Chapter Nineteen
Chloe
“Where should I even start?” I yelled.
Jordan stood and walked across the room. He sat in the chair next to the desk and gave me a pleading look. “I’m sorry all right? I didn’t mean to say what I did, he just went off and I snapped. He’s an a*shole Chloe, why can’t you see that?”
“I’m so sick of you talking shit about him Jordan! I love him and I will always love him. I want him, not you, or Logan, or any other guy out there!”
“He’s going to hurt you! I’ve told you that over and over yet you still can’t see it!” Jordan shouted back, getting angry.
“If he hurts me, he hurts me. But it’s not your job to watch out for me. I told you before if you couldn’t accept him, then I didn’t want to be around you, and I meant it. Just stay away from me Jordan.”
Tears filled my eyes, but I stood my ground. Drake had been right about Jordan all along and I had refused to see it. I loved Jordan, but not in that way and if he couldn’t accept Drake then I couldn’t accept him as a friend any longer.
“You don’t mean that Chloe.” He whispered.
“Yes, I do. If you can’t accept Drake, then I can’t accept you.”
He stared at me, with disbelief written all over his face. “Fine, if that’s how you want it. From now on, go to him when you need something, not me!”
He stood and threw the door open. I watched him as he turned and gave me one last look before slamming the door behind him.
I had stood while we fought, but once he left, the fight in me left as well and I crashed onto the bed. Was it too much to ask for a simple relationship with a guy? First Logan, and now Jordan. I snorted; at least I didn’t have to worry about Danny trying to hit on me. I shuddered; that was not somewhere I wanted to go.
I glanced at the clock and jumped from my bed; Drake and the band would be arriving any second. I looked horrible, my hair was tied back in a messy bun and I was wearing an old Nine Inch Nails shirt that had seen better days and cut off shorts. I didn’t care though, my only thought was to get downstairs to Drake.
I made a mad dash down the stairs and out the front door, stepping out just as the bus was pulling up the driveway. My heart soared as I watched them approach; Drake was finally here and everything would be all right. I turned as Amber stepped outside with me, followed by Logan and Danny. Jordan was noticeably absent.
The bus hadn’t even come to a complete stop when the doors opened and Drake came tumbling off. I felt like I was in one of those old movies as I ran to him and met him half way. He picked me up and spun me around, laughing.
“I missed you so much Chloe, even if it’s only been a day.”
I kept my arms wrapped around him as he let me fall back to the ground. I felt safe with his arms around me, his smell engulfing me and overloading my senses.
I buried my head in his chest. “I missed you too. I’m so glad that you’re here now.”
“I won’t be leaving again until you’re ready to go with me, even if that means cancelling every show we have left. I’m sick of this being apart shit we’ve done all summer.” He whispered into my ear.
As he spoke, his breath tickled against my skin made me shiver with desire. The heat that was always present between us was still there, despite the circumstances and our audience. I pulled away; needing to keep my body under control, as Jade and the guys stepped off of the bus.
They all gave me a sad smile as they walked over to us.
“Hey girl.” Jade said as she stepped around Drake to hug me.
I hugged her back until she released me and then first Adam, then Eric, replaced her. I was a bit shocked by Adam and Eric being affectionate, but I tried to hide it. Apparently, my surprise was written all over my face, because they both started laughing as Eric pulled away.
“Don’t act so surprised, you kind of grew on us.” Adam said between chuckles.
I laughed as Drake threw his arm around my shoulder and steered me back into the house. Amber and Danny smiled at us as we passed, but Logan kept his face carefully blank. I hated how having Drake around stressed him out. Except for Drake, he was the most important guy in my life and I wanted him to be happy.
“I assume you will all be staying for the next few days?” Danny asked from behind us.
Everyone nodded as they followed us into the house.
“That’s fine with me, but I don’t have enough rooms for everyone. A couple of you will have to double up.” Danny said.
“I call Chloe,” Drake joked from beside me.
“Darn,” I grumbled, “I wanted Jade.”
Jade laughed as she walked over and kissed me on the cheek. “Just come to my room after he goes to sleep. What he doesn’t know won’t kill him.”
I burst out in a fit of giggles as Adam, Logan, and Drake’s mouths all dropped open.
“Oh hell no! If there is girl on girl action, I want to watch!” Adam shouted.
Amber rolled her eyes as she smacked him across the chest. “I think you’ll be too busy with me.”
He grinned. “Right, I volunteer to room with Amber!”
“Jade can stay with me if she wants.” Logan said from behind me.
