Chapter Thirteen
~Clare~
“Hello?” I answered, attempting to juggle the phone in one hand and the thermometer in the other.
“Hey you,” Logan’s melodic voice filled the airwaves between us, making me smile and blush despite the chaos surrounding me. It had been a week since our bathroom escapade. I still can’t believe I had sex in a public bathroom! The time we spent at the club wasn’t nearly enough to put out the fire we’d created, and we spent the entire night at Logan’s making love. I did eventually get the chance to lick every inch of his delectable body, and it was divine.
“Hey, how was your day?” I asked as I inserted the electric thermometer in Maddie’s ear and began the ten-second wait that would tell me whether or not I would need to take her to the doctor’s office. Maybe I could just take her to Logan’s, I thought jokingly.
“Good,” he answered. “Went to work. Did the usual hero-type stuff. Saving lives, kicking ass. Whatever.” I rolled my eyes in laughter.
“I was about to go for a run, but I wanted to see what time you wanted me to pick you up tonight?” he asked.
He was so happy and I was going to completely ruin his mood.
“I have to cancel. Maddie’s sick,” I apologized as I shifted Maddie in my arms on the sofa. She curled into my arms, readjusting herself into a ball as I tried to keep the thermometer steady.
“She’s sick? Is she okay? What are her symptoms?” he rattled off question after question, humor gone and now in full doctor mode. Realizing the thermometer had already beeped, I pulled it out of her ear, looking at the results. Good. No fever.
“Nothing serious. She’s just complaining of an upset stomach and won’t eat. She’s been lethargic all day. Her temperature is normal so it’s not major. But I still better stay home with her. I’m so sorry I’m canceling on you.”
“You have nothing to apologize for,” Logan assured me. “Maddie takes priority over everything. I wouldn’t have it any other way. We’ll have hundreds of other evenings to spend together, but tonight Maddie needs you. Take care of my princess,” he requested before hanging up.
I snuggled us into the couch with a blanket as Maddie watched Dora the Explorer. I seriously hated that cartoon. I really believed it was created to slowly whittle away the brains of parents everywhere. I did my best to tune it out as I ran my fingers through my daughter’s ginger colored curls.
Logan had planned on taking me to the movies tonight. It was something we had yet to do. We had already done so much together including going on hikes and visiting museums. We had been to countless restaurants and even taken Maddie to a movie, but we had never gone by ourselves. I couldn’t wait to snuggle up with him in that dark theater as we watched a movie and shared a cherry coke. It sounded cliché and stupid, but it was one of those classic things you did as a couple, and I wanted to share it with him.
But Maddie needed me, and I was a mother first. She was my constant and one of the only reasons I was able to come back after the grief of Ethan’s death threatened to swallow me whole. If I had been alone, and her precious life hadn’t been there depending on me to get up every day, I probably would have never truly recovered. In a way, I owed that tiny four-year old my life. She had saved me from myself, forcing me to pick up the pieces and be a stronger person than I would have been capable of otherwise.
“I’m sorry you didn’t get to go on your play date with Logan, Mommy,” Maddie murmured as she watched her cartoon. I found it ridiculously adorable that she called them play dates.
“It’s okay, baby. We’ll go on another one later,” I assured her.
“Mommy?” she asked, her inquisitive brown eyes finding mine.
“Yeah, baby?”
“Do you think Daddy would like Logan?”
Just when I thought I had her completely figured out, she pulled the rug out from under me. How could someone so small have such big thoughts swimming around in her head? And how did I answer that? Did I think Ethan would like the man I had fallen in love with? Would he approve? Most days I thought he would, when I felt like maybe he was the one who sent Logan to me in the first place. But there were still moments, in all honesty, when I felt guilty. When I would look down at the picture of the two of us I still had sitting on my nightstand, and wonder if he was looking down on me screaming because I was with another man.
“What do you think, baby?” I asked, taking the coward's way out by not answering.
“I think Daddy would be happy Logan’s here. He makes everything better.”
I was stunned. Leave it to a child to take something that seemed so complicated and involved and reduce it to two sentences.
Plain and simple.
Logan did make everything better. Of course Ethan would be happy me, for that very reason alone. My daughter was a genius.
As I continued to play with her hair, contemplating my newest epiphany, our doorbell rang. Sliding myself out from under Maddie’s sprawled out body, I ran to the door wondering what type of cookie or popcorn tin I was going to be talked into now.
“Logan?” I cried, completely shocked as I opened the door.
His arms were full of grocery bags, boxes of pizza and two bouquets of flowers.
“I missed my girls,” he said with a shrug.
Seeing him there, I couldn’t help myself. I launched myself toward his arms, completely overcome by emotions. Forgetting that he was carrying about fifty pounds of groceries and take-out, I was stopped short by the many obstacles separating us. Laughing as he noticed my frustration, he dropped the bags he was carrying and grabbed me around the waist, pulling me tight.
“Thank you,” I said.
