Chapter Ten
~Clare~
“Clare Elizabeth Murray! You little slut!” Leah nearly screamed as we made our way through the aisles of one of our favorite clothing stores.
It was a Monday morning, and I was enjoying a few hours to myself while Maddie was at preschool. Leah had the night shift today, so she and I decided a little retail therapy would be nice. Leah searched the clearance rack, her long blonde hair pulled to the side in an artfully designed braid that would have taken me hours to create. Today she wore a short summery dress that made her look like she’d just stepped off a runway in Paris. God, I hated that woman.
“Leah, would you freaking shut up! I think China heard you!” I scolded.
“News flash! They probably heard you moaning in the back of that car Friday night!”
I groaned, completely embarrassed. The store clerk was seriously trying to ignore our conversation but I could hear her muffled giggle behind the rack of clothes she was pretending to sort.
“Okay, we are done talking about me. Let’s talk about you and how you totally bailed Friday night. And don’t tell me it was to go to some lame cemetery,” I said, changing the subject and calling her out on her one-nighter.
She opened her mouth and shut it again, speechless. What the hell? Leah was never speechless. Like never. She always had something to say about everything. Sometimes I wish she came with a muzzle.
“We went to the cemetery. He’s working production on this film, apparently that’s his true love. Acting is just something he fell into ‘cause he’s got a pretty face. But that’s it. He took me home.”
“You are a goddamn liar, Leah.”
“Am not,” she said. I could tell she was lying by her sudden interest in a ridiculously ugly dress. There was a reason it was on the clearance rack. There was no way Leah wanted to buy it. She was avoiding me.
“Are too.”
“Am not!” she repeated.
“Are too,” Annoyed now, I said, “Oh my God. Are we children again? Have we reduced ourselves down to Maddie’s age now?”
She looked at me, trying to give her best poker face. Problem was, Leah didn’t have a poker face. She was usually an open book, willing to tell anyone virtually anything. Sometimes I wondered if her thick skin came from being raised by an alcoholic dad, but she always brushed it off and said this was the way God made her.
“You mean to tell me you left a bar with a Hollywood celebrity who is hotter than f*ck, which by the way, if you tell Logan I said that, I will kill you, and you didn’t sleep with him? That’s like your ultimate fantasy!” I confronted her.
“Okay, fine! Yes, I slept with him!” she snapped, before pulling us to into a dressing room and closing the door with a huff.
“And it was amazing. Like five times amazing, okay? I’ve been having sex with vibrators for so long I’d forgotten what an actual man felt like...and this one? Holy shit! He was like an Olympic gold medalist for orgasms.”
“So why didn’t you want to tell me?” I asked, still wondering why we were hanging out in a dressing room. And if we were, I was at least going to start trying on the dresses I picked out.
I start stripping down for my first dress as she took a seat in the corner and explained.
“Because I knew you’d make a big deal out of it. You’re in that ‘I just fell in love!’ stage, and it’s radiating off your damn body in waves. You’re naturally going to want everyone around you to feel that same exact thing. And this is the exact opposite of what you have. It was purely physical and a one-time thing. Okay?”
“I’m in love?” I asked, completely forgetting everything else she just said and focusing on the one thing I still hadn’t come to grips with.
“Well duh,” she snorted.
“Isn’t it too soon?”
“Does love have a time restriction?” she asked.
“Then why haven’t I opened the letter, Leah?”
“I don’t know, sweetheart. I don’t know,” she said, standing to pull me into a tight hug. We stood there in the small dressing room, holding and supporting each other, like we’d done for the last twenty years. With her head resting on my shoulder, Leah whispered, “You’re rack looks fabulous in this dress. You should wear this one. He’ll lose his shit when he sees you in it.”
“You always know the right things to say,” I joked.
“I know. I’m like a super-hot version of Yoda.”
I snorted, giving myself a long pause before saying, “You’ll be there Wednesday morning?”
“There’s nowhere else I’d be, Clare.”
I tiptoed into Maddie’s room, hoping to catch a few moments alone with her before she woke. The clothes I had carefully laid out the night before were laying across her rocking chair, and the CD I put on repeat was still chattering on about sheep and numbers. I gently sat on the edge of her bed, looking down on her tiny face, trying to remember how it looked three years ago today. She was barely into her toddler years, just starting to leave infancy. When I held her in my arms sobbing, I thought she looked so big compared her to the tiny baby we’d brought home. Looking down at her now, I felt that overwhelming lack of control every parent has watching their child grow before their eyes, unable to stop it, or slow it down. How had she gotten so big? She would start kindergarten next year, and he wasn’t here to see it.