I turned to look at him, surprised. He and Jade had always gotten along well enough, but I didn’t realize they were close enough to share a room.
“Thank you Logan, I appreciate that. I thought I was going to get stuck with Eric and he kicks in his sleep.” Jade said.
Eric snorted. “Do not.”
Logan avoided my gaze as he and Jade walked up the stairs together. Even though they kept several feet between them, I couldn’t help but wonder if something was going on there. I wanted Logan to be happy, and I couldn’t think of anyone nicer than Jade.
“Well, that’s surprising,” Drake murmured next to me.
“All right, looks like you’re getting the extra room Eric. I’ll show you where it’s at.” Danny said as he followed Logan and Jade up the stairs, Eric right behind.
“Yeah, Adam and I are going to go get caught up.” Amber said as she grinned.
“Hell yeah we are. Chloe, if you and Jade decide to go all girl on girl, let me know. I’ll be glad to help.” Adam yelled as Amber pulled him up the stairs.
I laughed as I watched them go. It was nice to have everyone I cared about back together again.
“Looks like it’s just you and me love.” Drake whispered against my ear.
“No complaints here.” I said as I turned my head and caught his lips with my own.
“Let’s go to your room.”
I nodded as he grabbed my hand and pulled me up the steps behind him. As we turned the corner and stepped into the hallway, he stopped dead in front of me and I crashed into him. I opened my mouth to ask what he was doing when I saw Jordan standing a few feet away, locked in a stare down with Drake. I could feel the tension in Drake’s body as the seconds ticked by, and I knew he was waiting for Jordan to make a move.
Jordan broke the stare down and turned his attention to me. “Can we talk?”
“I don’t think so. You said what you had to say earlier.” Drake said.
“I wasn’t asking you, I was asking Chloe.” Jordan bit out as he glared at Drake.
“Well, I was talking to you. Chloe is aware of how you feel and she chose me, so back off.”
“Chloe,” Jordan pleaded, “Please talk to me. I just need a minute.”
Drake stepped toward him, glaring. “I told you; back off.”
“Stop it! Both of you!” I said as I glared at both of them. I was not going to stand around while they tore into each other. “Jordan, I said what I had to say earlier so leave me alone.”
“I don’t want to leave things like that. You’re important to me, I just… Can we talk about this privately?”
Drake smirked. “Say what you have to say, but I’m staying. You’ve had enough alone time with her already.”
Jordan opened his mouth to speak, but I cut in. “He’s right, if you have something to say to me, you can say it in front of him.”
Jordan looked back and forth between the two of us. “Fine. I don’t like the way we left things earlier. I was a jerk and I know it. I don’t like Drake and I won’t pretend that I do, but I won’t push you for anything else. You’re my friend first and foremost and I don’t want to lose that.”
“I don’t know what you want from me Jordan. I’ve done nothing but be a friend.” I said.
“That’s all I’m asking for. I want things to go back to the way they were before I tried to kiss you,” Drake opened his mouth to speak, but Jordan shot him a look, “Keyword; tried. She shot me down and gave me the whole ‘Drake is the love of my life’ speech so chill. She didn’t cheat on you.”
“You still tried to kiss her a*shole!” Drake yelled.
“Yeah, I did. But I’m trying to make amends so shut up,” he looked at me, “Can we just go back Chloe?”
“I don’t know Jordan, just give me some time all right? I’m still mad at you for what you said to Drake earlier.”
I had grown close to Jordan over the summer and I didn’t want to lose him as a friend, but my relationship with Drake was more important.
“Fair enough, just remember that Drake isn’t the only one who cares about you. We’ve been friends for a long time, way longer than you two have been together, and I don’t want to lose that over something stupid.”
“You won’t, just give me a couple of days. My mom just killed herself and I’m trying to deal with that. I don’t need all of this shit thrown at me too.” I said, exasperated.
“I’ll leave you alone, but you know where to find me when you’re ready to talk.”
Defeated, he turned and walked down the hall to his room. I watched him until he disappeared into his room and shut the door behind him. I knew that he was hurt and it broke my heart.
Drake tugged on my hand, “Come on.”
I followed him into my room and collapsed across the foot of my bed. “That sucked.”
Drake didn’t reply and I rolled onto my back to look up at him. He was still standing by the door with an annoyed look on his face.
“What’s wrong?”
“Why didn’t you tell me he kissed you?”
“Are you serious right now? He kissed me the same day I found out about my mom; it kind of slipped my mind.”
“Oh, sorry.”