“Like I said, I missed you, and I had to see Maddie. The thought of her not feeling well was killing me,” he admitted.
“I would think you’d be used to that by now Dr. Matthews,” I teased.
Leaning his forehead against mine, he said, “I know, but Maddie’s different. I can’t be clinical with her.”
Of course he couldn’t. He loved her. He loved us both. The words hadn’t been said, but I felt them. I could see the love he had for Maddie every time he picked her up, cradling her like she was the most precious thing in the world. I knew he loved me every time he looked at me, and every time we made love, branding me as his own. But the word “love” wasn’t something he said before, and I knew for a man who believed he was essentially broken, it would take time.
“Come on, let’s go inside so I can check on my patient,” he suggested before placing a kiss on my cheek.
I helped him with the bags that are strewn on the front stoop, giving myself a little peek to see what goodies he had brought. I saw boxes of Kleenex, Tylenol, movies, and popcorn.
“Hey, is there any chocolate in here?” I asked as we made our way inside.
“Of course. Do you think I’d show up without chocolate?” The man was well trained.
Maddie saw us round the corner into the family room, on our way to the kitchen, and yelled “Logan!” mustering up as much excitement as she could from the couch.
“Hey princess, how ya feeling?” he asked, dropping his bags on the counter and moving toward Maddie.
“My tummy hurts,” she complained. She really did sound pitiful.
“Well we can’t have that, can we?” Logan said.
I pulled down some plates and absently watched him with Maddie as he looked at her throat and felt her tummy, causing her to softly giggle. He finished up his mini exam, covering her with a blanket and returning to the kitchen.
“Well, I don’t think I discovered anything more than you did. It’s probably a stomach bug. We just need to get her to drink water and maybe chew on some crackers,” he said, sounding very doctor-ish. It was kind of hot. He just needed a pair of scrubs.
I helped him unpack the groceries, touched by his thoughtfulness, when I notice the Band-Aid at the crook of his arm.
“What’s this?” I asked, grabbing his arm so I could have a closer inspection.
“Oh, nothing. Had to get blood work,” he said dismissively.
The blood drained from my face, and I felt weak. He said it was nothing, right? So I should have calmed down, but I couldn’t. Visions of blood tests and chemo flashed through my memory and I struggled to stay upright.
“Whoa there...Babe, you okay?” his voice filled with concern.
I nodded absently, but he didn’t believe me for a second, grabbing my hand to sit me down at the kitchen table. Kneeling down on the tiled floor, he took my hand in his, gently rubbing with his thumb.
“Hey, look at me,” he urged gently as my eyes slowly locked with his.
“I had a physical. Just standard blood tests. I’m not going anywhere, Clare. Okay?”
I nodded again, letting a tear escape down my cheek. I was being ridiculous. But the thought of losing him, going through that again. I didn’t think I could do it.
He pulled me into a tight hug, wrapping his arms around my back, enveloping me in warmth.
“Even doctors have to visit the doctor’s office every once in a while,” he said, trying to lighten the mood. It seemed to work, because I fired back with, “Oh yeah, you can’t give yourself a physical? I’m pretty sure you could do that ‘turn and cough’ thing pretty well solo.”
He laughed against my ear as we stood and headed back to the kitchen. He was fine and everything was going to be okay, I assured myself.
We got our pizza, which wasn’t nearly as good as the pizza Logan had made, and joined Maddie in the family room. Thankfully, I was able to talk her out of more Dora, and we watched a Disney movie instead. Cuddled up on the couch together, with Maddie resting between us, I could see it.
The three of us, like this, forever.
But it was a conversation we had never had. He said I was his and he would always be here, but was he ready to be a father? I knew he loved Maddie, but becoming a father to her was different. Could I ask that of him? I knew what I wanted, and it was him. I could only hope he wanted us, and everything that came with us.
Maddie fell asleep and Logan helped carry her upstairs to her room. We both tucked her in, giving her kisses goodnight. Logan began to head back for the stairs, and I grabbed his hand, stopping him.
“Stay. Please, Logan.”
“Always,” he vowed, before following me to the bedroom.
I shut the door, locking it, making sure I heard the click before I turned. Giving myself a few moments to stand there, I admired the man before me. Sometimes I couldn’t help but stare. He was like a magnet pulling me in, and I was helpless to stop. He was the perfect combination of pure sin and superhero, and I wanted all of him.
Right now.
“Clare, you’ve got to stop looking at me like that,” he groaned.
“Why?” I asked, letting my hips sway as I sauntered toward him. Finally reaching my object of desire, I reached out, running my hands up and down the blue t-shirt that covered his perfectly formed chest.
“Because Maddie’s down the hall and I can only handle so much before I throw you on the bed and take you anyway.”
What was this? Take me anyway? I don’t know about him, but sex was definitely in my plans for the evening. Oh. I understood.
“You’re scared to have sex with Maddie in the house, aren’t you?” I couldn’t help but grin. Seeing him squirm was pretty damn funny.
“Well, that would definitely be a first for me,” he agreed.
