Where I Belong

He pushes me out of the way and bends down, picking up the scattered pieces. “What did you do?” I open my mouth to speak but he cuts me off. “You broke it. It’s ruined. Why are you even in here? I’ve told you never to come in my room.”

I step back, holding my hands out in front of me. “I’m so sorry. Tessa asked me to grab it and I tripped.”

He throws the pieces of the stereo against the wall. “Stay away from my stuff! Get out! God, I hate you! I hate you!”

I dart out of the room, through the house, and back outside. Tessa sits up and studies my empty hands, tilting her head.

“Where’s the stereo?”

“Your brother’s home. I broke it. He’s really angry.”

Her mouth drops open. “Uh oh.”

“Tessa!” Ben’s voice booms out the sliding glass door I haven’t closed.

We both wince and run for our lives.

I sigh, clearing that God awful memory from my head. That was the last time I stepped foot in Ben’s room. I understood his anger at the time, but it was an accident. And I felt so bad about it, I saved up my allowance and used the money to buy him a new stereo. But that didn’t matter. Not to Ben. He still acted like my very existence pissed him off. And that attitude continued until I moved away nine years ago.

My existence doesn’t seem to bother him now.

I make myself a cup of coffee, moving to stand in front of the sliding glass door as I stir in my creamer. Ben is in the pool with Nolan, pushing him around on a boogie board. He seems like a natural father, and seeing him with Nolan does things to me. Things that I try to ignore. He holds on to Nolan’s hand so he can stand up on the board and pretend he is surfing. They are both smiling at each other, and watching him share this moment with his son shows Ben in a completely new light. It distances him from the Ben I remember from years ago even more. I don’t want to be intrigued by this Ben, but I am. My brain is screaming at me to stay away from him, but the way my body reacts in his presence is becoming harder to ignore. Hell, I practically came in his arms yesterday at the dam. That would’ve been slightly embarrassing. He was barely touching me and I was whimpering like I’d actually die if he stopped. Thank God he spoke and snapped me out of my pathetic state. I really didn’t want to fall apart like that. I wanted him to keep his distance from me. Being in his presence felt dangerous. I didn’t trust my body around him. It seemed to betray me every chance it got. He didn’t even have to work to get me close to orgasm. Just stick him in my general vicinity and I’m immediately firing on all cylinders and holding the starter pistol in my hand with my finger on the trigger. Just pathetic.

I don’t even resist the urge to stare at him while he’s in the pool. It’s a battle I know I’d lose anyway so I might as well save my energy. The sun beams off his chest, and as he turns in the pool, I watch as the muscles of his back ripple with his movements. The dark ink of his tattoo seems to stand out even more in the sun and I want to be close to him. Close enough to study the design and read the words that are etched on his skin. His hair is wet and sticking up a bit, reminding me of the way it looked the other morning after our night together. There is no ignoring how attractive Ben is. And Nolan did resemble his dad, but I’d never label Ben as cute. He is ridiculously handsome, almost too good looking to be real. His words to me from yesterday keep playing on loop in my head. You are mine. He was so sure of himself, so certain that I found myself considering the possibility of actually being his. But I’ve hated him for so long, it seems impossible to let go of that emotion. Desiring someone and actually liking them are two completely separate things. And I can’t deny that I desire Ben. It is the whole liking thing that I’m having trouble with.

“Enjoying the morning view?”

I nearly drop my mug as Tessa comes barreling into my inner thoughts. “Jesus. You scared the crap out of me.” I glance over at her teasing smile, ignoring it as I take my first sip of my now cold coffee.

She waves at Nolan who does the same, smiling wide as he does it. Ben seems to only notice me and I try to ignore that also. “If I were to ask you how wet you were right now, what would you say?” Tessa inquires.

“My God. Is there any topic that’s off limits to you?”

She thinks it over for a moment, twirling her hair around her finger. “Nope.”

I step away from the door and sit down on the arm of the sofa. “Why didn’t you tell me Ben has a kid?”

She shrugs once. “I told you he isn’t the same guy he used to be.”

“Just because someone isn’t the same guy, doesn’t mean they have little dimpled lookalikes running around. Did you really think that was how I’d interpret that?”

She moves to the chair next to me and slumps down in it. “I figured you’d find out eventually, especially if you give Ben a chance and actually hang out with him, Little Miss Unwilling to Let Go of the Past.”

I ignore that last dig. “Where’s the mom in all this? I’m assuming considering what’s transpired over the past several days she isn’t in the picture?” I take another sip of my coffee, contemplating the idea of Ben being married to someone. My stomach rolls at the thought.

“Ugh, don’t get me started on that bitch.” She gathers her hair off her neck while I wait for her to elaborate. “She’s so bitter about not being with Ben that she uses that against him. They were never together. It was just a drunken hook up that she’s tried to make into something more, but because Ben isn’t interested, she gives him as little time as possible with Nolan. Shit is f*cked up.”

“That’s horrible. She shouldn’t be able to keep his own son from him.”

“Yeah, well, tell that to the freaking judge that gave her primary custody. Ben still gets to see him but not nearly as much as she does. And he should definitely get him more. He’s the better parent.” She pushes to her feet and pulls her phone out of her pocket. “I’m gonna run out for a little while. Wanna come?”

I stand and glance once more out the sliding glass door. “Nah, I’d better give my mom a call. See how she’s doing.” Tessa looks at me knowingly, silently communicating that she is here for me if I needed her. I never kept any details about my mom’s illness from her, and she and I spent several nights on the phone together, her just listening to my cries.

I walk back into my room and set my coffee mug on my dresser, swapping it for my phone. After three rings, my aunt’s voice comes through the other end.

“Hello?”

“Hi, Aunt Mae. How’s everything going? How is she?”

“She’s fantastic, Mia. Here, I’ll hand her the phone.”

I wait anxiously for my mother’s voice, and after only a few short seconds, I’m rewarded with it.

“Hi, sweetheart. How are you?” Her voice is strong and I can hear the smile behind it.

I can’t help the tears that fall down my cheeks but I keep my voice steady. “I’m so good, Mom. I miss you though.”

“I miss you too. How is everyone there? Are you and Tessa staying out of trouble?”

“Yes, of course. We haven’t done anything illegal yet.”

My mom’s laughter fills the phone, a sound I went several months without hearing when she was at her worst. “And her brother? Is he behaving himself around you?”