“Not that I could get a hold of you anyway.” I added, giving him a pointed look.
He glanced down at the carpet as he ran his hands through his hair. “Sorry about that.”
“It’s alright. I’m not mad, I was just worried.”
“Do you have feelings for him?” He blurted out.
“For Jordan? Of course I don’t! Did you just miss the entire conversation five minutes ago? Why would you even ask me that?”
“Because I know you well enough to know when something’s bothering you. I watched your face while he walked away from you; it killed you to send him away. If you want him, don’t let me stand in the way.”
“I can’t even believe we’re having this conversation right now! I do not want Jordan! I only want you!”
“Are you sure? Because I’m not going to be a blind idiot like Logan was; living in my own blissful existence while you’re off screwing around behind my back.”
I saw red. Not only was he implying that I would stay with him while cheating with Jordan, but he was also calling Logan an idiot.
“F*ck off Drake. You cannot talk to me like that and Logan doesn’t deserve to be portrayed that way! He trusted me, that doesn’t make him an idiot!”
“Sorry, I’m just pissed off ok? I love you and I don’t want to lose you. I suck at this shit.”
“Yeah you do.” I grumbled.
He shot me a look and I rolled my eyes. “I love you too. What I did to Logan was wrong and I don’t ever intend to do that to anyone else, especially you.”
“I just don’t want to hold you back.”
“You’re not. Like I said, I love you and I would never do anything to screw that up.”
He crossed the room and climbed onto the bed, hovering above me. “I don’t want to screw this up either. I know I’ll do stupid shit to piss you off from time to time, but promise me you won’t leave me because of it.”
His mouth hovered just above mine and I watched his lips move as he spoke. “Promise me baby.”
“I won’t. Nothing could tear us apart.”
“I’m holding you to that.” He grinned as he lowered his mouth to mine.
The next few days passed in a blur of both laughter and tears. Things were still tense between Jordan and I, but with the band around I found myself laughing a lot more, especially when Adam opened his mouth. The tears usually came when I was alone in bed with Drake late at night. He would hold me until my tears dried and more often than not, I fell asleep cradled against his chest.
Danny kept his word and handled every detail regarding my mother’s arrangements. He even pulled a few strings to speed up the process a bit. Less than a week after her death, Danny had picked up her ashes and a small service was held in her honor. I knew none of her friends, not that I would have invited them anyway, so the service was small with only my small group of friends in attendance.
I had never been particularly religious, but Danny had requested a preacher perform her services and I had agreed to please him. Danny had a temporary tent placed in the field behind the mansion, and as I sat in the front row next to Drake, listening to the preacher talk about eternal life, forgiveness, sacrifice, and redemption, I prayed for the first time in my life.
I prayed that if there was something after this life that my mother would find it and the peace she had never managed to find here and that all of her sins would be forgiven. I knew it was asking a lot, but I hoped that my prayer was enough.
I didn’t realize I was crying until Drake reached up and wiped both of my cheeks with a tissue. The tenderness of such a small gesture warmed my heart and I reached over and squeezed his hand as a thank you. He gave me a small smile as he took my hand in his and kissed it.
Danny had left the decision of what to do with my mother’s ashes up to me. At first, I had been clueless as to what I should do with them, but after a drive to the beach yesterday afternoon, I knew what she would have wanted. Despite her addictions, she was a free spirit, and I couldn’t think of anything better than to have her drifting across the ocean, carried around the world by the tide.
After the preacher finished his services and left, Danny and I drove to the bay and boarded his private yacht. I had requested that everyone but him stay behind; this was something I needed to do alone, but since I couldn’t drive the boat, Danny had agreed to go with me. Not only was it his boat, but he understood better than anyone what I was going through and I needed his comfort.
I sat on the deck with the urn clutched tightly in my hands as I watched the shore disappear behind us. He continued to take us further out to sea until the shore was no longer visible. He shut off the engine and sat down in the seat next to me without speaking.
“I don’t think I can do this.” I whispered.
“Take your time Chloe, we can stay out here as long as we need to.”
“Thank you, not just for this, but for everything you’ve done for me.”
“We’re family, and I know you’d do the same for me. I love you.”
“Love you too.”
We sat in silence as the boat swayed back and forth gently. My mind moved at warp speed as I thought of all the moments my mother had hurt me. I tried to ignore them, to focus on happier thoughts with her, but the sad truth was that there were none. Never once had she ever told me that she loved me, or even that she was proud of me.