Who knew a full grown man would be so freaked out about having sex in the same house as a child. It’s not like she was in the room with us.
“Logan?” I whispered.
“Yeah?”
“Do you plan on living with me? Ever?” I asked, hoping and praying I didn’t just step over a line trying to make a point.
“Dear God, I hope so,” he said like a prayer.
I gave myself a second, or five to let that sink in, making sure I remembered those words forever.
“And exactly how did you foresee this future of ours? Are we just going to practice abstinence whenever Maddie’s in the house? For the next fourteen years?”
His eyes widened, causing me to laugh.
“What if she wakes up? I mean, we’re not exactly quiet,” he argued, clearly warming to the idea.
My hands moved to the edge of my tank top, lifting it over my head, and exposing my purple satin bra. His eyes flared with heat, and I knew he wasn’t thinking about anything else but me now.
“Then we’ll just have to learn to be silent, won’t we?” I said before I pushed him onto the bed to teach him the art of quiet lovemaking.
~Logan~
I woke in the middle of the night to Maddie calling out for me. My eyes tried to focus in the darkened room as she poked at my head. Again. Sleep still tugged at my every thought making my movements jerky and lethargic. Suddenly remembering the hours of lovemaking Clare and I had spent before going to sleep, I ran my hands down my body, exhaling in relief that I had the forethought to throw on a pair of boxers and shirt before collapsing into bed.
“Maddie? You okay princess?” I asked as I pulled her toward me, noticing right away the immense heat radiating off her body.
“I don’t feel very good,” she said, wrapping her arms around my neck.
I gathered her into my lap, exhaling as I let this moment sink in, because it was a big one. She had come to me. She needed someone and she chose me. I don’t know what it was like to be a father, to watch your child grow in your wife’s belly, be born, and hold her in your arms for the first time. It wasn’t a life I had ever pictured for myself. But I did know what it was like to hold Maddie in my arms, to feel her head rest on my shoulder when she was sleepy, to see the joy in her face when we danced. She may not be mine by birth, but I would give up everything I had to be her father. To belong to her, to them both.
“Come on princess, let’s go downstairs so we won’t wake your Mommy,” I said, before picking her up and heading downstairs for the kitchen. Clare had earned the sleep, and I would gladly stay up the rest of the night if needed. But that wasn’t why I was doing this. Seeing Maddie in the darkness tonight, as she reached for me, her body sick and frail. I wasn’t ready to give her up yet. She came to me, and I wanted to be her healer and protector. I would let Clare take over in the morning when I had to leave for work, but for now, I needed a night taking care of the little girl who had stolen a piece of my heart.
I took Maddie’s temp which was high, as expected. She sleepily took the medicine I gave, and drank some of the water I put in her Dora Sippy cup, but she was having a difficult time settling. I put on a movie, and we burrowed ourselves under a blanket while I began running my fingers through her hair. It was something I’d seen Clare do on numerous occasions, and it always seemed to soothe her. About fifteen minutes later, her eyes fluttered, and eventually closed, and she fell asleep in my arms.
I purposely remained awake a while longer, watching the breath move in and out of her body through her rose colored lips. It’s amazing how life can change on you in an instant. A few months ago, I was afraid of my own emotions, and I protected myself with a thick layer of ice. I pushed away the few people in my life who actually loved me, scared that the love I felt for them was a long standing lie as well. I had convinced myself that someone who grows up without knowing love was incapable of giving it. It was the reason why I couldn’t love Melanie, the reason I had ruined our marriage. And so I gave up. If I didn’t know how to love, why bother? Why bother with any of it?
And then I walked into an exam room and met two redheads that took my bitter, pathetic excuse for a life and turned it upside down. I was so afraid that I’d never be able to love anyone, and here I was, holding a child I desperately wanted to call my own and upstairs was a woman I would give my life for.
Turns out I was always capable of love, I just hadn’t found it yet.
“Hey,” Clare’s sleepy voice wafted in as she entered the family room and sat next to me on the couch.
“Hey.” I answered back, “She woke me. Said she didn’t feel good, so I took her down here. I hope you don’t mind.”
She smiled, looking at Maddie in my arms, as she placed her own hand over mine and we begin to stroke Maddie’s hair together. “It’s perfect. Seeing you there with her, it’s perfect,” she whispered.
“I love you.” I told her without hesitation, saying the words I’ve been holding inside of me for far too long, “I’ve loved you Clare, every minute of every day, since the very first day.”
A single tear escaped down Clare’s cheek before I heard the single greatest words of my life.
“I love you, too. Oh God, I love you too, Logan,” she said, her voice raw and heavy with emotion.
I pulled her toward me, kissing her gently, making sure not to wake Maddie who was still asleep in my arms. We kissed, hugged and cried for hours as we held Maddie throughout the night. Exactly like a family would do, because that’s what we were now, a family. After years of being ignored in my own family, I had found one of my own. I no longer needed anyone else, as long as I had Clare and Maddie in my life.