He was gone.
It had been three years, today.
Maddie shifted in her sleep and made an incoherent noise before her eyes fluttered open and focused on me.
“Hi Mommy,” she mumbled, her voice still sleepy.
“Hey, baby.”
“Whatcha doin’?”
“Just looking at how pretty you are,” I smiled, reaching down to smooth out her tiny red curls.
“Are we going to go visit Daddy today?” she asked.
“Yes.”
“Do I get to wear my pretty dress?”
“Of course, baby,” I choked out.
“Do you think Daddy would like my pretty dress?” her voice filled with curiosity over a man she would never know again.
“Oh definitely. Green was Daddy’s favorite color.” It was the color of my eyes.
Just breathe, just breathe.
She remained silent for a second, pondering something before saying, “Mommy?”
Yeah, baby?” I said, my voice coming out in a whisper.
“I miss Daddy.”
Holding back tears, I nodded. It was all I could do. I pulled her in my arms and nodded again, because I did too. I missed him. So damn much.
We met in the late afternoon, which is the same time we met every year since we lost him. I don’t know who came up with the idea, but it was a tradition we had kept. That first year is a bit of a haze, but every year, on the anniversary of Ethan’s death, we gathered at the cemetery and grieved. My parents, my brother, Leah, and a few of his friends. Everyone who was still living and mattered in his life.
We huddled together, hands linked, and our heads bowed, letting the silence be our opening hymn. My father was the first to speak.
“Thank you all for coming again. Ethan wasn’t just a son-in-law to me, he was my son. He came to us without a family, and we gave him one. In return, he loved our daughter and gave us Maddie. He loved them with everything he had until his very last breath.”
His voice quivered as he struggled to continue, “So, with that...I think I’ll start.”
Every time we gathered, we each told a memory of Ethan, and then placed a seashell on his headstone, a small symbol of the surfer boy who left us all too soon.
“The first time I met Ethan was when Clare brought him home during Thanksgiving break. When she called us to say she was bringing home a boy from school, the warning flags went up, but she assured me he was just a boy from out of state who didn’t have any family. So, when I caught him in the kitchen with his hand up her shirt, I turned to Clare, asked her to exit the room to give the men a few minutes to chat.”
I shook my head. I couldn’t believe he was telling this story. I thought he was going to kill Ethan that day. It was just a good thing it was that moment he chose to catch us that weekend. There were several other worse occasions he could have walked in on.
“So, I walked up to the boy, expecting him to look scared shitless.”
I gave him a stern look, and he just looked back confused before understanding blossomed across his face.
“Oops, sorry Maddie. Papa has a potty mouth,” he snickered.
She let out a little giggle as she gripped my hand, looking beautiful in her lightly smocked green dress.
“But he just stood tall and said, ‘I know what you’re thinking, sir, but I want you to know I love your daughter and I plan on making her happy for the rest of my life.’ I looked him over, shrugged and said ‘Okay, but keep it clean in the house, will ya kid?’”
Everyone laughed the pained laugh people do when they were wavering between laughing and crying. Many tears would be shed today, but we tried to make sure the good memories were kept alive as well.
We went around the circle, sharing stories. Some were funny, some were a bit sad. Leah was next to last and told the story of Ethan becoming a father.
“He was scared to death. I thought he was going to pass out,” she laughed, shaking her head and wiping the tears from her eyes. “Then he saw Maddie and it was love at first sight.”
Tears dripped down my cheeks, remembering that moment when we became parents. It was the scariest and happiest moment of our lives.
When everyone had finished their stories and placed their shells, only two remained. Mine and Maddie’s.
Everyone’s eyes focused on me. I was always last.
“When you plan to share a life with someone, you never for a second stop to wonder how long that life may be. Even if I had known I would only get a handful of years with him, I still would have said yes and never looked back.”
Looking down at Maddie, I squeezed her hand and took a deep breath, centering myself before I continued.
“Before the cancer and the chemo. Before the headaches and the tests, there was Ethan, me, and our little surprise Maddie. Ethan was the most laid back and carefree person I’ve known, except when it came to finances. He was meticulous.” A couple knowing chuckles filled the air in agreement.
“When we got married, we had a plan. A financial plan. We both would work for five years, save, buy a house and then start talking about kids. His entire plan was reduced to a pile of rubble when I took that pregnancy test one morning. We went from having everything planned to nothing, and I’d never seen him happier. We bought a house and watched my belly grow. It was the best time in our life.”
Looking down at the simple headstone, I took another breath and finished.