A tear slipped down my cheek as I stood and walked to the edge of the deck. I removed the lid and stared down at the urn in my hands. This wasn’t just goodbye, it was peace. I held the urn over the edge and tilted it to the side, letting the ashes slowly slide out. A breeze caught them and carried them away as I poured, until there was nothing left.
I stared down at the empty urn in my hands before throwing it into the ocean. There was no comfort in its presence, only an empty shell and a reminder of the pain my mother had caused. I watched it hit the surface of the water and sink down into the dark depths below. As it sank, I let it take all the pain and regret with it. I would leave my pain here, in the middle of the ocean and start over again.
I hugged myself as I turned to face Danny. “I’m ready.”
“Are you sure? We can stay for a while if you’d like.”
“No, there’s nothing here and there never was.”
He stood and wrapped his arms around me. “All right then, let’s go home.”
He started the engine and took us back to shore. I stared straight ahead, refusing to look back. I was leaving it all behind.
We docked and I helped him to secure the boat, before making the drive back home. The car ride was as quiet as the trip back to shore in the boat and I appreciated that Danny was trying to give me space.
Drake was standing outside as we pulled up to the house and I smiled at the sight of him. Regardless of where life took me, I knew he would always be by my side. As soon as Danny parked, I jumped out of the car and ran straight into his arms.
He stumbled back as I jumped into his arms. “You ok babe?”
“I am now.”
“Glad to hear it. Let’s go inside, Allison has dinner ready for everyone.”
We walked inside, with Danny close behind. As soon as I stepped into the house, my stomach growled from the smells coming from the dining room. Everyone was already sitting around the table eating as we entered.
I smiled as everyone looked up. “I hope you saved something for us.”
Adam snorted. “It’s every man for himself around here. I don’t think I’ll survive once I have to start eating Drake’s Pop Tarts on the bus again, this food is the shit.”
“I knew it was you who was stealing them! You a*shole, I asked if it was you who took them and you denied it!” Drake said as he pretended to be outraged.
“No, you asked if I touched your shit, which I didn’t. I ate your Pop Tarts.”
They continued to bicker back and forth as we walked to the table and sat down. Allison had gone all out, making all of my favorites. The table was piled high with homemade mashed potatoes and gravy, fried chicken, shrimp linguini, crab legs, fresh dinner rolls, ribs, and two Key Lime pies.
Drake looked disgusted as I added a little bit of everything onto my plate.
“What? I’m hungry.”
“That has to be the most disgusting combination I have ever seen.”
“It’s not like I’m going to eat it all together.” I said as I rolled my eyes.
“It’s still nasty. I’m not kissing you after you eat all of that.”
I laughed. “Whatever, your idle threats won’t stop me.”
As I ate, I watched Jordan from the corner of my eye. He was a few seats down from me, deep in conversation with Danny. Drake and I had talked last night, and we had decided that the band and I would leave early tomorrow so that they didn’t have to miss any more shows. I needed to fix things with Jordan before I left.
When we finished dinner, I stood and walked over to where he and Danny were sitting.
“Can I talk to you for a minute?” I asked.
Jordan seemed surprised, but nodded as he stood to follow me from the room. Drake was watching us closely, and I stopped beside him.
“I need to patch things up with him. Just give us a couple of minutes alone, ok?”
He gave me a curt nod, but said nothing.
I sighed as I led Jordan from the room and out the patio doors to the pool. I knew I had upset Drake, but Jordan deserved better than to be left hanging with no answers.
I was still wearing a knee-length skirt from the services, so I sat down at the edge of the pool and stuck my feet into the warm water. Jordan sat down beside me and leaned back on his hands.
“You wanted to talk?” He asked.
“Yeah, I just wanted to tell you how sorry I am over everything. I shouldn’t have pushed you away these last few days. I care about you, but just not that way.”
“I know that and I was an idiot to push you for more. I can see how much you love Drake and I just wanted that with you. You’re unlike anyone else and I can’t help how I feel about you, but from now on it won’t be an issue.”
I reached over and squeezed his shoulder. “I’m glad that you understand where we stand. I didn’t want to leave tomorrow if we weren’t ok.”
His shoulder tensed under my hand. “You’re leaving tomorrow?”
“Yeah, the band has to get back on the road and Drake won’t leave without me.”
He brushed my hand away as he stood. “I see. Make sure you come back to visit when he lets you.”
I watched him walk back into the house with a heavy heart. Regardless of what we both said, there was no way we would ever really be ok as long as I was with Drake and I had to accept that. Drake was the most important part of my life now and if Jordan couldn’t accept it, then so be it.