Under the Open Sky

Chapter Thirty-Six

Amanda started cleaning the day after Cadey-Lynn’s third birthday, clearing her house of junk the way the Chinook winds were clearing the ground of snow. She had gone through every kitchen cabinet, the refrigerator, the freezer, and the pantry. She then moved into the office to go through paperwork and file away newer paperwork, while tossing out outdated documents that longer needed to be kept. She then tackled the living room and the ever growing movie collection Cadey-Lynn had started. She de-webbed, dusted, vacuumed, mopped, cleared the bathroom cabinets of all but what was needed and then headed up stairs. Cadey-Lynn had followed behind her much of the day and copied her mother’s actions. When Amanda moved into Cadey-Lynn’s room she sat down with the toy box and called her daughter over. This was now their third day of spring cleaning.

“Okay, Cadey-Lynn, you have out grown a lot of these toys and we have to get rid of some. I want you to help me choose some to give to Angie and then we are going to throw away the ones that are broken, okay?”

“I can keep my favorites?” Cadey-Lynn’s blue eyes were anxious.

“Yes, ma’am; we aren’t going give away the things you enjoy most,” Amanda promised. Three hours later Amanda had managed to convince Cadey-Lynn that not every toy in the toy box was her favorite and to weed out the broken ones.

Amanda stopped for lunch and then tackled Cadey-Lynn’s clothing. She packed away what Cadey-Lynn had outgrown for Angie. She then moved to her room, to get rid of clothing that she no longer wore from her drawers before turning to the closet. She reached the back, her hand hesitating before she pulled out Cade’s shirt and jacket and laid them on the bed.

“Are you sad, Mommy?” Cadey-Lynn climbed onto the bed.

“This shirt was your daddy’s,” Amanda explained. “So was the jacket.”

“Where is Daddy?”

“I don’t know; I wish I did.”

“You don’t know?” Cadey-Lynn’s blue eyes were inquisitive.

“Things happened that kept us apart; as far as I know he doesn’t even know about you, sweetheart.”

“We find him,” Cadey-Lynn looked hopeful.

“I have tried. In fact, I tried again just a few weeks ago,” Amanda admitted.

“Would he like me?” Cadey-Lynn’s blue eyes were hopeful.

“Oh, sweetheart, he would love you,” Amanda assured her daughter with a kiss on her sweet forehead.

That evening after Cadey-Lynn was in bed and the last room was completely cleaned, Amanda showered, pulled on Cade’s shirt and a pair of leggings before doing something she had promised herself over a year ago she would never do again. She grabbed a foot stool, reached into the back of the closet to pull a large boot box out and carried it down stairs to reread Cade’s letters.

Amanda found herself laughing, often remembering what she had written that had prompted certain comments, at other times wishing she could recall. By the time she had made it to the last several letters they had shared after their relationship had changed Amanda was crying again. The things he had written made his disappearance that much harder to understand. I find myself lying awake thinking about you, Manny. I worry that your father will never see me as good enough for his little girl. Did you know your eyes have just a hint of blue at the very edges?, Every time we kiss and touch each other only for me to have to leave the sense of expectation builds in me. I can’t wait until we can truly be together; until I can make love to you and hold you all night. I like this sense of expectation, Amanda; it makes waiting to be with you all the sweeter. Sentence after sentence stuck with Amanda as she put the lid back on the box; it simply didn’t add up- it didn’t make any sense. Cade was either the best actor to ever live or he had really felt those things. Maybe she was just that gullible. Amanda wrapped her arms around a teddy bear he had sent her one Easter and curled onto her side, trying and failing to make sense of it all.

Amanda watched as spring slowly edged winter out and filled the fields around the house with brilliantly colored wildflowers. Her family had backed off of encouraging her to move on, seeming to accept that she had to take life on her terms, at her own pace. Reece remained friends with the family, though he and Amanda were careful to keep their distance. She regretted hurting him; he was too nice to be treated poorly and she felt that she had.

Angie’s upcoming first birthday filled much of their thoughts, that and her new sibling that would arrive in eight months. Amanda had teased both her brother and Jenny that they certainly didn’t waste any time.

Amanda was worried for her father. He had recovered well from his stroke but he didn’t seem to be his self. He was moving slowly and was short tempered with nearly all around him, save his grandchildren. When Amanda asked him if he was okay he had snapped at her, never quite answering the question.

The day of Angie’s birthday he seemed to have set that all aside and smiled and laughed with everyone and Amanda felt herself relaxing; maybe her daddy was okay after all. However as summer approached, he spent more and more time piddling in the barn avoiding the family and Amanda sensed tension between her father and Trenton.

“You are not the man of this family, Trenton!”

Amanda heard her father yell one afternoon as she neared the barn.

“You need to ask yourself if you can deal with this on your conscious, Dad. I am giving you until the end of summer to make this right or I will.”

“Don’t you threaten me!” Sterling bellowed.

Amanda entered the barn, her concern growing as she looked between her brother and her father. Trenton looked grim but determined; Sterling looked incensed. Sterling turned and stormed out of the barn leaving Trent to sigh and shove a hand through his hair.

“You okay?” Amanda asked her brother.

“Yeah, I love Dad but I had to call him on something.”

“If you feel he’s wrong you should. I love him too but he can be awfully stubborn,” Amanda grinned. Trenton crossed to where his sister stood and wrapped her in a hug.

