Under the Open Sky

Chapter Thirty-Five

Amanda lay on her couch, trying to hold her eyes open. Reece was on his way over and Cadey-Lynn had just gone to bed for the night. It had been a busy day on the ranch, Amanda running back and forth between the various activities that had been carried out that day. Amanda could feel the chill in the night air, suggesting that fall was already here and winter would follow shortly. The seasons were brilliant in Montana, though with the exception of winter, short lived. Amanda felt her lids droop again and questioned the wisdom of inviting Reece over. It was the last conscious thought she had before she heard her name being called.

“Amanda,” There was a light touch on her shoulder.

Amanda felt awareness slowly returning and took a deep breath; a familiar scent filled her senses. Cade’s cologne overwhelmed her causing her to sit upright and startle the rest of the way awake.

“You alright, Amanda?” Reece was watching her closely.

Amanda frowned at him. She had dreamt it; no she could still smell his cologne.

“Amanda, sweetie, are you alright?” Reece came to squat beside the couch.

It was Reece.

“Are you wearing new cologne?” Amanda demanded.

“Yeah, my sister sent it to me. You don’t like it?” Reece’s gray eyes were dark with worry. “What’s wrong?”

Amanda closed her eyes; she felt like a complete idiot. As she took a deep steadying breath she also breathed in the familiar scent and memories assaulted her, memories that she had managed to keep buried for months now. Cade teaching her to drive, doctoring her knee, carrying her safely into her house the night of prom, making love to her in this very house. Amanda shook her head and opened her eyes.

“Talk to me, Amanda,” Reece demanded.

“I’m sorry, Reece. I don’t mean to be all weird on you,” she offered a weak smile.

“So I’m guessing that this is the same cologne he wore?”

“Yes, and I was asleep and it really threw me for a loop. I’m sorry, Reece; really. I’m okay,” Amanda placed her feet on the floor and forced a smile.

“I’m sorry, Amanda.”

“Nothing to be sorry for,” she assured him.

“You are exhausted, Amanda; I’m going home and I’ll call you tomorrow,” Reece kissed her forehead.

“No, Reece, I’m fine.”

“You are exhausted; I can see it in your eyes. Get some rest, Amanda.”

“Thanks, Reece,” Amanda smiled for real.

After he had left Amanda locked up and turned the lights off in the lower part of the house before closing herself in her room. She felt shaken and fidgety. She finally grabbed her journal and sat down.

Cade,

It’s been a few weeks since I’ve written. I told myself that I was dispensing with this habit but sometimes it is the only way I can make sense of the crazy emotions that swirl around inside me. Things have been going so well between Reece and me. I even met his family a few weeks ago. Tonight he arrived wearing the same cologne you always wore. Memories poured over me so strong that I could hardly breathe. When do memories lose their sting? How long does it take to come to that place where you no longer feel sad from loss? I wish I knew; I wish I didn’t still hurt when I remember you. I’ve told our daughter all about you. She says good night to your photo every night. I wish I could speak to you once more so maybe I could understand. God help me I still miss you and I still love you.

Amanda apologized to Reece again the next day and invited him to supper. She shoved aside the memories that had been let loose to rampage through her mind and emotions and was able to laugh and talk and by the end of the evening decided she was going to be okay. As Reece kissed her goodbye she could again feel him pull back when he preferred not to. She closed the door behind him and moved around the cabin in slow motion as her thoughts swirled and chased themselves. Her steps were slow on the treads. By the time she had reached the top of the stairs she had reached a decision.

The next day, Amanda crossed the yard to the big house and let herself inside. Naomi still helped with the cooking and cleaning but was taking things much slower these days, as her arthritis was prone to acting up as the weather cooled and then turned cold.

Amanda found Jenny in the kitchen loading the dishwasher while Angie slept in her swing.

“Hey, Mandy,” Jenny greeted with a smile.

“Hey, Jenny,” Amanda set Cadey-Lynn on her feet.

“Aun’ N’omi,” Cadey-Lynn took off in search of her great aunt. Amanda let her go, knowing her aunt was in her room and that Cadey-Lynn would look there first.

“Could you watch Cadey-Lynn overnight tomorrow night?” Amanda queried and watched her friend turn to lean against the counter; her expression was curious.

“Of course; why?”

“I have something I need to do.”

“Okay, that tells me a lot. I don’t like the look in your eye, Amanda; what’s up?” Jenny looked concerned now.

“I just have something I need to do. You think I’d do something rash?” Amanda demanded with a self-mocking smile.

“Uh, yeah; I do!” Jenny laughed.

“I know what I’m doing,” Amanda promised her friend.

“I hope so, Mandy.”

“How are you today, Jenny?”

“I’m fine. How are you?” Jenny closed the dishwasher and started it.

“I’m better than I have been in a while; I really am.”

“I’m glad,” Jenny still looked concerned.

“I’ve got to run to town. I guess I should get Cadey-Lynn and be on my way,” Amanda stood.

“Leave Cadey-Lynn and pick her up when you get back,” Jenny offered and then went to hug her friend.

“I love you like the sister you truly are now, Mandy. Promise me you won’t do anything you’ll regret?” Jenny whispered.