“I look back and think about how different his last couple years would have been if we had actually been able to follow through with that God awful plan. We would have wasted them working ourselves to death, saving money for dream we would never see. Instead, our lives became a blissful combination of chaos and joy when Madilyn Grace entered our lives. She was the gift we never knew we needed, and she gave Ethan the one thing he needed before he left this world, to become a father.
Looking over at Maddie, I held up my shell, and asked, “You ready?”
She nodded and we took a final step forward, placing our shells on Ethan’s headstone together.
“I love you, Ethan,” I said at the same time Maddie said “I love you, Daddy.”
The crowd began to dispense, hugging each other as they went. Everyone asked if they could do something, take us out, or bring us food. It was like this every year. I politely declined.
No, Maddie and I would be fine alone. We always were.
When everyone had gone, the only people that remained were Maddie, Leah and me. And the shells. Ten in total, all lined up.
We said one last goodbye, linked arms and headed for the car.
I saw him a split second before Maddie yelled, “Logan!” and took off in a run, catapulting herself in his arms, and burying her face deep into his chest.
Stunned, I temporarily forgot how to breathe. What was he doing here? And why did I have the sudden urge to do the exact same thing as Maddie, and bury my head into his chest willing him to make the hurt go away. Tears blurred my vision again as he made his way to us. Leah motioned for Maddie and she reluctantly pulled away from Logan to join her, “Come on, short stack. Let’s go home. We’ll meet you there?” she asked, looking to Logan. He nodded briefly, turning his attention back to me.
A few moments of silence passed, the only sound coming from the sway of the trees and birds flying above. He looked at me intently, waiting for me to speak first.
“What are you doing here? How did you know?” I asked, the words stumbling out of my mouth in a rush.
“Leah told me. Why didn’t you?” he questioned, pain clearly echoing in his words.
“I don’t know,” I answered, “I figured this was too much, too soon. I didn’t think you’d want to be here for this...for a woman you’d just started seeing. I mean, we haven’t even slept together,” I threw out the last part in a rush, hating myself for even saying it.
“Jesus, Clare. Do you think I’m only here for sex?” he hissed, clearly hurt.
“No, I’m sorry. I don’t. I just, I don’t know...I thought you wouldn’t want to be here,” I admitted.
Breathing deeply, he took a step forward, angling my chin so he could look me in the eyes. “Clare, this...what we’re doing. It has to be all or nothing. And I want all of you. When you cry, I want to be the one holding you. No matter the reason. So please, let me hold you,” he whispered.
I went willingly into his arms, doing exactly what I wanted to do since the moment I saw him. I buried my face in his chest and let out a sob I had been holding back all day. It felt cathartic and supremely overdue, like a dam spilling over after years of neglect.
“I still love him, Logan,” I confessed.
“I know, baby. I know. It’s okay,” he soothed.
His arms wrapped around my small frame, his large hand cradling my head as tears flowed. I don’t know how long he held me like this. It could have been minutes, hours, I don’t know, but he didn’t waver. He just held me, letting me have this day to grieve, to remember.
~Logan~
Holding Clare while she grieved for another man was probably the hardest thing I had ever done. While logically, I understood it, and could convince myself it was normal and healthy, and exactly the way it should be. The man, the Neanderthal male inside of me was screaming. He was banging his chest, growling, and yelling because I had just spent the last hour holding my woman, yes mine, as she grieved another man that she still loved. Insecurity threatened to take over as we drove back to the house in silence and I wondered if she could ever love me as much as she loved him. Would I ever measure up? As if sensing my unease, Clare’s hand covered mine, calming me. She had become my constant when everything else was a chaotic mess.
I took her home and Leah left shortly after, leaving the three of us alone. I helped Clare throw something together for dinner and we put Maddie to bed early. She was asleep within minutes, the exhaustion from the day claiming her almost instantly. Swaying on her feet, Clare was minutes away from collapsing herself. I lifted her in my arms, savoring the feel of her body close to mine, and walked the short distance to her bedroom. It was the first time I’d been in there, carefully avoiding the room she’d shared with her husband.
I gently laid her on the bed and pulled the covers over her tired body. Her eyes had already drifted shut, sleep finally taking hold of her. She looked beautiful like this, and I could lie here for hours watching her sleep. But I was not staying here, in this sacred place, without permission, especially today. I quietly made my way to the door when I heard her shift.
“Logan, don’t leave me,” she murmured.
I froze. “Are you sure?” I asked, turning to meet her eyes as she looked at me from across the room.
“Yes. Please, just hold me.”
