Chapter Fifteen
~Clare~
“There’s something wrong with him, Leah,” I said to her on the phone, while continuing to slice vegetables for a salad.
“What do you mean?” she asked.
“His mood, it’s all over the place. He’s been distant, making excuses and staying at his place for several nights in a row. And then he’ll show up out of the blue and practically attack me on the doorstep, like he’s afraid I’ll disappear,” I explained, throwing the remainder of the carrots into the bowl.
At first I thought it might be work, maybe he was just stressed. I was dating a doctor. They had stressful jobs, right? But this was something else entirely. The longer he acted this way, the more worried I became.
“When did it start?” Leah questioned. I could hear her at a checkout stand, the familiar sound of items being rung up, and her speaking to a clerk as she paid. Clearly she was buying her contribution to today’s cookout.
“Right after we got back from New York. He got a call when we landed at the airport and he’s been distracted and moody ever since. He usually shares his entire schedule with me, but now I don’t know where he is most of the time, except when he’s at work, and he doesn’t answer many of my calls. You don’t think he’s changed his mind, do you?” I asked, biting my lip in worry.
“About what? You? No. That man is head over heels in love with you. You can just flip a switch like that,” she assured me.
I nodded, even though she couldn’t see me. I set down the knife and dumped the rest of the vegetables into the bowl. Today, Logan and I were hosting our first cookout together. I had brought up the idea when we got home from the wedding. He’d nodded absently, looking at something on his phone and said he thought it was a good idea, but hadn’t mentioned it since. It was a good idea, right? I wasn’t moving too fast, was I?
No, no...I was being ridiculous. He told me he loved me, and wanted to be with me forever. He wouldn’t change his mind all the sudden.
“I’m sure he’s just planning on proposing or something like that. Men get all sorts of weird when they decide to pop the question. Don’t you remember what Ethan was like the weeks before he asked you?”
Yes, I do. He was a nervous wreck. Fumbling and tripping over himself. If I had known that was what he was planning, and the reason he was such a nervous ball of energy, I would have just done it for him.
“You’re right. I’m sure it’s nothing,” I said, trying to convince myself.
“Exactly. Besides, men are known for having PMS symptoms occasionally. It’s like a scientific fact. So, it could just be his time of the month,” she teased, causing me to roll my eyes and laugh. But I silently thank her. I needed that. Even though I told her I agreed and it must be nothing, there was still a nagging feeling in the pit of my stomach that told me something was wrong. That soon, my world was going to come crashing down, again. And I didn’t know if I was strong enough to pick up the pieces again.
~Logan~
It was ironic how a single phone call can change your life. Some for the better, others for the worse. Clare, Maddie and I had stepped off that plane several weeks ago and I was elated. I had a plan. The ring was in my pocket, like a beacon and symbol for the rest of my life, and then my damn phone rang, and everything changed.
It took one moment for me to walk into that exam room that held Clare and Maddie and have my entire world changed. It took a single phone call for it to come crashing down like a pile of rubble.
“I bet you know how that feels, huh?” I asked the four foot granite slab my body was slumped against. It didn’t answer back. I took another swig from the half emptied body of amber colored whiskey I’d been working on since arriving here some time ago, feeling the liquid burn all the way down to my belly. I didn’t know what brought me to that specific spot, but after leaving the hospital, I didn’t know where else to go.
“I’m in love with your wife. Just thought you should know,” my words slurred and eyes were blurry as I tried focusing on the words in front of me.
Ethan Oliver Murray. Loving Husband, Father, Son. His grave laid before me, a living testament to the love he and Clare shared. The love she lost and grieved every f*cking day.
I pulled out the ring I had been carrying with me for weeks and held it to the light, watching it sparkle and flash, imagining how it would look on Clare’s finger. Knowing now, I would never know.
Logan, is there anyone we can call?
No, there’s no one.
Bringing the bottle to my lips again, I let out a harsh laugh, hating the irony of it all. How could fate hate us so much? What was the point of it all if it was supposed to end like this? Why show me how to love if I had to give it up?
“How did you do it, Ethan? How did you let her go?” I asked, hating the thought.
I don’t know what I expected to hear in return. All I got was silence. Nothing but f*cking silence.
I hadn’t come here for answers. I knew what I had to do. It would kill me, but I couldn’t put her through this. She deserved better.
She may hate me, but at least she’d never have to lose me like this, I thought, giving one final glance at Ethan’s final resting place.
~Clare~
It was really late when the knock on the door startled me awake. I rushed from the couch, throwing the blanket off my lap to open the door.
“Logan!” I cried, so happy to see his face.
He was dripping wet, rain pouring down his lean body, drenching his hair and clothes. I leaped into his arms, not caring about his water soaked state, needing to feel him, solid and safe in my arms.
“I’ve been so worried. I tried calling half a dozen times. Where have you been?” I rattled off a million questions, holding him tight.
The cookout had been over for hours and he had been a complete no show. Our first couple hosted event and I had to make excuses for him all night. When the evening wore on and he still wasn’t answering his phone, I became worried, and then worried turned into frantic. I called hospitals, and police departments and then finally fell asleep on the couch in tears, convinced he had left me for good.
His arms wrapped around me tightly, for one brief second, before pushing me away completely.
“I’m sorry, I had some things I needed to think about,” he answered coldly.
“Um, okay,” I stammered, “Why don’t we get you inside? Here, let me take your jacket.”