“I won’t,” Amanda promised and then turned to let Cadey-Lynn know she would be back in a little while. Amanda spent a couple of hours buying the things she needed to carry out her plan before returning to the ranch and throwing herself into work.

That night she dreamt of Cade, of their night together in the room she now slept in. She woke the next morning with tears dried on her face. She washed her face, dressed her daughter, and resolutely moved forward with her day. That afternoon she took a long shower, dressed and packed Cadey-Lynn’s bag.

“You look nice,” Jenny noted when Amanda dropped Cadey-Lynn off. Amanda wore pair of fitted jeans, a nice top, and her boots, her hair was carefully straightened and make up perfect.

“Thanks.”

“Are you sure you know what you’re doing?” Jenny demanded as she eyed her friend.

“Positive. I’ll see you tomorrow,” Amanda promised. She hurried to her jeep and drove across town to Reece’s place; her nerves were starting to kick in by the time she arrived. She wiped her hands on her jeans before ringing the doorbell.

“Amanda, hi!” Reece was clearly pleased and surprised to see her.

“Hi,” she smiled nervously.

“Come in,” Reece invited. “And excuse the mess,” Reece scooped a newspaper off the couch. “What brings you over here?” Reece queried after they were seated on the couch, Amanda turned until her legs were almost in his lap.

“I wanted to see you,” she told him.

“Good, I like seeing you too,” he grinned at her. “Where’s Cadey-Lynn?”

“She’s with Jenny; she’s watching her tonight,” Amanda informed him. She watched surprise register in his expression.

“Oh.”

“I wanted it to be just you and me tonight,” she told him.

“Okay,” Reece reached to tuck a strand of hair behind her ear. “Are you hungry? I could cook us some dinner,” Reese offered.

“No,” Amanda shook her head and leaned forward to kiss him. Reese kissed her back and pulled her into his lap.

“You sure about this, Amanda?” Reese was studying her closely.

“I’m sure,” she nodded.

Reece kissed her again; then lifted her to carry her to his room. Amanda was hoping that she wasn’t shaking as bad as she feared she was. As Reece kissed her and she kissed him back, Amanda felt some of the tension leave her. She could do this; she could and then she would have proven to herself that she could move on.

Reece’s hands slid over her and Amanda reached to unbutton his shirt and run her hands over his chest. He had a fair amount of hair on his chest; his muscles were firm. When he reached to unbutton her shirt, his mouth still on hers, Amanda didn’t hesitate; she kissed him back and invited him closer. It wasn’t until her shirt was open and his eyes were on her that she felt a moment of panic.

“You’re so beautiful,” he cupped her jaw. His gaze swept over her again. He lifted the wedding band and chain from her chest and Amanda felt sick. She was supposed to remove that before showering and leave it on her dresser; she was so used to it being there that she had forgotten it.

“Was it your mother’s?” Reece asked.

Amanda closed her eyes and felt tears well; she couldn’t do this.

“Amanda? What’s wrong, sweetheart?”

“It wasn’t my mother’s. It was Cade’s mother’s,” she admitted.

“Oh,” she watched his brows draw down. “I see.”

“Reece, I’m sorry, I figured Cadey-Lynn would want it one day…”

“That’s why you wear it?” his gaze was searching hers.

“No,” Amanda felt her tears spill over. “I’m sorry, Reece; I wanted to do this I really did.”

“Why, Amanda? Because you love me?” Reece demanded.

“I really like you, Reece,” she offered around her tears.

“You’re ready to sleep with me because you really like me,” Reece sighed and shoved a hand through his hair, “or because you wanted to prove something to yourself?”

“Reece, I’m sorry. You have been so patient with me and I knew you wanted to sleep with me but you never made an issue of it,” Amanda tried explaining.

“I do want you but not like this, not with you here to prove something, Amanda. I knew something was off when you arrived; I just wasn’t sure what,” Reece shook his head; his gaze was tender when it landed on Amanda. “You’re still in love with him, Amanda. I knew it the night I showed up wearing the wrong cologne; I just couldn’t decide what to do about it, because I love you and I wanted to give it every chance I could.”

“Reece, it was a long time ago and I’m moving on with my life,” Amanda was sobbing now.

“You’re trying, Amanda; I’ll give you that. The fact is you still love him, doesn’t matter that he left you; you love him. You aren’t ready to move on and you certainly aren’t ready for this. You can’t put a magic number on it, Amanda. There isn’t a day on the calendar that you get up and flip a switch and it’s suddenly all over. It doesn’t work that way.”

“I am so sorry, Reece.”

“For what? Loving deeply and whole heatedly? No one should ever apologize for that,” Reece wrapped his arms around her and stroked her back.

“I have no right to ask this but will you just hold me, just for a moment?”

“I’ll hold you as long as you want,” he promised.

Amanda drove back to the ranch the next morning feeling as though she been through a great battle and lost. She couldn’t believe that she had cried herself to sleep in Reece’s arms and he had held her all night without waking her to run her off. Amanda sighed. She was obviously broken. Another amazing, wonderful guy who was ready to devote himself to her and all she could feel was friendship and a little physical attraction. She had to be a guy’s worst nightmare. She carried around a thing for an old flame and couldn’t quite get the hang of the whole casual sex thing. It was with a defeated sigh that Amanda entered the house to pick up her daughter.