“I love you, Mandy Lynn; I’m sorry for the way things went down sweetheart,” her brother kissed her forehead.

“I love you too, Trent,” she pushed onto her tiptoes to kiss his cheek.

It was later that evening that her father sought her out where she sat on her porch swing; the movie Cadey-Lynn was watching inside spilled through the screen door.

“Hey, Mandy Lynn,” Sterling seated himself beside his daughter.

“Hi, Daddy.”

They sat quietly for a time, listening to the night sounds and Cadey Lynn’s laughter.

“Amanda?”

“Yes?”

“Why haven’t you moved on, sweetheart? You are so beautiful and all the men around town are just waiting for a sign of encouragement from you.”

“I tried, I hurt myself and them.”

They fell quiet again.

“Daddy?” she finally spoke again.

“Hmm?”

“Why did you never remarry?” she had never in all her life asked her father that question, though she had wondered on many occasions.

“I guess I’m just a one woman man. I never could quite seem to look at another woman and feel anything close to what I felt for your mother. I didn’t want to settle for less,” her father explained.

Amanda nodded and stared across the yard at the main house.

“I guess I’m cut from the same cloth as my father,” she told him before kissing his cheek and standing to move inside. She glanced back to find his expression set in a mask of anger and hurt that she couldn’t quite understand.

“Love you, Daddy,” Amanda slipped inside and shut the door behind her. She heard her father’s heavy steps leaving the porch a short while later and sighed. She so wished she could understand what was going on with her father.

“Mommy,” Cadey-Lynn interrupted her mother’s thoughts.

“Can I have these, please? They’re perfect,” Cadey-Lynn’s eyes were bright and pleading.

“Let me see,” Amanda took a catalogue from her daughter. Circled on the page were a pair of pink cowgirl boots with rhinestone daisies on the side; it made Amanda smile as she remembered her own love of boots as a child. She still loved them.

“Those are really pretty,” Amanda agreed. A steep price tag too, though Amanda didn’t mind too much. A glance at the front made her heart sink.

“Baby girl, the nearest place to get these is four and a half hours away,” Amanda explained. “If I thought I could get the right size we might could order them,” Amanda chewed her lip. “We’ll see; you hang on to this okay?” Amanda returned the catalogue to her daughter.

“Thank you, Mommy; I love you,” Cadey-Lynn jumped up to hug her mother.

“I love you too, Cadey-Lynn.”

Amanda showered before slipping into Cade’s shirt and a pair of worn, comfortable jeans. Cadey-Lynn was already in bed for the night and Amanda had decided to start the new book she had bought in town the day before. Summer was starting to wane, fall approaching and tensions remained high around the ranch, though none of the women seemed able to get an explanation from either of the men. Amanda was about ready to pack up and take her daughter out of town for a few days, maybe take her to buy the boots she kept going on and on about; it would certainly make Cadey-Lynn happy, she mused with a smile.

Amanda fixed a glass of lemonade and settled into the corner of the couch, the TV on but the volume low and started reading her book. She was well into the book, commiserating with the main character’s plight of forbidden romance when a knock sounded on her door. Amanda frowned and stood. She hadn’t heard a car. A glance on her porch found Naomi waiting. Amanda opened the door for her aunt and noted that she looked tense.

“Hey, Naomi, is everything okay?”

“No. I have something to give you,” her aunt was clutching a box. “First, I want to tell you a story.”

“Okay,” Amanda returned to her seat and watched her aunt perch on the edge of a chair.

“When I was seventeen your grandfather hired a new hand. His name was Darrell. He was twenty-two and the most handsome devil you’ve ever seen. Two weeks after my eighteenth birthday we started a whirlwind love affair,” Naomi, looked pained but determined as she spoke.

Amanda felt her eyes widen; she couldn’t imagine her aunt doing such a thing.

“To make a long story short, by the end of summer I was pregnant and he was gone. My father was so hurt by my actions and my going against the way I was raised that I wasn’t sure our relationship would ever recover. And my brother? I thought Sterling was going to hunt Darrell down and kill him; I really did, Amanda. When the baby was stillborn, my family rallied around me and saw me through the weeks and months I thought were going to kill me. Darrell had left me, of his own free will I might add, and my baby was gone too.”

“I’m not making excuses for your father, sweetheart, don’t misunderstand me; I just want you to understand part of why he is the way he is. When you got mixed up with Cade it looked like history repeating itself. He swore after what happened to me that he wouldn’t see another of his women hurt in that way.”

“Why are you telling me all of this, Naomi?” Amanda could feel a cold ball of dread forming in her stomach.

“I’m bungling this,” her aunt sighed. “Just, try not to hate your father; okay?” Her aunt scrunched her face, took a deep breath and continued. “I was going through your father’s clothes today; Lord knows the man never throws anything away. Anyway, I came across this box and opened it to see if it could be thrown out or should be saved. When I saw letters inside I started to put the lid back on and put it back; then I saw who they were from and I took them to my room. I read a few this evening and knew as soon as I had that you needed to see these,” her aunt stood and placed the box on the table.

“I love you, Mandy Lynn, and I want you to have the opportunity I never had,” Naomi slipped out the door without another word, leaving Amanda to stare at the box with an odd sense of dread and expectation.

Amanda reached with shaking hands to lift the box and set it in her lap; she removed the lid almost gingerly.