to take a Pilates class.”
“There is that flippant tone again,” Celeste said. “Although you might have a point. However, you could have conveyed your enthusiasm for this idea with the use of only one exclamation point. Three is overkill. What would this flexibility transformation involve?”
As Julie outlined the idea, Celeste stared back, expressionless.
“I will consider this option and get back to you.” Celeste proudly raised Flat Finn off the floor and marched out of the room.
“Take your time,” Julie murmured. “There’s only a lifetime of good mental health at stake here.”
Julie pushed out the blade from the utility knife and repositioned Flat Finn on the thick towel that she’d spread out on the kitchen floor. “Inhale and exhale, Celeste. Inhale and exhale.”
“Flat Finn is having second thoughts! Flat Finn is having second thoughts!”
“Flat Finn is not having second thoughts.”
“You are going to cut him into two pieces,” Celeste said in a severely accusing tone. “That is a rather monumental injury.”
“It’s not an injury. It’s a modification. I agree that it’ll be pretty creepy for a few moments. He will indeed be in two pieces. But I swear to God that I’m going to put him back together.” Julie held up the hardware that she’d bought the day before. “See these hinges? They’ll hold him together, just like we talked about. Then he can bend at the waist. He can even fold in half, which is a damn good party trick if you ask me.”
“Flat Finn does not attend parties.”
“He might after this.” Julie pushed the metal ruler against the cardboard and checked the cutting line again. She poised the blade at the edge of the cutout. “You ready?”
Celeste moved away from Julie. “I think that I will stay on this side of the room and turn my back to you.”
“Fine,” Julie agreed. “Why don’t you talk to him while I work.”
“Talk to him about what exactly?”
“Reassure him. Tell him everything will be peachy. That he’ll be happier in the long run. Stuff like that. OK, here I go.” Julie pressed the knife into Flat Finn’s waistline and etched a cut across the width. “Start talking, Celeste!” She began to retrace the line, sinking the blade deeper into the cardboard.
“This is a great day to increase limberness!” Celeste yelled unconvincingly. “Think of all of the things you will be able to achieve, Flat Finn!”
“He’s doing great. Keep going,” Julie encouraged.
“Um…It was stupid Julie’s idea, and so you will hold her responsible if this surgery ends in tragedy!”
“Very funny. Try again. Tell him that this is an important and necessary step in his development. That he will thank you for helping him fit in with others. This is a challenging time, but you are here for him and will get him through this.” Julie finished the cut and separated Flat Finn into two parts. OK, even she had to admit that this was pretty freaky. “There!”
“You did it? He has been divided?” Celeste’s voice trembled. “Hurry. Julie, hurry. Please!”
“I am. Don’t look.” She grabbed the screwdriver and a set of hinges. “Your boy here needs to know that you support this step, Celeste.”
“OK, OK…Flat Finn? I support this modification?”
Julie could hear Celeste pacing at the other end of the room. “With a little more conviction, please.”
“I support this modification!”
“You will be his pillar of strength!” Julie prompted.
“That is a vile cliché, and I will not say that.”
“Then come up with your own phrases,” Julie said as she continued screwing in the silver hinges.
“This is difficult. I cannot think of the appropriate thing to say.” Celeste let out a frustrated, guttural sound that made Julie flinch. “Help me. You talk to him.”
“Oh, Flat Finn, my dear. This is nothing to get all stressed out about. I realize that you’re having an understandably nervous reaction to this simple procedure. Just because you want this doesn’t mean it’s easy. You’re doing very well. Much less complaining than most flat people. Really. I’m quite impressed.”
“Julie, hurry up. You have to hurry up.”
“Almost done, kiddo. Just one more minute, and…Ta da!” Julie rolled back on her knees and examined her work. Not bad for someone who could barely identify most tools. “Want to see him?” She lifted Flat Finn to a standing position and turned the small semicircular dial that she had put on the back to prevent him from collapsing in half at inappropriate times.
Celeste turned around and eyed Flat Finn warily. After a few moments, her face softened. “Actually, I quite like his appearance. It’s as though he’s wearing a belt buckle. You might have selected gold, but the silver isn’t terrible.”
“Yay! You have some contractions back and an added concern for fashion.”
“Do I really do that? The thing with the contractions? No one has ever mentioned that.”
“You do. It’s sort of cute sometimes. You sound like Matt. But you might want to ease up on it. It’d make you sound more relaxed and casual. Comfortable.”
“I will try to pay more attention to my speech. I mean, I’ll try.”
Julie bent Flat Finn forward and back a few times at the waist. “Look! He’s exercising. Or practicing to pick up pennies off the sidewalk. Oh my God, he’s a cheapskate, isn’t he? What a loathsome quality.”
“He is not a cheapskate.” Celeste cracked a smile. “He is conservative. Thoughtful.”
“Yeah? Christmas is coming up. I expect big things.” Julie brushed a smudge off his arm. “If this hinge deal works out, maybe we can add more later? At the arms, legs, neck?”
Celeste examined the spot that Julie had wiped off. “Let’s not get ahead of ourselves.”
“Come on. Let’s take him for a test run. Follow me.”
“Where are we going?”
“Just follow me.” Julie led the way up to the second floor, with Celeste and Flat Finn close behind her. She knocked on Matt’s open door. “Hello! You have visitors!”
As usual, he was seated in front of his laptop. “Hey.” Matt looked tired, but his eyes widened as Celeste toted Flat Finn into the room. “What’s going on here?”
“Flat Finn has expanded his repertoire of possible poses.” Julie took Flat Finn from Celeste’s hands and sat him up on Matt’s bed. “Now you two can hang out and shoot the breeze without feeling socially uncomfortable because you’re sitting while he’s always standing.”
Matt eyed the figure on his bed. “Yes, this will be significantly less socially uncomfortable. Celeste, you’re fine with this? This, um, alteration?”
“I am. What do you think Dad will say?”
Julie sat at the foot of the bed. “It should be the first thing he hears when he gets back from his trip tonight. He’ll be proud of Flat Finn. And so will your mom.”
“If she notices,” Matt added in a soft singsong tone.
“So perhaps,” Julie started hesitantly, “you’d be willing to hang out with Flat Finn once in a while if Celeste and I want to go out by ourselves and do girl stuff?”
Celeste stiffened. “Wait, you never said—”
“Just assessing the options now available,” Julie said. “You could do that, right, Matt? Should the need arise?”
“I guess I could do that,” Matt agreed, doing a less than spectacular job of hiding his reluctance. “What’s the pay rate?”
Julie smirked. “There is a sliding scale dependent on your enthusiasm. So far, you are at the rate of a penny per hour.”
Celeste crossed her arms. “Are you two done entertaining yourselves?”
“I didn’t realize we had started.” Matt got up from his seat. “You ready for lunch, Celeste?”
“Sure. Will you make egg-and-cheese sandwiches?”
Matt nodded and walked by Julie. “Whatever you want.”
“Matt!” Julie hissed.
He turned back, confused. “What?”
Julie tossed her hands up. “Nothing.”
She hung back in Matt’s room while they went downstairs. God, she had just made a step in the right direction with this hinge thing, and here was Matt acting as if his sister were six years old. Seriously, Celeste could make herself lunch. Way to inspire confidence, Matt.
Would someone let this kid grow up, already?