“Hi,” Jenny greeted with a smile. Her smile faded as she surveyed her friend. “You don’t look like a woman who just had an uninhibited night of amazing sex; what happened?” Jenny demanded a she motioned for Amanda to sit down at the table while Jenny finished preparing homemade baby food.

“Well, first of all I forgot to take this off,” Amanda lifted the ring from her neck.

“Amanda! You’re still wearing that thing?” Jenny’s eyes were wide. Amanda nodded. “Oh, Mandy, honey,” Jenny moved to the table and slid down across from her friend. “He wanted to know about it,” Jenny guessed.

“Yes, and I started crying and it went downhill from there. I cried myself to sleep in his arms and he held me all night. What is wrong with me? Why can’t I fall head over heels in love with him, Jenny?”

“Mandy, I’m sorry. What did he say?” Jenny was watching her friend closely.

“He told me that I wasn’t ready to be dating, let alone sleeping with someone, that I couldn’t mark a date on the calendar and decide to flip it off at the switch,” Amanda shared.

“I’m sorry, Mandy; we didn’t mean to rush you and hurt you. We just wanted to see you happy,” Jenny moved to hug Amanda.

“I made the decisions not all of you. I am through with dating, Jenny; I can’t keep doing this to myself or to these poor men,” Amanda wiped at her tears. “Reece is right; I’m not ready. I need to get Cadey-Lynn,” Amanda stood.

“Leave her and go take a little time for yourself. She is busy imparting all her worldly knowledge on to Angie. This is the quietest Angie has been in a long time,” Jenny offered her friend a smile.

“I think I will. Thanks, Jenny.”

“You’re welcome. I love you, Mandy.”

“I love you too,” Amanda hugged Jenny fiercely.

Amanda pulled her Jeep down to her cabin and changed her clothes before she walked to the barn and climbed into the loft to be alone with her memories. She hadn’t been up here in a long time, she mused as she remembered how she used to escape up here to read. Amanda closed her eyes and let memories, some happy, some bittersweet wash over her. To change anything would be to forego her daughter and Amanda knew she wouldn’t undo any of it. Amanda was still lying there when she heard her father come in and start talking to the horses as he went about his work. She was considering climbing down to say hi when she heard her aunt enter; her aunt seldom came to the barn.

“What brings you out here, Naomi?” Sterling greeted his sister.

“I have held my tongue for years, Sterling, I have tried not to interfere with the way you were raising your children unless it was something I felt strongly on but I have to say something now. I only wish I had said it sooner,” Naomi’s voice was shaking.

“Do you know what you have done to your daughter? Do you know how much pain she is still in? She just went and threw herself at a man she doesn’t love because everyone keeps telling her to move on. You say you want her happy but you never gave them a chance, Sterling. Cade might have been like Darrell, he might have broken her heart in the long run but at least then she would have a sense of closure; she doesn’t even have that, all she has are questions!”

“Naomi, I made what I felt was the best decision for my daughter; do you think I wanted to hurt her? No! But I wasn’t going to sit back and watch some cowboy ruin her life. Amanda deserves better…”

“She deserves better than you have treated her, Sterling. Could you not see the way they watched each other? Have you forgotten what that felt like? You had that, Sterling; you had that with Nikkie. What if by sending Cade away you took her one shot at having what you had?” Naomi asked before she turned and left.

Amanda lay on her back, tears of gratitude on her cheeks. Below, Amanda could hear her father slamming things around.

“I know what’s best,” he muttered. “I did what I had to do.”

Amanda waited until he stormed from the barn to climb from the loft and meander out of the barn. She walked and walked until she came to a small out cropping of rocks on a rise overlooking one of the many creeks that cut across the ranch. Thunder rumbled overhead but Amanda ignored it. At some point she had taken all of her hurt, dreams, and fears and had carefully packed them away rather than dealing with them. Last night had ransacked them, strewing them across her mind and heart leaving her no choice but to acknowledge they were still there. As the skies opened, Amanda lifted her face and closed her eyes to let the rain wash away her tears. A moment later she lay flat on her back as sobs wracked her body. By the time Amanda had cried herself out, the rain had slacked to a gentle drizzle. Feeling chilled, Amanda sat up and stood to return to the cabin. She took a long shower before settling down with her journal to make an entry before going for her daughter.

Cade,

I have failed at yet another relationship. I’m through trying. I threw myself at him, Cade. I decided that if I slept with him it would get you out of my head. Only you were right; I don’t do casual relationships and I couldn’t do it. He held me while I cried myself to sleep and then all night. If I can’t fall for a man like that then I am through trying. I can’t keep putting myself or these men through that. My Aunt Naomi stood up for us this afternoon, Cade. She completely shocked me. Neither of them knew I was in the loft; sound familiar? Naomi said something, she said that in the long run perhaps you would have been like Darrell and would have hurt me. Now I’m wondering: who was Darrell? Is my aunt more like me that I realized? I love you; I always will. Miss you.