He handed over his leather jacket, completely drenched with rain water. I laid it out to dry before sitting next to him on the couch. His eyes were vacant, hard, and completely unrecognizable.
“Have you been drinking?” I asked, the putrid smell of whiskey coming off of him in waves.
“Listen,” he said, ignoring my question completely. “I’ve been doing a lot of thinking since New York.”
The feeling I had been having, that terror in the pit of my stomach flared to life, warning me that my life was forever about to change. And not for the better.
“I miss the city. I don’t think I’m cut out to live here,” he confessed stoically.
“Logan, what are you saying? Do you want us to move to New York?” I asked, hopeful.
I didn’t want to move, but I will. If it meant he wouldn’t leave us, I would go anywhere.
“There are other things, too. I miss my job, my life there.”
“I thought we were your life,” I whispered.
He continued, spilling out the words, like he was unable to get them out of his body quickly enough. They sounded practiced and rehearsed, like he had written a speech before coming here. A “how to break up with Clare” speech and he couldn’t wait to get it all out.
“I thought I was ready for this. Ready to be with one person for the rest of my life, and ready to be a father. But I don’t think I am. I’m sorry. I know that sounds selfish, but it’s where I’m at,” he said, like he wasn’t ready to place his order yet, or he couldn’t decide between two shades of paint. No big deal.
“Why are you doing this?” I asked softly, seeing something flash in his eyes that he was desperately trying to keep blank for my benefit. He was hiding something.
“I just thought it’d be better this way. At least I figured it out before it was too late, right?” he shrugged.
Unable to sit next to him anymore, I jumped up from the couch, hurt and angry and so damn confused.
“Too late? There’s a little girl upstairs who adores you. What am I going to tell her, Logan?”
He turned from me, shielding his face from my view so I couldn’t see his expression.
“You goddamn lying bastard,” I seethed.
“I’m sorry, Clare.”
“Don’t apologize to me, Logan! Tell me what’s really going on here. This isn’t about some stupid job. What happened to make you run like this? Just tell me and we can work through it.”
He stood, running his hands through his hair for a few seconds as if trying to decide what to do. He finally looked up at me. I saw the hurt and pain in his eyes and I felt myself relax, knowing if he was opening up, we could get through this. But he turned his emotions back off and resumed the icy cold demeanor he had arrived with.
“There’s no other reason. Clare. I’m just not ready for this.”
“Please don’t do this Logan, please...you can’t leave,” I begged, the panic taking over every molecule in my body.
“I’m sorry, Clare. You have no idea how much I wish things were different,” he said, and it was the first thing he said all night that I actually believed. Everything else was a lie. One big goddamn lie he’s concocted. Like a big get out jail free card.
“You’re a f*cking coward!” I roared, slapping him hard across the face. He just took it, as his head snapped back against the impact. No emotion, no angry words. Nothing. The Logan I knew was gone, buried underneath newly formed sheets of ice. This was the old Logan, the one that existed before me.
“Get out!” I yelled. “Get out, please,” my yell turning into a whisper, as the energy in my voice drained. I could barely stand, my knees fought to keep me upright. Seeing my struggle, he hesitated, taking a step toward me, but just nodded, walking out the door and never looking back.
I collapsed onto the floor, tears flowing down my cheeks as my entire body shook and that nagging terror I had felt earlier took over my every thought.
~Logan~
Sitting at my familiar barstool in the same bar I had gone to the night I’d met Clare, I felt like shit. It was really a dumb move on my part, but I didn’t want to go home. Too many memories to haunt me, reminding me of everything I had lost. Everything I’d given up.
You’re a f*cking coward!
I was a coward. I had set myself on this course thinking I was doing something noble, saving her another life of pain and suffering, but who was I really trying to protect? I never asked what she wanted to do, never told her what that call was about so many days before. What I had found out today. I’d kept to myself, saying I was protecting her. But I was protecting myself from the possibility of seeing her walk away. What if she didn’t want me anymore? What if she looked at me differently? I didn’t know if I could handle the possibility that one day I could stop being Logan, and instead be a constant reminder of Ethan and everything she’d lost.
Walking into that house, telling her I wasn’t ready and acting like what we had wasn’t the most goddamn important thing in my life was the biggest shame of my life.
She looked slain, like I’d ripped out her heart and thrown it to the wolves. And I just stood there, cold and emotionless while she’d fallen apart. I wanted nothing more than to close the distance between us, and tell her I was sorry, that I didn’t mean any of it, and everything would be okay. I would have pulled out the ring in my jeans pocket, the ring I would carry with me until the day I died, dropped to my knees and asked her to marry me. I would have begged forgiveness, carrying her upstairs and making love to her all night rather than sitting here in this bar alone, like I would be for the rest of my life.
“Hey, Doc,” Cindy said, as she made the rounds to refill drinks. “You haven’t been around in months.”
“Been busy,” I answered coldly, not bothering to look up from my glass.
“Yeah? Well I sure hope she was worth it because you look like hell,” she commented before walking away.
I felt like hell. I felt like I left my soul on that doorstep as I walked out of that house, leaving Clare and Maddie forever.
All that was left was numbness, that constant void of nothingness.
“Hey, stranger, long time no see,” a familiar woman’s voice greeted me from behind. I awkwardly swiveled around in my bar stool, seeing double. As my vision cleared, I couldn’t help but grin, stunned by who stood before me.
“Well, aren’t you a sight for sore eyes, gorgeous.”