“Always,” I vowed.
I came to the opposite side of the bed, quietly undoing the buttons of my shirt as she watched through sleepy eyes. I kicked off my shoes, unbuckled my belt and dropped my jeans. Pulling the covers down, I slid in next to her, never breaking eye contact. Realizing she was still completely clothed, she lifted her hips to slide her jeans off and cuddled in next to me, wearing only a tight t-shirt and panties. God, she was gorgeous. Laying on my side, I wrapped my arms around, fitting her to my body. Her back to my front.
Hating myself for it, but knowing I had no choice, I asked, “What was he like?” I had to know her, all of her, including this man who would forever own a piece of her heart.
“He was the perfect balance of crazy and responsible,” she began. “He’d be the first one to suggest something stupid at a frat party, but he’d beat everyone out the door for early morning classes on Monday. He was the only person I knew who carried perfect grades and never studied,” she said, giving a quiet laugh.
“He was an orphan. His parents were killed in a car accident when he was a teenager and he was lost without them. When I brought him home for the first time and my family took him in with open arms, he said he finally felt grounded again.”
She paused and I kissed her shoulder encouraging her to continue. I think she needed this as much as I did.
“He loved to surf. I used to call him my surfer boy. We always looked ridiculous standing next to each other. He was blonde, tan and muscular, and I was a skinny redhead who hated the beach because it made my skin burn. But we made it work, and I did eventually grow to love the beach.”
We lay still for a long time and I listened to her breathe. Just when I started to wonder if she had fallen asleep, she rolled over in my arms, staring into me with those emerald green eyes.
“I don’t compare you to him, Logan. I don’t keep a checklist trying to figure out which one of you will win “Clare’s Great Love” contest. Ethan, as much as I will always love him,” her voice faltered, “is gone. And I can’t live my life married to a ghost. You are here with me now. And I want all of you.”
Squeezing my eyes tight with emotions I wasn’t used to having, I kissed her forehead and thanked God I was the one who walked in that ER room.
I awoke to the feeling of something, or someone rather, poking me in the head. My eyes fluttered open to find Maddie staring at me, a doll in hand and a smile plastered on her face as she said, “Can I sleep with you?”
I was surprised she wasn’t screaming, “Why are you in bed with my Mommy!?” I shrugged, letting her climb in next to me, but instead, she climbed up and over me, causing me to grunt, as she kicked me in the side and kneed me in the ribs. How the hell was Clare sleeping through this? I looked over and she was peacefully sleeping, the epitome of calm, while I was getting punched. Maddie settled herself between the two of us, pulling my hand so it rested over her tiny body, like a miniature version of spooning. She snuggled deeply and sighed, obviously contented with her new sleeping arrangement as she reached over to drape a hand over her Mom’s side. We now created a three person spoon, well four, if you counted the doll. I drifted back to sleep with a grin on my face, and a dull ache in my ribs.
I awoke again, this time with the sun shining through the windows, the smell of bacon and the sound of laughter drifting up from the stairs. I could listen to that sound for the rest of my life and never grow tired of it. Quickly rising to change back into my clothes from the day before, I rushed downstairs and found a pajama clad Maddie, wooden spoon in hand, bouncing up and down to...is that Usher? Clare was at the stove flipping pancakes and shaking her hips, which made Maddie burst into fits of laughter.
I leaned my long frame against the side of the fridge waiting, wondering when they would notice the intruder, hoping I could catch Clare off guard.
Clare danced over to one of the kitchen cabinet and retrieved a plate. Still dancing, she turned, gliding over to me, completely unsurprised by my presence.
“Good morning,” she said smugly before placing a chaste kiss on my lips.
“How?” I tried asking.
“Mom.” She shrugged as if it was enough of an explanation. She laughed, realizing I still looked confused and elaborated. “I have eyes in the back of my head. I see everything,” she said, making it sound like it was one of the Seven Wonders of the World.
“It’s true,” Maddie confirmed.
I chuckled and began helping Clare dish up breakfast. I had never done this before. Had a family meal. It was the most normal thing I’d ever done.
Taking a moment from her cooking duties, Clare pulled me away from the prying ears of Maddie “Thank you. For last night. For yesterday, for everything,” she stumbled out the words, obviously trying to find the right ones.
“You don’t need to thank me, Clare. There is nowhere else I would rather have been.”
I meant it. These two had managed to bring more joy to my life in the last month than I had in the entire thirty-two years of my life. Seeing both of them yesterday lost, grieving and hurt...it will never happen again. They had a new protector, and it was me. I would keep them safe. No matter what.